Absence makes the heart grow fonder, especially when the absence is attributed to tracking down Stipey.

Yeah, so Chris claimed that the reason for my prolonged absence has to do with doing "taxes" for "people and businesses." Total crap. Hello, this is a POP CULTURE BLOG! And sometimes, to get on top of the blogosphere, you have to do a little INVESTIGATIVE REPORTING.

That's right, in my prolonged absence, I have been hunting, nay, DESTROYING EVERYTHING IN MY PATH, searching for an interview with the one, the only, Michael Stipe. It has recently come to my attention that, after the atrocious elevator-music train wreck known as Around the Sun by R.E.M., Mr. Stipe has continued to descend into a downward spiral involving writing lyrics about the sun, painting himself different colors, covering songs by Joseph Arthur and then enlisting the help of Chris Martin to sing the high octive since he can't nail it anymore, and generally plummeting into used CD bins everywhere. My search ended when I spotted Mr. Stipe drinking an iced frappucino at the local Starbucks and buying the latest Sia album. Although I cannot deliver to you my tape recording of my interview, I do have a transcript for your edification:

Me: Stipe! Michael Stipe! I found you, you sneaky, bald bastard! I mean, uh...

Stipe: Oh, hi, Mark. I was just writing some poetry about looking in the stars while starving children play in the sun. Check out my blue paint on my face.

Me: That's uh...great. So, um, is the new R.E.M. record somehow involve you metaphorically being blue about something?

Stipe: No, I just tried out for the Blue Man Group and was rejected.

Me: Damn, that sucks, Michael. What are you gonna do about it?

Stipe: I don't know, but have you heard this Sia album? It's like she's Tori Amos, but less relevent. It's outstanding. Hey Mark, do you want a sip of my double skim frappucino?

Me: (getting angrier by the moment) Uh, no thanks, I heard you can get AIDS from sharing food.

Stipe: I don't have AIDS, you hatemonger.

Me: Anyway, so, I heard you're doing a duet with Chris Martin or something?

Stipe: Yeah, isn't that rad? For some reason, Mike Mills and Peter Buck didn't want to go along with another song that involved the sun and helping save the world. I don't know, they babbled something about "artistic integrity" or something...I don't know, I was too busy being painfully obvious about my lyrics to really pay attention.

Me: Yeah, um, okay. So, I really think New Adventures in Hi-fi is one of the best albums of the 90s, and that Up was an excellent turning point in your band's career. Why did you decide to record elevator music?

Stipe: Elevator music? Mark, listen to my lyrics. "I want the sun to shine on me/I want the truth to set me free."

Me: (clenching my fists tightly) And remember when you did a duet with Dashboard Confessional?

Stipe: Yeah, that was awesome. Chris Carraba is really the only honest songwriter alive these days.

Chris Carraba: Hey guys!

Stipe: Hey Chris! It's good to see you! What are you up to?

Chris: You know, just writing some lyrics about how hard it is to be Spider-Man.

Stipe: I feel vindicated.

Chris: Hey Michael, do you wanna jam with the guys? Peter and Mike are all old and crap, dude. Hang with the brahs.

Stipe: I'm in. Mark, are you in?

At that time, I ran away, disgusted, dismayed, and disheartened. And not vindicated. O Michael Stipe, you jerk, please, please, please retire, and keep producing movies like Being John Malkovich. And take off that blue makeup.

This entry was posted by Unknown, on Monday, February 20, 2006. You can leave your response.