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actually, Cliff is a good friend of ours. he sometimes hangs out and watches TBS with us.

so we drove through all that fog, and sure enough, Cliff was standing there with a flat on the side of the road.

"chris and qualler of chris and qualler's pop culture blogulator aka city pages' minnesota blog of the day from the recent past! how you jokin' smokers been?"

"squiggied-out. we've been driving for like two months straight questin' for some wi-fi so we can finally post again."

"gnarly. i totally got SPIKED on the road. and when i say 'i,' i am referring to my vespa."

"leave that spayed cat's vee-kill behind, Cliff. hop on our Tandem Bicycle Shithouse, or 'TBS' as we acronymized it after our favorite home for televised edited almost-recognizable motion pictures."

"what the hell did you just say?"

at this point, we bust out our powerpoint and eduCARE the crap out of Cliff:

[slide 1]
THESIS: TBS rawks 'cuz it done shows only movies that you kind of remember, but not really. like you see a bunch of semi-famous people's faces, but you really don't ever remember any recent movie that has both jamie kennedy and david morse in it. and then you REALLY wanna look it up on imdb, but your computer's way over there. so you just painfully sit through it until some lame-ass VJ-wannabe tells you what movie you're watching and loosely connects some random cajun recipe to the film's narrative. it's like some kind of lame drinking game without the booze and other people to compete against.

[slide 2]

Q: this started it all a while back. what the sludge is the movie with courtney love and charlize theron? feeling minnesota? or was that camera diaz? wait, what? kevin bacon is a kidnapper too? haha i can't wait for firewall to come out. was this in theatres? oh yeah (falls asleep). (wakes up 20 minutes later). oh crap, did this movie start over? oh wait, no, the last scene is just the same setting as the first. whew, that was close. wow i really hate charlize theron.

A: trapped

[slide 3]

Q: this started the trend back up a few months
later. jamie kennedy knows a lot about computers? enemy of the state? there's david morse playing the possibly-morally ambiguous side character. i think he was in enemy of the state too. right? where's jack black? i'm bored. wait, enemy of the states WAS will smith, not jamie foxx, right? i'm getting my black-guy-on-the-run movies confused. haha remember that afternoon you watched running scared with richard pryor and billy crystal? or was it gregory hines? doesn't matter, they're both dead. FOCUS. WHERE IS JACK BLACK?!?! oh wait, (thinks of video box covers). FLED? no, that's larry fishburne and a baldwin. but it is one syllable...BAIT! that's it! wait, i thought that was a comedy with jamie foxx as an outlaw. no, that's...that's....HELD UP! i watched that one afternoon too. fuck, i need to stop watching tbs.

A: bait

[slide 4]

Q: this is later that afternoon. back to tbs. little girl picked up at school by hugh jackman? strings swelling? is he already doing glorified lifetime movies? blah blah strained father-daughter relationship. is the mom someone famous? is that the little girl from school of rock? remember when you got SO mad that jack black didn't show up earlier this afternoon? oh man i can't wait for nacho libre. DON CHEADLE??? what??? now he's driving him off the road?!?! so this is an action movie? geeze...wait, hugh jackman is a computer genius?? a hacker of sorts? i thought antitrust was a bunch of 20-somethings...other hacker movies...think action...HAHAHA i've SEEN this movie before...MULTIPLE TIMES even...i guess in the scheme of things, it's actually pretty popular...it's...

A: swordfish

[slide 5]

Q: later that evening. okay we're right at the beginning. so i should have no
problem missing the G-D title of this G-D movie. oh great, a sunrise or sunset opening shot. that narrows it down. hurry up movie...i gots to go make potty!!! oh no, 20th century fox presents....oh my crap i'm gonna miss it!!!....a david GREEN movie??? who the dick is that?!?!... argghhh...i can't take this, it feels like FOREVER - i need to go b-room nowwww!!! (relieves self, races back to idiot box). did i miss it??? tommy lee jones....okay....tommy lee jones in what...IN WHAT....nicolas cage.... WHAT? what the hell movie is THAT....tommy lee jones and nicolas cage in WHAT???!....sean young?!?! is that that chick who i always think is a dude and then just turns out to be a dudely chick??? from dr. jekyl and ms. hyde?...are those helicopters??? WHERE is the title??...great i missed it....I AM NEVER GOING TO FORGIVE MYSE---oh, there it is...WHAT? i've never heard of that crap. i'm going to bed.

A: fire birds

[slide 6]
CONCLUSION: let's take this road trip to the living room and go watch some tbs, cliff. what do you say???

{counts dolla-billz from money sack labeled "to the blogulator. love, ted"}

  1. Blogger Unspar! | 8:48 AM |  

    This has all the elements of a perfect post: Vespa, powerpoint, Jamie Foxx slash Will Smith, a bike named after a television network. Best post ever? Probably.

  2. Blogger DoktorPeace | 4:00 PM |  

    To win Minnesota blog of the day, don't you have to talk about lake-fishing or something? I'm confused - which of these movies is about lake-fishing?

  3. Anonymous molly | 12:07 PM |  

    CP-
    finally you throw a bone to the blissfully inept weekend programming on basic cable channels! Though I must admit that the movies seem to have changed somewhat from the usual cadre of Breakfast Club, Blast from the Past, et al that TBS seemed to have in constant rotation for the past couple years. A nod to USA and TNT programming is in the near future, I hope. Remember when USA used to only show monster truck rallies, car racing, wrestling, and [my personal favorite] AMERICAN GLADIATORS!?!

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