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Four Kings: The Lost Finale

It has come to the Blogulator's attention that NBC has tragically cancelled the Seth Green sitcom, Four Kings. C'mon, NBC, whatever happened to the days of letting a show "find an audience?" I mean, sure, the show may have been the only sitcom I've ever seen that can't even get laughter from its laugh track, but you gotta give your shows a little bit of faith! And to squander an opportunity for a sitcom starring Seth Green is just plain wrong.

Lucky for us, the investigative reporting division of the Blogulator worked into the wee hours of the morning to obtain for you, the reader, the script to the Series Finale. Yes, if NBC isn't going to give us closure to this landmark sitcom, at least the Blogulator will provide it for you.

Here is your cast of characters. From left to right: Roomate #2, Roomate #1, Roomate #3, Seth Green.

Scene 1:

(Fade in. A shot of Seth Green sitting on the couch, wearing a "No. 1" thing on his hand to celebrate his favorite college basketball game. Wait, what's his character's name? Oh yeah, it doesn't matter.)

Seth Green: Come ON, Georgetown! You guys are DA BOMB!

Roommate #1: Uh, da bomb, Seth Green? Who are you, a rapper?

Roommate #2: Yeah, Seth Green unwrapped SOMETHING with that CHICK last night! Hey oh! (Makes an obscene gesture.)

Seth Green: You guys are such cards. Hey, why isn't the game on?

Roommate #3: I dunno, man! Looks like we're going to have to go on an adventure outside our generic New York City apartment to find a local establishment that may be playing the game we want. Oh, and on the way, we're going to run into some misunderstandings, unusual situations, and some good old fashioned heterosexual fun.

Seth Green: Sounds like fun to me. Lets do it!

Roomate #1: Wait, Seth Green, watch out for that ill-placed banana peel!

(Seth Green slips on the banana peel. End Scene.)

Scene 2:

(Swipe to some young people walking around New York. They are definitely hip, much like our ragtag group of roommates. Then fade to the four guys walking down the sidewalk.)

Seth Green: Hey guys, this bar looks like it might have the game on. "Rick's Eagle Club"? I mean, hello, Rick? That sounds like a dude who knows his basketball!

Roommate #1: You're right, Seth Green. This greasy looking biker fellow with ABBA playing in the background would definitely be into sports.

Seth Green: Hey, man! Is the game on here?

Shady Greaser: Yeah, there's a game. What's the password?

Seth Green: Uh...the password is GEORGETOWN ROOOOOOOOOOCKS! WOOOO!

Shady Greaser: You're wearing a rainbow colored shirt. I'll let you in.

Seth Green: But what about the others...

(Shady Greaser pulls Seth into the Eagle Club.)

Scene 3:

(the Eagles Club is a very seedy gay biker bar with...gay biker decor...and stuff, but you know not too seedy, because we've got plenty of money to spend on the set, so call the people at Will & Grace and see what you can come up with.)

Seth Green: So are you into games? Dude, I love basketball, and I love chicks!

Gay biker #1: I've got a basket you could slam dunk anytime, pretty boy.

Seth Green: That's what I like to hear, some competitive trash talkin'! So you're a Florida fan? That must be tough, seeing as how Georgetown is TOTALLY GONNA CREAM THEM TONIGHT!

Gay biker #2: You're not from around these parts, are you, sweet stuff?

(Gay bikers begin to surround Seth Green. Zoom in on Seth Green's awkwardly smiling but becoming steadily uncomfortable face.)

Scene 4:

(Cut to tight shot of Roomates 1-3 in a bar, kinda bummed.)

Roomate #2: That was kinda weird that they only let Seth Green into the bar.

Roomate #3: Yeah I mean, just because we enjoy pastels doesn't mean we don't enjoy beer and sports! Geeze, Seth Green always gets all the fun.

Roomate #1: Uh guys, I think that was a gay bar.

(Roomates 2 and 3 look at each other like "yeah right")

Roomate #1: Well he did only let him in because his shirt was rainbow and it looked like a biker bar...

Roomate #2: Wow Roomate #1, could you be a little more homophobic? Just because they like expressing their bright outlook on life onto their wardrobe selections and they prefer the soft sleek between-your-legs design of a motorcycle to a car doesn't mean they're fags!

(Everyone looks awkwardly at each other, then the camera zooms out, showing that the roomates have indeed found themselves at a strip club, but have chosen to ignore the beautiful women to watch the game on the tv. A dancer walks up to them.)

Dancer: Can I interest any of you boys in a private dance?

(Roomates look at each other.)

Roomates in unison: Nahhhhh...

Dancer: Surely you boys know this isn't a free show club.

Roomate #2: Trust me I know! If Georgetown doesn't stop screwing up, I'll be 20 bucks in the hole with the guys at work!

(Bouncer walks up.)

Bouncer: Gentlemen, I suggest you ask the lady for her services or I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

Roomate #3: Fine fine fine, I'll take care of it guys. (Hands money to dancer.) Just...try to stay out of my line of sight. (Makes gesture showing that he's watching the game.)

Dancer (throws money in Roomate #3's face): I'm sorry I'm not as interesting to you as a bunch of sweaty guys running around trying to SCORE on each other.

Scene 5:

(Cut back to close shot of Seth Green in the gay biker bar. He has a horrified look on his face, as if he's in pain. Zoom out as final seconds of Casablanca are showing on TV. Everyone is in tears together. Bogey says "Here's lookin' at you kid" and they all begin sobbing and holding each other.)

Seth Green: But he'll never get to look at her again!!!!

Gay biker #1: I know, man, I know...

Seth Green: I won't do that to you guys, I promise! I love you guys!!!

(They all continue to cry some more. Seth Green closes his eyes, all of a sudden - BAM! he's knocked on his ass on the ground outside the strip club by the bouncer.)

Seth Green: What? What the hell is going on? I thought I was in Rick's Eagle Club!

(Flashback sequence begins. We are shown un-before-seen scenes of the Dancer calling Roomate #1 "Carrot Top," then Gay Biker #1 saying, "you can come in" and all four of them going into Rick's Eagle Club, then finally the bouncer checking all of their IDs at the strip club and all of their driver's licenses say "Seth Green" on them.)

Seth Green: I...am...my friends? I...am....the four kings of New York?

(Dramatic zoom-out, cue some "indie-rock" song or something. Maybe that Clap Your Ham Sandwich band or something.)


(this post was written both by Qualler and Chris.)

  1. Blogger DoktorPeace | 1:05 PM |  

    Clap. Clap. Clap.

    I miss you Four Kings!

  2. Blogger Dave | 11:48 AM |  

    I was totally with you right up until the end. (Man, these guys can NEVER get laid! Haha! Not even with a stripper right up in their face!)

    The proper ending would feature Seth Green walking awkwardly the next morning, as if he had been pounded in the ass... or maybe because he fell on his ass when the bouncer kicked him out... see, the humor is in not knowing, you see.

    But seriously, if you could continue writing episodes for me that'd be great.

  3. Blogger Mark | 1:05 PM |  


    You could join me and whomever else would like to in the blog that I started on a whim but am a little too embarrassed to tell everyone about at http://fourkingslives.blogspot.com !!

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