With special international TV correspondent Lady Amy back in the
States temporarily, Chris and Jerksica have a roundtable discussion with
her about the mysterious addictiveness and longevity prowess of NBC’s
13-seasons-and-still-chugging-along crime procedural Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. Having
not tuned in a while, especially since the news of Elliot Stabler aka
Christopher Meloni aka Sam the Eagle’s departure from the show, Lady Amy
convinced her blogcasters in crime (pun intended) to check it out and
to their chagrin, it is indeed still the same competent Dick Wolf
production it always was back in its heyday. The three discuss some of
the latest episodes, recent cast additions, and pop cultural peripheries
that have helped keep the show running strong while still firmly
remaining in the “entertaining” and not “meaningful” category of
television. Somehow, even after The Wire, Justified, and many more, plus the glut of ripoffs that have since become more popular, SVU still remains watchable primetime programming.
Blogulator Radio is brought to you in part by Netflix, where you can
stream your favorite TV shows and movies from your TV, computer, or many
other devices as often as you want for just 7.99 a month. Start your free two week trial today
and help support independent netcasting. For up to the minute updates
all up in your upness, be sure to subscribe to Blogulator Radio via iTunes or RSS.
Being a modern show for modern people, we’ve got all sorts of ways to find us online. We’ve got your Facebook and your Twitter and your Google+, and you can follow Qualler and Chris on Twitter as well. Of course we always welcome comments or questions either in the comments below or through email at bradio@fancypantsgangsters.com. We also invite you to check out our non-audio version at TheBlogulator.com for more than just TV talk.
Hey readers, Qualler here, your one and only connection to all things TV-licious in the Twin Cities for Blogulator Radio. Looks like B(rigitte) and (Lady) A(my) decided to get a little in-depth on all things Gossip Girl, seasons one through four. B said something about having a chance to “catch up” with Gossip Girl during her school break, and when B puts her mind on something, she can accomplish anything. Sorry, G(ossip) G(irl), B and A’s revisiting of you shows that you don’t really hold up completely as a series, despite your superficial charms. The same could be said about B(lair Waldorf) and S(erena VanDerWoodson)’s personalities. So ends this pitiful attempt to write like the real life Gossip Girl. XOXO, Qualler.
Blogulator Radio is brought to you in part by Netflix, where you can stream your favorite TV shows and movies from your TV, computer, or many other devices as often as you want for just 7.99 a month. Start your free two week trial today and help support independent netcasting.For up to the minute updates all up in your upness, be sure to subscribe to Blogulator Radio via iTunes or RSS.
Being a modern show for modern people, we’ve got all sorts of ways to find us online. We’ve got your Facebook and your Twitter and your Google+, and you can follow Qualler and Chris on Twitter as well. Of course we always welcome comments or questions either in the comments below or through email at bradio@fancypantsgangsters.com.
For the first time ever, the two complete sets of Blogulator Radio
co-hosts (both Chris & Jerksica AND Qualler & Brigitte) join
each other in the same room to talk television.
And for this episode after the long winter break (thanks for hanging in
there, listeners!) they’re going through 20+ shows from 2011 that
didn’t suck. Some might call it a Best of 2011 list, but with a
smattering of honorable mentions plus some ripe controversy amongst the
top twenty, the best they can agree on is that some of them really like
some of the shows talked about herein and some respect others’ opinions
about those shows while not sharing those feelings completely. Lady Amy,
formerly just the netcast’s international television correspondent,
tags along as well after spending fourteen months out of the country to
find out what she’s been missing. Hint: it’s a lot.
Listen to the ep for commentary, but for your listgasmic convenience, here is The Blogulator's Top 20 TV Shows of 2011:
1. Parks
& Recreation (NBC)
2. Friday Night Lights (DirecTV/NBC)
3. Breaking Bad (AMC)
4. Louie (FX)
5. Game of Thrones (HBO)
6. Community (NBC)
7. Work of Art: The Next Great Artist (Bravo)
8. Cougar Town (ABC)
9. Justified (FX)
10. 30 Rock (NBC)
11. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (FX)
12. Revenge (ABC)
13. Parenthood (NBC)
14. American Horror Story (FX)
15. Awkward. (MTV)
16. Happy Endings (ABC)
17. The Vampire Diaries (The CW)
18. Archer (FX)
19. Raising Hope (FOX)
20. Portlandia (IFC)
Blogulator Radio is brought to you in part by Netflix, where you can
stream your favorite TV shows and movies from your TV, computer, or many
other devices as often as you want for just 7.99 a month. Start your free two week trial today and help support independent netcasting.
For up to the minute updates all up in your upness, be sure to subscribe to Blogulator Radio via iTunes or RSS.
Being a modern show for modern people, we’ve got all sorts of ways to find us online. We’ve got your Facebook and your Twitter and your Google+, and you can follow Qualler and Chris on Twitter as well. Of course we always welcome comments or questions either in the comments below or through email at bradio@fancypantsgangsters.com. We also invite you to check out our non-audio version at TheBlogulator.com for more than just TV talk.
This week Chris welcomes back former Blogulator contributor Lady Amy
to the show for a third time as Blogulator Radio’s international
television correspondent. First she was in China, and then Vietnam,
and now she’s in India, so I guess you could say she’s just our Asian
TV correspondent, but still. This time she pops in for three very
different yet all equally entertaining reasons. To begin, she espouses
the joys and horrors of one of India’s top rated programs, Lil’ Champs,
which is essential American Idol meets Toddlers and Tiaras. Then,
harkening back to her days as The Blogulator’s advertisement analysis expert,
she dishes with Chris about the sordid and yet unfortunately kinda
boring state of TV commercials in India. Finally, as (squeal!) Chris
gets excited over Lady Amy’s impending return to these fine United
States for the holidays, she reveals for you listeners her Top 5 Things
She’s Looking Most Forward to Being Able to Watch Now That She’s
Returning to American TV Soon. No, we are not working on the title. Deal
with it.
Blogulator Radio is brought to you in part by Netflix, where you can
stream your favorite TV shows and movies from your TV, computer, or many
other devices as often as you want for just 7.99 a month. Start your free two week trial today and help support independent netcasting.
For up to the minute updates all up in your upness, be sure to subscribe to Blogulator Radio via iTunes or RSS.
Being a modern show for modern people, we’ve got all sorts of ways to find us online. We’ve got your Facebook and your Twitter and your Google+, and you can follow Qualler and Chris on Twitter as well. Of course we always welcome comments or questions either in the comments below or through email at bradio@fancypantsgangsters.com. We also invite you to check out our non-audio version at TheBlogulator.com for more than just TV talk.
Your host Chris takes a break from all the hype about new fall shows
for a bit to take a trip abroad with current on-hiatus Blogulator
contributor Lady Amy (stream/download the latest episode via Fancy Pants Gangsters netcast network here!), who’s been traveling around the world for almost a
year now. You may remember her from one of the netcast’s very first episodes,
in which she and Chris discussed some of the biggest trends in Chinese
television. Well in this edition she checks in from the heart of India
to talk about her recent stay in Vietnam, where she was hypnotized by
that country’s version of The Price is Right, as well as offers her
humorous take on what she thinks would happen if some of the States’
most popular programs (such as Two and a Half Men, Law & Order, and
The Real Housewives…) were re-purposed for Asian audiences. So take a
load off, forget about how terrible 2 Broke Girls is, and get some real
culture – from two American TV fans positing theories about the nature
of television around the globe.
Blogulator Radio is brought to you in part by Netflix, where you can
stream your favorite TV shows and movies from your TV, computer, or many
other devices as often as you want for just 7.99 a month. Start your free two week trial today and help support independent netcasting.
For up to the minute updates all up in your upness, be sure to subscribe to Blogulator Radio via iTunes or RSS.
Being a modern show for modern people, we’ve got all sorts of ways to find us online. We’ve got your Facebook and your Twitter, and you can follow Qualler and Chris on Twitteras well. Of course we always welcome comments or questions either in the comments below or through email at bradio@fancypantsgangsters.com.. We also invite you to check out our non-audio version at TheBlogulator.com for more than just TV talk.
Good day, Bloguteers! It is with sadness in my heart that I officially submit my resignation from The Blogulator via this post. Lady Amy is officially moving on to bigger (?) and better (?) things. In other words, I am moving out of the country. Though I have loved blogging for you for the past few years and I am totally addicted to celebrity gossip, I think it is time that I see what is out there beyond the Hollywood Hills. So for my final blog post (for the time being) I would love for nothing else than to laugh with you as we discuss Paris Hilton getting detained and denied entry into Japan, but I will opt out of that. Rather, I would like to share with you my favorite blog-u-moments from the past few years blogging as Lady Amy:
The Best in "Ad it Up"
Remember last summer when Miracle Whip came up with that great ad campaign about how not to "Be Mayo?" Here is a refresher. We were all so confused about what "Be Mayo" really meant. Plus, it made me very angry to see giant billboard everywhere with that slogan. And the commercials were even more confusing! Seems that we all agreed that mayonnaise was a lot better than Miracle Whip anyway, but then the comment conversation deteriorated (thanks mostly to me) into a big sexual Varsity Blues reference.
The Best in "Stars: They're Nothing Like Us"
In reviewing all of the celebrity-related posts over the years, I discovered that the most controversial one was about nothing more than shoes. To catch you up to speed, click here to review. Back in April, Katie Holmes allowed little daughter, Suri to wear children's high heels out an about town. I had a semi-schizo argument with myself outlining the pros and cons of letting little girls wear heels. That was a rough evening because I spend whole night giving myself the cold shoulder over the argument. Now, we've come to an agreement to drop the argument. Sorry, Amy, that I brought that up again!
The Best in "Angry Amy"
Boy, I sure was an angry girl back in summer of '08 when the State Fair came around. Not only was it a parade a of beer bellies spilling over fanny packs attached to seemingly lost, slowly meandering middle-aged people, it was one deep-fried thing on a stick after another. Too much for Lady Amy to handle. Thanks for sticking it out with me, everyone, and convincing me that Hot Dish on a Stick was a good idea. (As it turns out, the Fair did not get any better over the past couple of years -- I was equally annoyed and angry this year).
Well, it has been wonderful being your blogger/correspondent/celebrity gossiper on this very fine blog. Thanks for the wonderful memories. I won't say "goodbye," because I will be back. But for now, "smell you later."
For the past week, I've had a friend in town from London. While I should be showing her the town a bit more, I am a TV junkie and we ended up just chillin' in front of the good old boob tube this afternoon. Watching TV with an international guest is great because it makes you realize just how many ads we have for medications -- most of which solve the issues associated with our American fast-food diets -- and politics. All of that TV watching got me thinking that with election day nearing ever closer it is about time I paid tribute to some of the best political ads of the year. Here they are:
Carly Fiornia
If you only got through the first minute before getting bored and continuing reading this blog post, I don't blame you. This is perhaps the longest political ad I've seen, rounding out at seven minutes and 43 seconds. And her other ones aren't much shorter. I think I found one that was three and a half minutes or so but equally as boring. If you can't get out what you want to say and attack your opponent in less than a minute, you have no business running for a position where you'll be expected to speak in sound bites. That's just my two cents.
Dr. McKenna for Coroner
Umm...truly amazing! First of all, I had no idea that Coroner was an elected position. Second, I had no idea that there were enough people who actually run for that position and are competitive enough about their campaigns to run attack ads. Finally, what an amazing attack on your opponent -- they steal body parts off dead people and sell them!!! Brilliant. Yes, the production quality is nothing to write home about and the theme of Frankenstein could not get any cheesier, but I still have to commend a Coroner candidate for having the cash flow and dirt to run such an advertisement.
Blanche Lincoln
Ah, the classic standby of political commercials. Showing congress as children always gets the heads nodding in agreement, because we all get just as frustrated with our representatives as we do with our children when they behave badly. Only we can't yell at or punish congress so the best we can do is laugh at them.
Linda McMahon -- Yes, THAT Linda McMahon
Anyone who ever grew up watching professional wrestling is now ruing the day because legendary WWF owner is running for office. I can't imagine what kind of footage her opponents have to work with for their attack ads, but she beat them right to the punch (or headlock, as it were). Genius move on McMahon's part in using her wrestling past in her own ads to showcase her "small" business ownership.
Rick Barber
And finally, there is always that politician who just takes it one step over the line. Really? The health care bill = slavery? Really? Using photographs of slaves and concentration camps? Though I do get a kick out of the ole Founding Fathers reenactment/connecting with the dead bit. That is classic. If you get some time, I'd recommend checking out his other ads, which are just as old timey and hilarious.
Happy political ad season, everyone! It will only ramp up from here.
Do the "kids" still roll their eyes and say, "TMI" in a snotty voice when someone shares too much? Or has that fad passed? Well, if it isn't totally uncool at this point to say "Eeeewww, T. M. I!!!" then I would like to share those words right now in this segment of...
ANGRY AMY!!!!!
You know what makes me angry?! When celebrities share way too much of their personal lives and gross habits on the Twitter or the Facebook or their blogs, Myspaces, E-journals, whatever. Perfect example: Jessica Simpson. TMI and Jessica Simpson, yes, do go hand in hand so it is no surprise that she decided to show us her ear wax cleaning experiments on twitvid:
So that was gross. Way gross, actually. Why does the public need to know that? We don't. In this age of ever readily available technology, it is not just kids who are struggling with knowing how much to make available on the internet. What with all the sexting and posting of embarrassing photos on Facebook and tweeting of every mundane thing everyone you know is doing, it should not shock me as much as it does that celebs are also over sharing with their Twitter followers. And you know what, it turns out they are just as boring and disgusting as everyone else. Here is another example from another celeb I love to complain about. From Heidi Montag's twitter:
Giving my self a soft tissue breast massage. Ladies we have to keep those implants soft.
Whether a self-breast exam or just an implant massage, these are the kinds of things that we ought to keep to ourselves. Plus, isn't it kind of disgusting to have parts on your body you have to regularly massage to keep from getting hard? But I digress.
The point being: TMI is bad even if you are a celebrity! And THAT'S what makes me angry!!
Lazy Lady Amy blog post today. Sorry everyone, but in my defense, this video I found on People left me pretty speechless...
According to the Peoplewrite-up about it, this just goes to show that Miley Cyrus is "just like any teen" because "she gets into trouble with her mom." Really, People? She's an average teen because she gets in trouble? Because this two minute video also makes me think that Miley is just like any teen, but more like because she is a total dorkus malorkus! She's hyperactive, makes up her own rhymes and dances, and makes "jokes" or maybe "impressions" that are so beyond my comprehension as a late-20-something that I feel like a grandma. Then again, maybe she's not like an average teen because none of the teens I know have girly, giggly, sexy spanking fights with their mothers. Bizarre.
Scandal: Hollywood is thy name. Yes, there are about a million people pissed off about a million things and, like most times, Hollywood is to blame. This week's problems have to do with where to draw the hot/creepy-hot/deadly-hot line. Today, I am going to let you, dear reader decide the ultimate question in the following Hollywood scandals: are they HOT or are they NOT? (BTW - the hot or not can refer to either the content of the pictures or to the scandal itself).
A) Tyra Banks is a Hypocrite It just would not be a true Hollywood scandal story if somehow Tyra was not involved. Usually she is the one pointing out all of the wrongdoings of fame and fortune through her smeyezing (that's smiling with your eyes for those of you who don't obsessively watch America's Next Top Model), but this time the tables are turned. Part of me (the part that succumbs to schadenfreude) is tickled pink that the ever-preaching ANTM host has finally been called out for sending mixed messages to young ladies. Here is a snapshot of a promo for the next season that got Tyra a lot of flak. That is a picture of Ms. Jay standing behind a model, fitting his hands entirely around her waist. It IS possible that he just has big hands (and you know what they say about big hands...), but more likely this chick needs medical attention immediately. So, blogureaders...hot or not?
B) True Blood Gets a Little More Freaky For a long time now, I've been saying that HBO should make a porn. Not only would it be the best plot-driven porn in the entire industry, it would be the hottest too. Because HBO puts so much production work into their shows that if they could just channel it into some kind of sexually satisfying experience, I'm not sure anyone would even need real sex. But then there is the money issue...it would be very difficult to make money off of that because the people who want a lot of porn really aren't too picky about the production values. Still, it would be hot. Anyway, the next closest thing to HBO porn is a little show called True Blood. Hot vampire sex, crazy vampire kidnapping plots, and even sweet vampire heartthrobs. The scandal? Here is the newest Rolling Stone cover featuring the True Blood main characters in revealing positions.
At first I want to say hottttttt...but the blood spatter isn't right or something. Or maybe it's Eric's douche bag "look how I wield Anna Paquin's leg" face. It's just not doing it for me. But this is your poll, readers. Is this scandal HOT or is it NOT?
You probably heard about the singer's troubles with the law for taking her clothes off for a music video in public in downtown Dallas. The latest news is that Ms. Badu was fined $500 and sentenced to six months of probation. They just don't get art in Texas I guess.
I'm disappointed that she had to pay $500 for shooting a video, but when you pretend to get shot in the head in the exact same spot that Kennedy was assassinated, I guess the government doesn't like that too much. So, finally, is the Erykah Badu scandal HOT or NOT?
If you are a mid-20 something washed-up celebrity with a drug and alcohol problem, a couple of DWIs on your record, and an angry parole judge (whom you literally gave the finger to) giving you a 90 day jail sentence for skipping town and somehow, after bitching endlessly about how unfair all of that seems while you are simultaneously getting special treatment in lockup, you win the public's favor and get out after two weeks behind bars, then I think you have absolutely no right to complain about anything.
Yet, somehow Lindsay Lohan is doing just that. Not only did her family plead with the public for understanding about how cruel and unusual the judge was being by sending Lindsay to jail, they whined the entire 13 days she ended up serving about not getting to see her whenever they wanted or her being deprived of bottled water and tweeting or jail causing depression, etc. Now the complaint has turned to Lindsay's direct relocation to rehab after being released early. You see, Lindsay is required to be in rehab for 90 days after serving her 90 day sentence -- hopefully rehab does not release people early for good behavior. That good behavior, Lindsay's parents claim, should have earned her one last visit with her family before transferring to rehab. According to People, Lindsay is "very upset" about not seeing her family before the transfer.
Perhaps I have the wrong idea about what "jail" or "rehab" are, because I thought that those things were supposed to be upsetting. If they weren't, then they wouldn't be very good punishments/treatments. And as a by-product of punishment and/or recovery from addiction, they are by their very nature, a little depressing. I guess divas will always find something to complain about even when they are getting the best.
How much I love Deal or No Deal! Why on earth does this show make me so happy and keep my attention for so long?! There's not much to it -- basically, I am just watching people gamble for no reason. There is no skill to the game, no knowledge or talent one must exhibit to win. It is just pure, dumb luck. Yet, for some reason, when it is on I can't pull my face away from the television screen. And I must not be the only one, since the show seems to have grown in the past year or so, now appearing in the 5:00 and 6:00 hours, which are normally reserved for reruns of popular half-hour comedies. So what is it about this game show that makes is so successful? In hopes of answering that question I will examine the show in depth.
First of all, Deal or No Deal has the very appealing aspect of "ordinary people" given the chance to make lots of cash. One would think that this costly feature of the show would leave it hemorrhaging money left and right. However, by taking your average Joe and putting him on TV the production costs are significantly lower than your average program. This is what reality TV figured out a long long time ago. Also, even though Americans don't like seeing ugly "normies" on their serial programs, with game shows it actually makes the contestants more relate-able. If that uggo can win a lot of money, so can I! And viewers are always attracted to high stakes games. That is why The Price is Right and Who Wants to be a Millionaire go over so well.
Second, Deal or No Deal is fast-paced. Okay, yes Howie does that annoying thing where he thinks that he is constantly psyching you out by saying, "Open the case...right after the break," and sometimes it gets boring when they try to introduce the player's family and friends, but for the most part the game goes fairly quickly. Unlike Celebrity Poker, aka the most grueling television experience of your life, this game of chance does not require a whole lot of thinking time since there really is no strategy. And you have to appreciate a host that keeps things moving.
Speaking of hosts, Howie Mandel is an unlikely but amazingly good D-list celebrity to guide we viewers through our ups and downs of excitement as we route for the contestant. Howie has mysophobia (an irrational fear of germs) so he refuses to shake hands with anyone. Knowing this about him makes the show even more interesting, as I try to catch him breaking his irrational germ rules about touching other people. So far, I have seen him give hugs and fist bumps, but no full-on handshakes to my knowledge.
Finally, Deal or No Deal is unusual for a game show because it actually has a bad guy. That blasted banker is always trying to screw the players out of money! Why can't he just leave them alone and let them play the game? I think it is a brilliant strategy to have a villain who seemingly withholds money and has to be outsmarted by the luck of the contestants. At first, I really hated those one-sided phone calls that we had to listen to between Howie and the banker, but now I kind of appreciate it, because I want to know what that awful, money-hungry number-cruncher is going to say to try to discourage the player!
Well, there it is, folks. I have laid it all out on the table. I am a self-hating dork, who loves guilty pleasure TV shows. Please don't judge me harshly, as I am already judging myself. And that's what makes me angry!
I have heard a theory from my pet owner friends that everyone who owns a cat or dog has a specific voice that they use when talking to their pet and another distinct voice for when they are impersonating their pet. I was thinking about this theory Wednesday night as I was watching TV with fellow bloguteers, Chris and Brigitte. A commercial came on for a new cat food product from Fancy Feast (you know, that company that tries to make it seem like your kitten is high society). Why do people need to project human-like qualities onto their pets? We have this inexplicable need to know when our cats are happy/sad/upset/pissed-off/etc., but do we even know if they feel those emotions? Anyway, what made me think of all of this was the new commercial we saw for a product called "Fancy Feast Appetizers." I would have never in a million years thought to make an appetizer for cats but here is an awfully inspiring ad that really makes me rethink whether or not my/my cat's day is special enough to give him/her a starter course at dinner:
I would like to celebrate all of my special moments with food!! But let me ask you...what moments are "special" in a cat's day? Do they land the "big account" while we're at work? Or perhaps they ace a test that we don't know about? Or basically, we Americans only know how to express those bursts of love we feel during special moments through food. As we were watching this commercial Wednesday evening, the very thought of an appetizer for cats appalled Chris who quickly pointed out that cat's don't eat different foods, much less separate courses for meals. Pretty much dinner is lunch is breakfast is dessert is midnight snack, etc. Brigitte, on the other hand, defended the new product, saying that perhaps the campaign was meant as "these dinners are really appetizing." If you watch the commercial closely though, I'm sorry to say, Fancy Feast does explicitly say, "Serve as a compliment to regular meals." So I guess not only is Chris correct, but just like the American diet, we are trying to get our cats to eat bigger portions -- perhaps so we don't feel as disgusting ourselves. Here is how cats are responding.
Kitty Appetizers: A Review
I love how this YouTube video of a lady feeding her cat counts as a "review," but that is beside the point. Perhaps this cat has a future as a kitty food critic. This review does prove one thing, though - Chris is dead wrong. Cats LOVE appetizers! This cat clearly has a full bowl of untouched cat food (you can see it in the background of the latter half of the video), yet he is meowing like crazy for the appetizer. You can't have dinner before a proper warm-up. If you are not convinced just yet, perhaps this additional YouTube review will help:
It's like giving them real food??!! If by "real food," you mean "people food," that's bad. Cat's don't eat people food! That's bad for them. They need cat food with all of its nutrients designed just for felines! But good strategy, mixing the cat's appetizers with its dinner. I imagine the people equivalent is having mozzarella sticks on top of your pizza. Yum! But I have to say that in reality I'm a little skeptical of kitty appetizers, especially when they are nothing more than the regular stuff you feed cats but in a small portion. I don't care how many crazy YouTube personalities are complete product whores. Cats love food -- probably because they are hunters and we humans completely control their portions, so they come running every time we will let them eat because to them it might be the last time.
Maybe cats will someday take over the country and punish us for making them eat nothing but the same dull, boring dry food for every meal. They will demand that we become their personal servants and bring them 7 courses every meal (one for every life they have). Until then, I will crazify anyone I know who serves cat appetizers. Pretending to talk for your pets is one thing, but making sure they have all of the comforts of human life...that's just crazy!
Have you ever dreamed of possessing superhuman strength? Being "faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive (if we assume that you are still in the 1940s and that locomotives, or trains as we now call them, are still relevant), and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound?" It is perfectly natural to desire such superhero qualities. But if you got to pick your superpower, what would it be? Now, you might be thinking that this conversation is not really worth having because you weren't born on Krypton and you're not an undercover millionaire martial-arts expert.
Let's not forget, dear blogu-reader, that Jem was just an ordinary woman with some magical hologram-making earrings. And Popeye was just a wimp without his spinach. The Green Lantern had his girly-yet-power-inducing ring, and Captain Planet couldn't even appear without the combined force of the Planeteers' teamwork. What if there were some sort of food you could eat or jewelry you could wear to give you...oh, I don't know...balance, strength, and energy?
Wouldn't you know it, there is now an infomercial-product out there that does just that!
It is amazing to me just how unbalanced the American public really is. Without this magic bracelet that restores one's natural balance, I can't imagine how people live. Especially when all of those nondescript, never-to-be-named, non-endorsing "athletes and celebrities" are paying thousands of dollars for restorative jewelry that is only worth $40. And I can get said $40 jewelry for only $19.99! I always wondered how stars keep their balance on the red carpet in high heels. Now I know!
In summary, today's lesson is that superhero powers are not yet out of your reach. All you need is your own magical jewelry, and you will have the strongest equilibrium on the planet and will be able to inflict vertigo on all of your enemies! Muahahahahahahahahah!
Nothing screams "I respect you" like the words "f*&# you." Especially when those words are directed at a judge in your probation hearing. And really especially when you stealthily paint said words in tiny font on your body - (almost like a private, internal joke meant to remain between you and yourself because simply thinking "eff you" isn't enough) - when you are at your most photographed moment and about to be sentenced to jail time because you weren't respectful enough of the terms of your previous probation.
Still, for some reason, offense was taken at the "F*** U" airbrushed on Lindsay Lohan's fingernails during her probation violation trial, where she was begging for mercy on the judge's 90-day jail sentence. According to People:
"I did everything I was told to do, I thought I was being compliant," Lohan, 24, cried as she tried to explain that she didn't knowingly violate her probation in a DUI case by missing weekly alcohol-education classes. "I'm not taking this as a joke, it's my life and career. I don't want you to think I don't respect you and your terms."
The cosmetic profanity was simply Lindsay's way of showing the judge that she is taking her DUI probation very seriously. Coincidentally, according to another People article, Lindsay tweeted that her nail job was just a joke. Now I'm not sure what is so funny about the "F" word, but at minimum this was a very poorly-timed joke. And it seems like Lindsay's like is nothing but a series of poorly-timed jokes. I do sincerely feel badly for her.
Never mind. No, I don't. Lindsay needs a class in comedic timing at the very least. Or maybe even more rudimentary than that: Comedy 101 - What is a Joke? In said class, she will learn things like:
1) Appropriate places/times for jokes 2) How to not look trashy (gotta establish some cred to pull off your jokes!) 3) A drugged-up joke is never a funny joke 4) Punchlines: how to complete a joke 5) Do jokes have to be funny? (*spoiler alert - the answer is yes*)
So in summary, Linsday Lohan is up to her antics again. And once again the world is not on her side.
I remember when they made it legal to advertise prescription drugs on TV back in 1997. It was so weird to be marketed to about sleep deprivation alongside Coca-Cola and to discover all kinds of new commonplace ailments that I had no idea were such widespread issues. Take peeing your pants, for example. If I were not from the U.S. I would think that everyone here has incontinence problems based on the sheer volume of overactive bladder control commercials. In theory I am opposed to the idea of advertising prescription drugs because it makes TV a lot more serious, but now I have come around to the benefits of such ads. I will demonstrate these benefits with the example of bladder control products.
Firstly, bladder control commercials are an excellent new avenue for anthropomorphism. Normally I am not a fan of the personification of inanimate objects in advertising because it is almost never ever done right. Lots of talking babies and dancing alligators telling me about car insurance or soda or other things that have nothing to do with the anthropomorphic beings selling them. But with incontinence, the personified objects seem to make sense - such as people made out of copper piping because their plumbing is all out of whack! Here's one of my favorites:
If the balloons are supposed to be people, which I believe they are since they are dancing at a reunion party, then does that mean that people explode when they pee their pants? Or is that just when they have to pee?
Then, there is the introspective approach where you have to be honest with yourself about your problem. It's these commercials that really make me question myself. I had to pee like five times at work today, is that normal or do I have a problem? Oh, but then I did have a lot of water. Does that make a difference? Where is an animated women's bathroom symbol when you need to ask these questions? Here's an example:
How embarrassing! Good thing that teacher has a friend in the bathroom door sign. She didn't even realize that she had a problem until the sign helped her look inside herself.
Finally, bladder control products provide a great venue for very funny foreign ads. Americans are apparently not the only ones with potty problems. I just think other cultures have different ways of dealing with it. I personally like the idea of these Japanese adult diapers:
So you see, advertising is greatly enhanced by the addition of prescription drugs to the pallet of products available to us on TV. We may not all have problems with peeing our pants, but we sure know a lot about how to solve them if we did.
Society has taken a downturn in the last year. And this new societal deficiency can mostly be attributed to The Jersey Shore. Not only has The Jersey Shore made racist terms somehow acceptable again (and spawned new, creative, feminine versions of our age-old slang like "guidette"), it has created a cultural phenomenon of trashiness. And to foster this new trend, Jersey Shore star, JWOWW has come up with an intriguingly hot, but trashy clothing line that she debuted at the MTV Movie Awards, according to People.
After reading about her new boob-popping fashions which she calls, "sexy classy," I had to go to the website and discover what was so unique about her line and what is actually "classy" about it. From what I can tell, the site is just a bunch of pictures and video of JWOWW, with very little to do with fashion. And this pretty much sums up fame in the 21st century. Reality stars of varying degrees of eccentricity can stake their claim on Hollywood by selling an image of down-to-earth craziness. And since we can all relate to that inner slut, we buy it.
Newsflash! Fellow blogulator contributor, Brigitte, admitted that she now finally cares about her credit score. Have we gotten that old? Then, she followed that statement up by saying that in actuality, she really just wants another puppy. Whaaaaa??! What am I talking about? What do those two things have to do with each other? See below...
Never before has something so grown up looked so appealing! I can't make it through this commercial without ooo-ing and ahhh-ing. Bad credit scores are so naughty - always chewing on your couch and pooping on your carpet. Good credit scores play fetch and snuggle with you. Suze Orman should be taking notes. She doesn't make finances look nearly this adorable. And you know, as cute as the ad it, it does make a lot of sense. When I was in college with very little credit, my roommates and I had a torn up couch and a cat that pooped on our rug. Now that I'm older and have had time to build my credit, I actually have some non-hand-me-down furniture and my friends have pets and kids that are potty-trained.
So the point is, blogureaders, pay your bills on time and take on good debt. It makes the difference between having a snuggly buggly whittle puppy whuppy of a score and an adorably bad score that will ruin your house. Your choice.
Lady Amy here patrolling the celebrity scene once again on your behalf, blog-u-readers! And as it turns out, famous people are kinda crazy. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to stereotype all celebs. That would be wrong. You see, stars are not all the same - they come in all types of crazy. For example, there is the Hugh Hefner "I move like a snail now but will still pretend like my junk works" crazy; there is the Andy Dick "ADHD, someone please pay attention to me -- ooooh, a shiny object!" crazy; and there is the Bill O'Reilly "say offensive stuff loud enough until people believe you" crazy. Here are some modern examples of star craziness from recent headlines:
Remember the movies Austin Powers, Forever Young, and Vanilla Sky? If you were Britney Spears you would be wise to review these classics in preparation of your postmortem cryogenic freezing. You would learn that you will miss out on decades of history or have difficulty relating to people or your life might become a blurry mess of even crazier craziness (and you'd have a messed-up face to boot). Britney got the idea for cryogenics after learning that Walt Disney himself was frozen in hopes that one day the technology would exist to bring him back to life. Once the Disney corporation sinks its claws into young starlets they are hooked for life, so being a faithful Mouseketeer, Britney is following suit and following Disney into the dark. (Little does she know, Walt Disney was actually cremated -- because no one wants their wrinkly, half-broken, 65-year-old body preserved!)
Heidi Montag may look horrendous on the outside but on the inside...no, wait, she's still horrendous there too. And according to People, she has no friends or family. On a recent episode of The Hills - you know, that show that Lauren Conrad started and then moved on from but it is still on for some reason - Heidi was recorded saying, “It’s just really hard … I don’t have my family anymore and I don’t really have the same core group of friends anymore.” That, I guess, is the price to pay for fame-whoring: first you marry an asshole with a flesh-colored beard, surgically mold your body into the weirdest, most unnatural shape ever, and then you lose everyone who was telling you not to all along. I do feel sorry for Heidi in some ways, but I just can't get over the sneaking suspicion that I really can't trust what she is telling the media to get attention.
As I stated previously, the Disney corporation has an insane ability to completely rob young actresses of their ability to lead a normal life, but it is not only the youth that are affected. Sometimes it is the parents of these Disney princesses that are the problem. For example, Miley Cyrus is giving lap dances to middle-aged men and her dad is totally fine with it. As a celebrity expert, I am not usually shocked by much in Hollyweird, but I was a little disgusted to read that Billy Ray Cyrus thought that a 17-year-old in shorty shorts grinding on a 44-year-old could be chalked up to kids having fun. That's just what kids do: hit on guys old enough to be their dads. Guess I was a lot lamer in high school than I had originally thought!
So this week I discovered that there are all kinds of ways for celebrities to be eccentric. But then again, just when I'm starting to think that celebs are a lot crazier than the rest of us, I just happen to see a local news story about the latest drinking craze the "kids" are into. It's called "Eyeballing," where one drinks a crapload and then proceeds to pour vodka in his/her eyeballs. Is this really a trend sweeping the nation or is this the new greatest irrational fear for sheltered middle-class parents everywhere? Maybe we are all a little crazy, and maybe stars really are just like us.
If I can roll my eyes at approximately one revolution per second, then my baby blues would need to be about 6,300 times as big to make it through the 1 hour 45 minute giant eye roll of a film they call Letters to Juliet. Starring one of my favorite actresses, Amanda Seyfried (of Big Love and Mean Girls fame), I went into this movie thinking that despite all my spent energy trying to hate chick flicks I would, once again, get sucked into some sort of sappy, touching story. Or at least I thought that I would fall in love with the idea of the characters falling in love because I like the actress so much. But, alas, none such saving graces on this one.
The film follows typical chick flick suit with the story of Sophie (Seyfried), an under-confident but career-minded woman in a bad relationship with a man who pays her too little attention. They go on a pre-wedding honeymoon (eh?) to Italy, where Sophie discovers a statue of Shakespeare's Juliet to which hundreds of young women flock in order to weep uncontrollably while writing her letters about their love lives. For reasons beyond my comprehension, the Italian government (or whoever is supposed to be the financier of this whole operation) pays a group of women to sit around all evening and write responses to all of the letters, leaving me wondering, is there is really no Italian equivalent of Dear Abby or Loveline or even that 90-year-old grandma who shows us how sex toys work on late night cable TV?! But the plot gets a little more far-fetched from there. Sophie finds a 50-year-old letter to Juliet and writes back to the woman, who is not only still alive, but still living at the same address as when she was 15 and makes it down to Italy within what seems like a day (or at least a short enough time-span for it to be well within Sophie's vacation time). Sophie, Claire (Vanessa Redgrave) and Claire's grandson, Charlie (Christopher Egan) then set out to find Claire's long-lost love.
The film had all of the elements to make a good romcom but instead just fell flat. It tried to incorporate some humor, but the timing was so off that things I would normally have had a childish giggle at just weren't doin' it for me. For example, as Sophie is discovering the statue of Juliet and looking around to find ridiculous, sobbing 20-somethings writing furiously in their journals, we see some tourists grabbing the boobs of the Juliet statue. Pretty hilarious, right? Well, it would be if it weren't for the pseudo-revelation Sophie is in the midst of having for some reason and the complimentary swelling instrumental music signaling a serious moment of personal discovery. Maybe it's one of those meta jokes where I'm supposed to be laughing at how ridiculously made that scene is instead of finding the actual content of the scene funny. I'm just giving myself a headache now.
The movie also tried to make good, relate-able characters to suck the audience in, but I was left feeling a little short changed. Between Seyfried's hint of a British accent sneaking in and out and her unchanging "acting face" - consisting of 50/50 mildly confused and slightly offended - I must say I felt like she just wasn't giving it her all. Then there was the extremely slow and touchy-feely Claire, who was supposed to be the sweet grandma type but just came off as super creepy. She kept kissing Sophie on the head and cheeks, and even visited her hotel room one night in just a low-cut robe to brush Sophie's hair. I gazed at the screen with my jaw to the ground at how inappropriately sexual it was for a half-naked 65-year-old acquaintance to brush a young woman's hair in the dark and tell her that there is nothing better in life than to have your hair brushed while the young woman cries uncontrollably.
Finally, Letters to Juliet tried hard to incorporate a twist on an old concept, but once again came up short. While the plot had a lot of potential for new takes on old ideas, it played it pretty close to the vest when it came to branching out plot-wise. Forgive me if I give away the ending, those of you who actually expected anything unpredictable from this flick, but I will begrudgingly give you the customary *spoiler alert* at this point. In the end, Claire finds her true love -- also still alive and still interested in his 15-year-old crush. *Disclaimer* (I really feel like the writer could have aimed for a more realistic time-gap between the letter getting written and responded to than 50 years because either you don't give a sh&% about your teenaged lover anymore after 50 years or you are waaaaaaaayyyy too old for anything to happen again if it is your mid 20-something lover). Sophie realizes that she doesn't love her fiance and travels back to Italy to be with Charlie.
Who is Charlie, again? Ok, I realize that you might be reading this review and think that I am doing a bad job of both reviewing and keeping up on the plot at the same time, but I must assure you that this is completely in sync with the film. Charlie is the relentless jerk, who throughout the whole film objects to his grandmother's quest for love without good reason. Rather than having some sort of "come to Jesus moment" where he realizes that love is worth pursuing or something of that nature, Charlie and Sophie have an out of nowhere romantic connection that goes underdeveloped in the story but somehow is enough to drag her back to Italy later.
Of course, no film entitled Letters to Juliet would be complete without a gratuitous balcony scene. I know that when I am upset about a boy and running away from a situation, my first instinct is to climb up a random stand-alone brick building on an Italian vineyard and stand on the balcony only a few feet away from a large crowd of wedding guests. And thus ends the film Letters to Juliet. There is a hilarious misunderstanding about Charlie dating his cousin who has the same name as his ex, but all is fixed in formulaic fashion and everyone is happy. Then we end with a gratuitous Taylor Swift song with the lyrical refrain "Marry me Juliet!" Get it? It has the name "Juliet" in the chorus...
Predictable, this film definitely is. A plot-twist or comedic highlight, this film is not. I loves me a good RomCom or chick flick, but it must definitely show me something beyond the formula. Sorry, Letters to Juliet, but you get the Angry Amy disapproval!
