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elephant seals and a new obsession with home video-centered television programming.

qualler has been saying for like a week now that he's going to post, so i think it's quite obvious that he's NEVER GOING TO. and i'm getting ready to student teach the crap out of some 11th and 12th graders, so i have no time. but don't blame us, i hear tax season is deadly and high schoolers are DEFINITELY deadly. ALMOST this deadly:

so i present to you a post by guest blogger tommy lee:

what ARE those things?!?! well, thanks to the lovely team of journalists over at MAXIMUM EXPOSURE, i have learned they are called "elephant seals." i know, fucking mutants, right? and yeah that red stuff is BLOOD. what happens is these two dude e-seals (as i will now refer to them as) are fighting over ownership of some chick e-seal. meanwhile, the chick e-seal is getting some fine e-seal tail from a smarter third party dude e-seal that takes advantage of the fact that the two dude e-seals aren't paying attention while they're biting each others' heads off (literally).

this is the first thing i've learned from television in recent memory. and i didn't EVEN watch the discovery channel or that TLC shit!!! maybe if the dumbasses over there only showed attacks between and of animals, then people would actually watch it. but seriously, MAXIMUM EXPOSURE is where it's at:

i have no idea what that could possibly be a picture of, but i assume they're attempting to escape e-seals. man those things are WEIRD looking. let's take another look:

whoa, i think that elephant seal is mating with a regular seal. that is mest. and nast. and friggin' life-affirming. is that dirt or ashes or some shit on that chick seal's back? whatever, they're in love. SO in love. i remember when i was that in love. and it was even NASTIER. serrusly.

lookin' at that dude e-seal face-to-face totally reminds me a little flick, i dunno if you've heard of it, it's called TREMORS? these e-seals were like alien e-seals and lived underground and totally fucked up the pleasant simple lives of valentine mckee (kevin "check out my sorry excuse for manhood in WILD THINGS" bacon) and earl bassett (fred "yeah i was in CORKY ROMANO, and i LOVED it" willard), amongst other less important characters. that movie was DAMN intense. can you imagine not being able to walk on the GROUND? that would be a bummer. luckily they die if they run into concrete:

these dudes are all like "check it out we killed this e-seal." dumbasses. nice try. the wall killed it. duh. man my eyes hurt from being in front of this nerdbox. i'm out.

oh i should probably mention that you shouldn't forget to check out nerdie and nerdie squared's top 50 songs of 2005 list. wow. do these guys listen to ANY rock music?

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  1. Blogger Lauren | 3:29 PM |  

    This must be the week of celebrity guest posts. How thrilling.

  2. Blogger W. Hines | 11:20 PM |  

    I think that's a tremor.

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