Harrison Ford Hates The Internet...And Other Blogulator News

So recently, I've had no time to do anything during the week besides churning out financial instruments for the man during the day (and by day, I mean until at least 8:00 pm) and "borrowing" episodes of The Sopranos at night (man, what a brilliant snoozefest it's been so far!) During the day, when I have a free moment, I go and check out the latest in pop culture news. It's enough to fill my head with vacant words and allow my brain some time to heal. That's right -- pop culture news can be theraputic. Just tell them Chris and Qualler said so.

HARRISON FORD HATES THE INTERNET
Man, it must be hard to be Harrison Ford, what with people spreading malicious internet gossip about him. When this story broke, I thought to myself, "Qualler, aren't you sick of people spreading rumors about you, too? And writing crappy modern poetry about you?" Yeah! I mean, if I was secretly involved in the Russian Mafia like Harrison is, while sitting around in my house with an anorexic washed-up actress from the 90s all while pondering why a movie about an online bank robbery didn't make more money than it did in the box office, I'd be pretty worked up about vicious internet gossp, too. By the way, did you hear that Harrison Ford died?

PEARL JAM HAS RETIRED TO THE CLASSIC ROCK CIRCUIT
Yeah, so Pearl Jam is playing some dates at "The X" (Xcel Energy Center) in St. Paul with Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. Now there's a way to regain your relevency, Eddie. Wait, you were never relevent? Oh yeah, that's right. (Alright, so they were somewhat relevent until after Vitalogy, aka The Album That I Desperately Wanted My Friends To Like When I Was In 6th Grade. Wait, if they were relevent to a 6th grader, then they weren't relevent. Whoops.) Sorry, though, I'm not too willing to shell out 200 clamshells to see a couple of classic rockers rock their way to the free world (and the nursing home! Zing-a-ring-ding-ding!)

SHARON STONE IS CRAZY
Sharon, it's time to retire those open legs of yours. Basic Instinct 2 bombed, and now you want to direct Basic Instinct 3? Also, you've been writing lyrics about Hurricane Katrina? Man, you need some time away from the public eye. I have an idea -- you can collaborate with Michael Stipe on your next film project and have him sing the Hurricane Katrina lyrics on your Stipe-produced neo-coffee-soul record. You can call the album Celebrity Train Wreck!

RYAN SEACREST PAID TERI HATCHER TO SQUASH GAY RUMOR
Man, Ryan Seacrest, aka The Next Carson Daly (as if we need another one of those) is a totally awesome dude who scores him some hot chicks! In fact, he even said, "She's fantastic, she's great. I think she's a beautiful woman, she's a great dresser. . . We can share jeans, it's perfect." Now that's a great way to show how un-gay you are. What are you gonna do next, Ryan? Dress up as a GAY COWBOY with Teri Hatcher for your next set of fake paparazzi pictures?! (Laugh track across America ensues.)

Teri, meanwhile, while denying Ryan's pathetic rants, talked about how she was touched by the bad man. While we at the Blogulator certainly would not want to make light of what seems to be a genuine story, we do have license to make fun of Tom Cruise for whatever he does.

TOM CRUISE TRIES TO STEAL TERI HATCHER'S THUNDER
Tom Cruise, in yet another shameless publicity stunt, claimed in the latest issue of Parade (yeah, and there's a reliable news source -- the "magazine" that comes in Sunday newspapers with letters that go something like "Hey, what's the deal with Tobey Macguire? I haven't seen him any movies lately!" and the response is "Tobey Macguire has been busy proving to scientists that he's not actually Jake Gyllenhaal.") that his father beat him. Yeah, now there's an original story that makes me feel sympathetic toward the woman-hating psycho.

Hmmm, that sounds...suspiciously like...a movie that he was in...maybe, one where he played a woman-hater with daddy issues? Tom, you should apologize to P.T. Anderson for making up stories that he wrote.

This entry was posted by Unknown, on Tuesday, April 11, 2006. You can leave your response.