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The Top 10 Movies of 2005

qualler and i never liked staying on schedule anyway. sorry for the delay, folks. i've been busy seeing huey lewis star in chicago on broadway and qualler has been busy playing accounting-style family feud for his new employer. literally. but fret not, because after awful theatre and wacky television-esque life experiences, we look back on a different medium...


TEN: batman begins

it still sucked a little bit: apparently batman loves three-ways and doing wacky things like jumping into fountains.

but seriously: the scarecrow was the flipping jam.

NINE: sin city

it still sucked a little bit: only SOME things are in color! neato!

but seriously: elijah wood doing freaky jump-arounds and eating people? now that's one fucked-up nightmare.

EIGHT: cache (hidden)

it still sucked a little bit: man the french are high-falluting wadholes!

but seriously: after a brief lecture on naturalist theatre and integrating my knowledge gained in the voyeurism/pornography unit in film study classes, it's like one long steady orgasm.

SEVEN: turtles can fly

it still sucked a little bit: suddenly my heartstrings are made out of...candy!

but seriously: while sam mendes is getting his jollies off trying to be beckett, iran/iraq create the perfect war movie together.

SIX: the baxter

it still sucked a little bit: as brilliant as awkwardness can be, it's still makes you want to punch people in their smirking faces.

but seriously: retro-hollywood discomfort juxtaposed with modern tired rom-com conventions with a pinch of absurdity is the new black.

FIVE: good night and good luck

it still sucked a little bit: george clooney looks like a goon.

but seriously: at least someone finally attempted to make a movie about the deterioration of news reporting in this country; and its non-bombastic analogy is a flawlessly subtle-yet-firm conduit for its message.

FOUR: capote

it still sucked a little bit: biopics are for people who have nothing interesting to say.

but seriously: though incredibly contained, the fiction vs. fact shit going on here can easily be deciphered in a way that defines this movie as the ultimate anti-biopic. GENIUS!

THREE: a history of violence

it still sucked a little bit: nothing says "great cast" like viggo mortenson and maria bello.

but seriously: you NEED barely competent actors if you're going to make the most deliciously pulpy postmodern film of 2005!

TWO: brokeback mountain

it still sucked a little bit: it's sad when you're a reported off-screen diva and constantly living in tobey maguire's shadow.

but seriously: the fireworks scene. i cannot stress this enough.

ONE: broken flowers

it still sucked a little bit: i feel a little dirty for never getting sick of watching bill murray act sad and desolate.

but seriously: and what a beautiful paragraph it is, wipert. a prose poem if you will. life blooms in its lack. remember that.


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  1. Blogger Dave | 9:33 AM |  

    Great stuff. COMMENTS, THOUGH
    1. Polley, you were in Chicago? And didn't call me? I'm upset.

    2. This top ten list is racist. (Goofed!)

    3. Really? Broken Flowers #1? I got to the end and thought that certianly Fat Albert* HAD to be number 1, as it wasn't listed as "tied for number 1" in the number two slot.

    *I don't know what year this came out in, and no - it does not matter.

  2. Blogger chris | 10:41 AM |  

    haha, no "chicago" the musical! i saw it on BROADWAY in new york!

  3. Blogger Unspar! | 12:28 PM |  

    I would just like to say for the record that Broken Flowers was hands down the worst film I saw all year. Boo minimalism.

  4. Blogger chris | 12:53 PM |  




  5. Blogger Mark | 6:12 PM |  






    Bill Murray rocks. So does wacky music. 'Nuff said.

  6. Blogger Wipert | 1:33 PM |  

    FUcking A, Polley and Qualler. Broken Flowers was about as interesting as my last bowel movement. Oh my god I Did a lot of chicks, Oh my god where is my son, Oh my god I want to be a father... I think Murray needs to de-evolve back into his brilliant role as the caddy in Caddyshack. Bore Bore Bore. Damn it i am so pissed. Where is Wedding Crashers, Syrania, New World, War of the Worlds? I feel like fileting the both of YA.

  7. Blogger chris | 7:05 PM |  

    sure broken flowers sounds dumb if you summarize it like that. too bad you forgot about the deconstruction of the journey archetype, the study of the role of family and its relation to the process of aging, or the intense desire to want one's life to be cinematic only to find out that it never will be. syriana and war of the worlds are about as interesting and profound as back acne and new world hasn't come out in mpls yet. can't wait to see that though.

  8. Blogger qualler | 12:33 AM |  

    Sorry, but I gotta disagree with you here, Chris -- it's BACKNE, not back acne.

  9. Blogger Andrew | 8:58 PM |  

    Dan Wipert Knows Nothing:

    Broken Flowers was an amazing experience of watching. I hate films that have the incessent need to fill space with music and/or dialogue. I think a person's body language and responses can tell that much more of a story then could witty dialogue or pop culture references (*ahem* quentin tarantino). For example, go back and view some of Jarmuschs' earlier films, such as Stranger than Paradise, or even Dead Man. You'll see a lot of simply staring out in space, or people being lost in mundanity (is that a word) or their own thoughts. It's up to the viewer to enter the experiences and world of the characters, and that's what Jarmusch is doing in Broken Flowers. It's letting us into Don's life far more than a stereotypical cause-effect relationship. Although it does have one, to a degree.

  10. Blogger Wipert | 1:10 AM |  

    I left Broken Flowers with nothing. I loved the ending, but it was about one minute. You can make a lot of arguments about how the film commented or decontructed this or that, but at the end of the day I go to a movie to get something I like and enjoy. For instance, War of the Worlds is totally convential and unoriginal, but I felt great after watching it. That pleasure fuels my desire to know why and how. Flowers was a complete waste to me because I don't have any desire to think about it when the lights came up. Same thing with the Squid and the Whale. Say SOMETHING, thats all I ask, say anything at all and it will mean something. Not saying anything is not saying something, POLLY dont even think about it.

  11. Blogger chris | 3:01 PM |  

    oh wipert, i'm sorry you had to do the thinking yourself instead of having it crammed down your throat! go have fun with spielbergo!

  12. Blogger Unspar! | 10:35 PM |  

    Love is a marathon. His lyrics are genius.

  13. Anonymous Brigitte | 5:38 AM |  

    When you see The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada it will change everything...serioulsy. I wrote one of my french finals on why it rocked so hard. If you're nice, I'll let you read it one day.

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