Hottie Count - Christina Ricci

Those of you who've already listened to our most recent podcast are keenly aware that The Blogulator crew almost broke up last week. Our disagreements are usually of a political or economic nature -- those being easily resolved by deferring to my 8.5 x 11 Master's Degree -- but this was bigger than all that. Brigitte said Christina Ricci was ugly and had a big forehead, whereas the boys all looked beyond her outer beauty, past those gigantic breasts, and into her very soul to agree that Ricci is hot.

And this was after Brigitte spent 45 minutes stumping for strong women, by the way. Pshah! Sounds like the same hypocrisy demonstrated by the Prussian aristocracy, don't you think? At least that's what I read in some article during my post-graduate education...

Here let me demonstrate to you my smarts by supporting my Ricci position with 3 points. Then I'll finish with a conclusion and get an A plus! Unlike that Western country's environmental record, amirite?!

Omnipresence
Like the ancient Gods, Ricci managed to persevere throughout the entire decade spanning my Hottie Count. She was always there, and almost always at perfect visibility -- not interfering with our free will, mind you, yet reminding us that Hollywood can, in fact, allow decent actresses to persist over long periods of time with minimal craziness. Do you know anything about Christina Ricci's dating history? I don't, and that's pretty amazing given the modern press machine. A cursory search reveals that she was once engaged to actor Owen Benjamin (?) and perhaps had a fling with the much older Michael Stipe when still a teen (Then again: Who didn't drink his orange crush?) (?)

According to my personal awareness spectrum, she seems to expose herself to almost the perfect degree, and that's including Black Snake Moan hahhahahahahahahot! Her biggest box office effort of the decade was probably Speed Racer, and that was an odd case in its own right. I suppose her "different" look -- as Brigitte might put it if she ever decided to be nice -- may be a factor in her more indie output, and I honestly can't say I've seen enough of her work to judge its quality; nevertheless, my initial instinct is to proclaim she done good. I always go with my instincts, of course, to which my stock portfolio would proudly announce, "Good choice, Doktor." This is another comment about how school has made me successful.

Enigmatism
Sound like an eye disease? Brigitte would probably say the same thing, claiming that "big-eyes Christina has it" or something, in her rudest tone. Those doll-like peepers set upon Ricci's porcelain face are part of the allure, though, in whatever good/weird ways you could imagine that be true. I don't think anyone would define Ricci as classically or modernly hot, yet a level of cuteness always existed, its public development reflecting a generation's own movement through puberty... and beyond! Even though her films are of little meaning to me, I feel like I've always known her. She's the girl from that neighborhood over there, who maybe goes to your school? Maybe she doesn't? Maybe she started smoking cigarettes? Maybe she's dating that other guy you kinda know? Maybe you saw her at that Ashtray Babyhead concert? I dunno, but she definitely exists, and, for whatever reason, one night with her seems like a good idea.

That said, she'll probably make you cry afterward. The interview I chose to watch was one for Sleepy Hollow, from 1999 - outside the time boundaries of the Count, sure, but I find old talk show clips more interesting, so deal with it.
After that, I still have no idea how she'd actually act in person. She seems somewhat serious, yet disinterested at the same time(?) Not rude or pretentious exactly; however, I feel like she might call me out for that stupid canary joke I just told and tell me I'm stupid for saying it. Honest enough to hurt, yet without the intention. She wouldn't really care how stupid I was and would just go on living with the same dispassion towards me as before. I wouldn't have lost any points, at least, so in my book that's a net gain.

Bird Jokes
A few years ago, my life changed when friends Pat, Mike, and I sat down for a viewing of Ricci's Cursed. We all fell asleep out of boredom, woke up halfway through the movie, left it on, got bored again, and started telling bird jokes to entertain each other. To this day, I tell those jokes at weddings, travel the world tirelessly searching for new ones to add to the repertoire, and generally owe all of my social success to that night of poor cinema. My academic success, on the other hand, is due to my parents giving money to universities so I can say I went there and did things of which I'm proud.

Q. What organization did the racist bird join?
A. The Kuckoo Klux Klan!

Conclusion
This Hottie series is all about progress, as you know, and I find Ricci to be a lighthouse to which the past decade can always refer for reassurance. Is there a lighthouse in Mermaids? Cuz then that would be really appropriate, plus I made that comment about perfect visibility before, which inspires some shoreline motifs... except for the fact that I want to change my metaphor now. Lighthouses don't really represent progress at all, do they? Railroads do! Ricci is like one of those ceremonial spikes that you lay down when setting up a new station or something, for the same reason that she was a lighthouse, except forward movement and all. I can't really quantify her value, but I'm happy and relieved that she exists, and I want to kiss her in a weird way. Just like the railroad! Isn't education great? I don't know, but I do know that those 3 points I wrote about and my thesis say Christina Ricci is a lock for a high spot on the Hottie Count.

Hottie Count - Zooey Deschanel

There was a time when it seemed the internet would open the world to opinion, offering individuals the platform upon which their unique worldviews could be displayed. I believe that time is past. What is left is fractured, sure, yet fractured into distinct paradigms where unlike ideas are treated with the same scorn they always were. Sometimes the black sheep is a tweet by an NFL player concerned with the nation's euphoria over a terrorist's death. Other times, it's a blog post discrediting the hottie factor of Zooey Deschanel.

Baaa.


Within the web paradigm I subsist, there seem to be some very definite opinions I'm supposed to have about famous actresses. One is that Megan Fox is annoying, not hot, and sucky, all of which is confirmed by Jennifer's Body. I liked that movie. Another is that Zooey Deschanel is a paragon of new age woman, multi-talented with confidence to boost.

Nooo. (intoned sheepishly)

I'm not usually one to disparage acting talent - as I believe the role often determines the quality of the product at the Hollywood level - but Deschanel is as wooden as the wall paneling for which her hipster fans yearn. Her sister (Emily aka Bones) is the talent, yet Zooey has managed to ride the coattails of her show business family into the spotlight as America's choice "Manic Pixie Dream Girl" (MPDG).

"But she is!" you scream. "She's just got the aura that makes her it!" Well, it all feels produced to me. She's the hipster version of that character ideal, and again I use the adjective "hipster" in the derogatory. Hipsters -- or at least the ones who've transformed our generation's meta-nostalgia fetish into a negative -- attempt to grasp onto an image that makes them cool because it made somebody else cool, and in doing so end up merely the reflection of a shadow. There is more emptiness than content, and it simply becomes an elitist niche of the same groupthink occurring everywhere else.

Zooey is not to blame for any of this. I believe she's trying. I have no reason not to believe she's a nice person. And I don't particularly care if people enjoy her acting and singing when I find them so bland and mediocre.
Nevertheless, and to bring things back around to the relevant topic of hottiedom, the fact that this maelstrom of what-I-perceive-to-be myth persists invariably turns me off to what may otherwise be a totes doable bod.

I don't necessarily blame the indie internet circle for any of this, either. It'd be nice if they always shared my opinions so I wouldn't have to write anything and could just read what I think, but alas, my rebel streak was ignited upon listening to a promotional interview on NPR for the party I do hold responsible for all of this...

I blame (500) Days of Summer. While the movie's hipster mentalities do bother me (e.g. the "check this tune out" soundtrack and ambiguous time setting also cherished by 2009's Whip It and Youth in Revolt), the seed of my bitterness was planted well before I watched it. The radio was interviewing either the director or one of the writers of the movie, and whoever it was kept reemphasizing the fact that the film most definitely was not a love story, or anything like that. It was its own entity, unclassifiable as a genre, or so the pretentious sell line echoed over and over again. It was something new. It presented a fresh perspective, just like the internet once did.

Well I ultimately did watch it, and it definitely was a love story. It was simply the hipster variation thereof, in that it was claiming to be something it wasn't.

Deservedly or no, Zooey exists to me in that same paradigm. So as I cling to my own contrived sense of self, I have no choice but to exclude Ms. Deschanel from this list. Alert me to an alternate and authentic MPDG if you know of one; in the meantime, the animated Ramona Flowers will hold her place.

Hottie Count - Personal Disclaimer

As you may or may not know, my entire purpose behind this epic hottie listing is the hopes of one day shacking up with each of them, in the determined order. As you may or may not also know, "epic" is a great word that I was excited about using just now until I realized one second later that internet culture has destroyed it. Is it possible to enjoy something simply for what it is, when forces around you have so demanded you be aware of its quality? Can a child who has yet to watch The Simpsons appreciate it for anything beyond his schoolmates' quote machine?

What I'm really meaning to ask is: Do you guys think Cameron Richardson listened to the most recent Blogulator podcast? And, if so, do you think she liked me?
After listening myself, I worry she didn't, and so this whole post is now an introspective pause for me to regain my footing and prop myself up to the woman sitting permanently atop the Hottie Count.

Concern #1. I don't sound intelligent enough.
Response: Chris and I talked about Friday Night Lights, if you haven't yet heard. I stumbled a bit as I struggled not to spoil the final season or "pre-color" and thus discolor listener opinion. Also, Chris is very well-spoken and a teacher, whereas I talk primarily to my cat and am a comic who delivers jokes only while reading them out of a book to his cat. Plus I was under the impression that we'd be talking about the Newhart finale.

Concern #2. Putting all this effort into preserving my image to an actress I've never met is creepy. That includes this thing that I'm writing right now.
Response: It's only creepy if I look the part. Ms. Richardson, if you're reading this, I can assure you that I am a man of gentle build. Nature is my friend, and so shall be yours, if you do me the honor of dinner, or an interview, or both ha ha that'd kind of be like a date, wouldn't it? Here, look I'll even post a picture of me with a normal human girl to demonstrate that I'm not feared by those who know me.

Concern #3. I use too many filler words, like "um" or "like."
Response: I am nowhere near as bad as most athletes are with "you know," and girls seem to like those dudes for more than their rock-hard bods and smoking abs that are in the middle of said bods (Cammy: I'm plenty comfortable on a football diamond myself, you know). Whilst I've worked on adding scarce more than pregnant pauses to my real-life speech patterns, I've quickly learned that, when chatting non-visually over Skype, there is need for a filler word to announce that, yes, I'm still here. I'm just trying to think of a word I haven't yet used that is longer than five letters and oh god the pause is getting longer and I need to say something smart and meaningful and AIMEE TEEGARDEN IS PRETTY.

Concern #4. I talk about other girls.
In the podcast, I briefly upset Chris by mentioning that I might have switched allegiances from Julie to Tyra at some point during FNL's run, Tyra being Chris's girl or so he thinks in the same warped sense that the trucker guy did before Landry/I intervened. I mean, I guess I found most of the show's girls attractive at one point or another, all the way up to Grandma Saracen... Do you think my Cam-Cam is okay with that? She's already got a baby, so I know she probably kissed another guy before. It's only fair that I get to do some ogling myself, especially after a hard day of listening to Cameron talk about how tough her photo shoot was. Really? You had to try on three different bikinis before they just decided to shoot it topless? I lost the Johnson account today! You know that's the big account because it has the generic yet professional sounding name attached to it! I'm sorry... I didn't mean to make you cry... It's just... It's just that I like how Lyla Garrity looks in a bra, okay?

Concern #5. She hasn't listened to the podcast yet, in which case I typed this entire disclaimer of sanity for nothing.
Response: As much as I encourage all others to listen to the podcast and read the blog, I think it's probably for the best that Cameron not. At least not until after we've dated for a while...

Hottie Count - Rachel Bilson

I know spring just started, but I'm kicking off my Summer Hottie Series today with Rachel Bilson, because she played someone named Summer on The O.C, duh. I couldn't think of a 2000s girl really appropriate to spring, and I just can't wait 'til June gosh darnit! This series needs to start NOW!

Hmm... I guess I could've done Aubrey Plaza for her portrayal of April Ludgate on Parks and Rec... TOO LATE. She'll have to wait until my October spring series.

This is the point where I introduce the subject by reminding everyone that I was once an extra on The O.C. Rachel was there, yeah. They all were. Ben McKenzie even gave me a pat on the back. We were young back then. We thought we knew everything, thought we could take on the world. Little did we know how quickly everything would change...

Anyway, she seemed pleasant enough. I remember Mischa gliding around sans eye contact or smile, and Ben telling Adam Brody that they totally had to go out and party when they went to Florida the next week, and Adam politely expressing disinterest in said partying. There was a moment when Rachel released her lips from mine, I think, to deliver a whispered, "You're the greatest extra we've ever had," but I can't be too sure. Security had already dragged me quite a ways away.

In tepid seriousness, I'm not sure how attracted I am to Ms. Bilson. I always fall face first into both lust and love. I'm entranced by Cameron Richardson's freckled cheeks and Kate Bosworth's heterochromic eyes at the same time I'm repelled by Anne Hathaway's bone structure (Don't think bone structure's not important!). Bilson's a definite cutie whose pictures I perused numerous times in dimly lit dorm rooms. That said, I just don't know how sustainable the mascara'd, night mammal look is. It is hot, and I've told my sister to send any mascara'd hotties she meets my way. I'm just not sure Rachel's the kinkajoo for me.

This is the point where I look up her personal information on Wikipedia to make sure the weird animal name I decided upon for my crappy joke can't be misinterpreted as anti-Semitic... Oh good. "She has stated that she is not religious" (citation needed). That's a plus for my heathen spirit. Scroll down... She loves fashion... Okay, fashion can enhance looks, even though a hottie in jeans and a white T is gonna be a hottie in anything... Scroll down... She dated Adam Brody... I know... She's been engaged to Jumper co-star Hayden Christensen?! I don't remember that! Unforgivable. Brody portrayed one of the freshest teen characters on television, whereas Christensen conspired in the destruction of a movie icon and has otherwise been an out-and-out bore. Because of him, Ryan Gosling has to work overtime to preserve our generation's acting integrity. I doubt Gosling could've saved those Lucas scripts either, but blargh nonetheless.

This is the point where I move onto the interview section instead of embarking upon a Star Wars rant like I kind of want to do (but has already been done by others in hilarious long-form). I ended up with another Ferguson interview, and all went well enough.


I appreciate that Bilson complimented Craig on an "old" movie he wrote (Saving Grace), I cringed at the mention of Jumper (despite not having seen it), and I smiled when she laughed, which was a lot. The laughter offered great emotional feedback to Ferguson's jokes, which is something I always worry I wouldn't be able to do if I ever went on a talk show. I can smile, but I can't really laugh unless it's something my sister says, provided I'm not still mad at her for setting me up with mascara'd non-hotties. I specifically mentioned hotties. It's kind of my thing.

The Hottie Count definitely needs a rep from The O.C., and so far as I know as a barely casual watcher (albeit permanent placeholder in that one party scene cough cough), Rachel is the best woman for the job. Samaire Armstrong looks more my type, but I'm going to bed now and I already wrote all this garbage about Bilson. Let me know if this is the right choice and I'll place her appropriately.

Hottie Count - Cameron Richardson

Circumstances being as they are, the blogging wheel spins back around to yours truly, with the opportunity to return this site from the sexy depths towards which I've steered it to the high pop analytics expected out of what some have called the Entertainment Weekly of the Midwest.

Nah. MORE GIRLS!


Before P. Arty knocked out 8 musical hotties in one (two-part) fell swoop, he expressed concern to me over the possible inflationary whirlpool I'd initiated by writing up every John Tucker Must Die girl in one post. First, I must say that I sincerely appreciate his emotional investment and personal contribution to the almighty Count. Second, however, I must publicly condemn him for attempting to use the fact that he wrote in my stead last week to guilt me into playing video games with him instead of watching basketball. My stubbornness prevailed, and I was consequently able to witness some incredible cheerleading performances. It's refreshing to catch a glimpse of our amateur hotties now and again, as they rejuvenate my passion in the sport. Keep it up, nameless scholar-hothletes, and you too may one day be objectified for your poor movie choices and flabby abs!

I have nevertheless taken the warning of rapid expansion to heart, upon the realization that I'd have to demonstrate creativity again after exhausting lists of girls. For that reason, I am dedicating an entire feature to a woman maybe two of you recognize by name and three by looks - Cameron Richardson. This isn't as reactionary a move as it may appear on first glance, though, as Ms. Richardson holds a special place in my heart. At one time, editor Chris and I were working hard, trying to decide my perfect celebrity match, and Cameron became the answer. I dunno. We'd just look good together on a red carpet, plus she carries herself with an uncertain pleasantness I think would go well with my particular brand of social subversion.

I actually don't know if she carries herself that way at all. The only interview I could find with my Cam-Cam I had to download in .rar form from a fan site. I guess she didn't go on the talk show circuit for her iconic role in the strangely awesome CBS summer horror series Harper's Island, nor for her guest spot on House in which she played a model who seduced her dad into sex because she was the perfect woman because she was medically a man with ingrown genitals or something? I dunno again. Anyway, the point is that she deserves more and better, even if she does hint at an unwillingness for widespread fame in her one interview with *sigh* Carson Daly.

I've never really been a Carson hater, but I realize now that can only be a result of avoidance. I'll give Cameron the benefit of the doubt and a rating of "cutely nervous" for this interview, because man did Carson suck. At one point she brings up the fact that she's playing a mildly retarded character in an HBO series, and Carson makes her use of the word "retarded" super awkward when it otherwise wouldn't have been, forcing her to affirm that it is the medically correct term. Also, his running "joke" throughout the interview is that Cameron voiced one of the chipmunks in Alvin and the Chipmunks, when she didn't because she played a human and not one of the voices. Is that a joke?

Tangent: I'm not so positive anymore that Conan would make an interview with my dearest markedly better. There are some early reviews of the Conan documentary out which describe it as honest, provocative, and good, yet also suggest that he's a bit of a jerk. Sadly, this doesn't surprise me, and it parallels a growing disinterest I have in his new show. It has its moments, but I don't feel like Conan's taking enough risks. He's comfortable resorting to the same humor (especially in the longer and longer monologues), and you know he's gonna make bad British accents when talking to a Brit, make growly noises when talking to a girl, etc. I guess he's always done that, and he is on camera for 40 minutes 4 nights a week... It may be more me than him... probably...

The point is, I should interview Cameron Richardson. After more than 1,000 posts, The Blogulator is surely credentialed, even if many of those posts were written by me about how pretty girls' eyes are. She has a new baby now, so I can avoid that subject and talk about something not doomed to initiate boring baby stories, Conan. I don't know who the father is, but I'm guessing it's some punk who used my poor honey and left her. Why would he hypothetically do that?!?! Usually I'm all in favor of running from responsibility, but I draw the line when responsibility got dem legs, freckles, and smile. Cammy probably has the money for a sitter anyway, right?

Tangent 2: Does having a baby make girls hotter or less hot? My initial reaction is less, because it immediately escalates the relationship, but I had a friend once who supported MILF hunting on the grounds that you know she's up for it. That friend turned out to be gay, and his hunting license was revoked. Also, stretch marks or something blah blah stand-up comedy.

I guess I haven't told you too much about Cameron except that we're perfect for each other, but I think that's plenty. I'm gonna place her at Number 0, which means she's not necessarily on the list, but she will always appear on the top to remind people how hot of a celeb girlfriend Chris once said I could get.

Here's the updated Hottie Count, which is somewhat fluid, and making less and less sense every day:

0. Cameron Richardson
1. ???
2. ???
3. ???
4. Lizzy Caplan
5. Malin Akerman (suck it)
6. Sara Quin
7. Brittany Snow
8. Sophia Bush
9. Mary-Louise Parker
10. Katy Perry
11. Ashanti
12. Arielle Kebbel

Unranked: Angelina Jolie, Anne Hathaway, Pat Benatar.

Hottie Count - Breasty Brackets (Pt. 2)

(Ed. Note: This is a continuation of yesterday's Guest Post by P. Arty. Scroll down to enjoy life as it was in the simpler times of part one, before all those words that trended on twitter over the last 24 hours really didn't change anything. We are still the best everything.)

Match 3:
Match 3 provides a great comparison of the generational evolution of the pop star. Past Top 40 royalty against present Top 40 glamour. This will come down to whether or not my recent “experimentation” in Top 40 has made me youthful, or if I am a still an old man at heart longing for the days of the acoustic guitar.

Frankly, even I am surprised that Rihanna made this list. I rated her higher than expected on talent, based on the fact that I am generally happy to listen to her songs on the radio (“What’s My Name,” “Only Girl,” “Don’t Stop the Music,” etc.). And, like Katy Perry, she gets a perfect 10 in pop culture relevance. But really I think what has propelled her onto the list is the fact that she is the random celebrity I picked as my “true love” in order to make my girlfriend mad one day. (Get it? It should have been my girlfriend!) Talk about the diagnosis bias at work!

You may think that Sarah McLachlan, another one of my longtime music crushes, would lose some points for relevance. However, not only is she in those sad dog commercials, she also had a really great guest spot in a recent episode of Portlandia along with Aimee Mann. Unfortunately, however, the episode, featuring out-of-work female singer/songwriters was telling of her near future. Miss McLachlan recently announced she was done with her Lillith Fair festival, presumably because of a shrinking target market. Almost as sad as those poor dogs! At least she’s still got scads of talent and a healthy hotness score!
Winner: I’m 80 years old. Sarah McLachlan, obviously.

DoktorPeace’s commentary: McLachlan's songs do make me cry. And we all knew P. Arty would pick another foreigner over a battered black American.

Match 4:

Match 4 is another generational battle, this time of multimedia stars! First up is the star of The Wizard, which probably gives her big time points with DoktorPeace because a) it’s about video games and b) she explicitly mentions her boobs. Next up is an old favorite who was in the Celebrity Apprentice and used WWF stars in her music videos! With those resumes, it’s anyone’s game!

Jenny Lewis, your older Rilo Kiley material is fantastic, but how has does your new music hold up? Alright, I can get behind this. It’s kind of catc—dear lord! What is going on with those backup vocals!? Luckily for Jenny, my girlfriend is infatuated with her, and she is probably the best shot in the world I have at a threesome. This increases her score tenfold. Jenny, if you read this, please comment below! Let’s get in touch!

To be completely honest, I just included Cyndi Lauper so I could share this video of an impromptu performance she gave to irate air travelers in Argentina. It turned out to be a surprisingly good a cappella version! Further, “Goonies R Good Enough” has been one of my three favorite 80’s songs since The Goonies came out in 1985.

Winner: Jenny Lewis. Seriously though, please get in touch with me.

DoktorPeace’s commentary: I haven't seen The Wizard or The Goonies, and in fact never even heard of either until the mid 2000s. I have, however, both heard of and seen videos of many threesomes.

ROUND II

Match 1:

Sarah McLachlan defeated Rihanna, but can she hold up against Katy Perry? Old vs. new. Piano vs. Synth. “Building a Mystery” vs. “California Gurls.” We’ve got Katy ahead in hotness and relevance, but Sarah with a wide margin on talent. It’s too close!

Winner: Katy Perry and her skintight jeans.

DoktorPeace’s commentary: You know those beer commercials where the guy in skinny jeans orders a beer and the hot bartender mocks him? I don't understand the tone of that entire ad series. The bartenders are as bitter as the beer they're disparaging, which consequently sours my taste in them. So yeah. Katy.

Match 2:

Sara Quin blew away early favorite Lykke Li, while Jenny Lewis squeaked by Cyndi Lauper. This battle represents Canada vs. US. Multi-genres vs. multimedia. “Portion for Foxes” on Rock Band 3 vs. “The Con” on Rock Band 3.

Winner: Sara Quin and her kinda weird fire fighter parka.

DoktorPeace’s commentary: I have a gold star rating on Rock Band pro drums for both of those songs. That is all.

(Click to enlarge brackets.)

FINALS

Going into the finals, let’s review the bracket:

So Doktor, you’ve got Katy Perry vs. Sara Quin. Frankly, I think you should thank me for setting this up so you can’t possibly make a bad choice. What say you, Doktor?

I wouldn't kick either out of bed, but I'm not sure I'd invite them in the first place. Katy Perry does very little for me musically or sexually, and I'd be more concerned about upsetting her husband Russell Brand than actually getting some. Sure, he's had sex with half the kingdom, but he seems to be in a good place right now, and I don't want to mess with that. (DELETE BEFORE POST: False sincerity achieved. Readers will now leave me alone with girlfriends/wives/pets.)

Sara famously prefers the ladies, so it's likely she'd decline my invite in any case. And a strange case it is, with one side opening to the stylings of a perfect emo girl whilst the other reveals non-gendered toothbrushes and male sweater vests. I honestly don't know whether I'd rather kiss her or watch her kiss another, perhaps even Katy Perry since she once sang a song about such an event, remember? (DELETE BEFORE POST: Pop savvy achieved. Now both will want to produce a remix with me and consent to my second-base-before-collaboration policy.)

They'll both make the official Hottie Count, because I know the other editors here love Perry. However, I prefer to sniff the underpants of underdogs, which is okay to admit because that's what actual dogs do in nature and stuff... Sara wins!


Congratulations to you, Sara Quin. Thanks to the contestants, thanks to the fans, and thanks to DoktorPeace for another chance to look at pictures and videos of hot girls on the internet! Until next time, I’m Perv Hayden.

Hottie Count - Breasty Brackets (Pt. 1)

(Editor's Note: The following is a guest post by longtime Blogulator friend and award-winning blogger P. Arty. Due to the density and intensity of the post, it will be divided into two parts over two days. I -- DoktorPeace -- gave it the subtitle "Breasty Brackets" so as to make all of the Hottie Counts written by myself appear classier.)

Well fans, it’s that time of year when everyone, from intravenous sports consumers to the where’s-the-Puppy-Bowl non-fans, gets excited about SPORTS! What is it about March that makes everyone stop what they’re doing and make their picks for a chance to win a $25 Potbelly’s gift certificate? Is it the intensity and the athleticism of the players? Is it school pride? Is it the pursuit of bragging rights?

Or do people just like to fill out brackets?

I, of course, am no different than everyone else in the fact that I just adore brackets. That’s why I was thrilled when DoktorPeace offered me an opportunity to write a Hottie Count post in March. Not only was I excited because I could create a bracket, but I could also abuse the privilege and self indulgently post about EIGHT potential hotties and have a legitimate excuse for it!

So I present to you the first ever March Want-to-Be-Badness tournament!

[Cue NFL on Fox theme music, which Doktor was supposed to secure the rights to.] (Ed. Note: I did, but only for one use, which was spent on brushing my teeth.)

Now, since most of my celebrity crushes have been musicians, I have decided to stick to musicians. I happen to think talent makes hot burn hotter, and I prefer the talent of angelic voices and pop perfection. (That and Doktor only knows musicians in video games, like Dora Sullivan.) And because this is a pop culture blog, I have decided that I should factor relevance to the pop culture world in somehow. I would have loved to put Caithlin De Marrais from Rainer Maria in here, but I didn’t think her album a couple years ago could justify her presence. Sorry Caithlin, reunite your band!

The Process

1. I have scrubbed my music collection for 25 potential contestants. I have assigned each entry a score of 1-10 in each of three categories: hotness, talent, and pop culture relevance. Based on the sum of their scores I have chosen my top 8, which I will refer to as the Elsweet Eight.

2. I have found an awesome picture of each and provided it to the Doktor, who I have asked to independently rank the Elsweet Eight. Based on the the Doktor’s scores, I have populated an 8-member bracket.

3. I have considered the resulting matchups and chosen winners for the first two rounds.

4. The final match is up to DoktorPeace to decide, since it’s his column and all. Sure, I could just use his rankings, but that’s boring!

5. Again, because it’s his column, he can choose whether or not to include the winner, and if included, where in the Hottie Count the winner will be placed.

Honorable Mentions

It’s a shame not all nominees could make the list. A few shout outs to some of the less fortunate ones:

1. Pat Benetar – I thought the relevance of your new Rock Band downloadable track pack, featuring everyone’s favorite song (and Hayden family karaoke hit), “Love is a Battlefield,” would give you the boost you needed, but alas it wasn’t meant to be.

2. Nelly Furtado – You were once the hottest thing around. Even you saying “Bubbles are really pretty, until they get in your eye because then they just hurt” when I saw you in concert couldn’t ruin you. Where you at these days?

3. Cassie – You came in last place. You’re quite hot, and I really, really like the sexy dirty club bass synth in “Me & U” from several years ago, but I guess the competition was just too strong for you. Sorry, girl!

4. Blondie – Your greatest hits on vinyl (along with a record player on which to play it) was the best Christmas gift I’ve gotten in years. I also really like your songs on Rock Band, especially “Hanging on the Telephone” which just doesn’t get enough respect these days. Sorry I couldn’t include you in the bracket. Keep in touch.

5. Kelly Clarkson – Remember when you intimately sang a song to me and my friends Harry and Arun in the middle of an amphitheater full of underage girls and their fathers? I wish we could have more of that and less of me waiting up at night waiting for you to release some good songs.

The Bracket

If that’s what I had to get rid of, can you even imagine how good the rest of them are? Let’s not waste any more time. Based on Harry’s rankings, here’s the bracket. Feel free to print it out and play along at home as I decide who will make the finals! (Click to enlarge.)

ROUND I

Match 1:

The first match, and Doktor has already screwed me! Both of these were very high on my list. On one hand you have a Top 40 sensation, on the other you have an up-and-coming indie-pop darling. Let’s see what they each have going for them.

Katy Perry gets a 10 in both the hotness and relevance commentary. She is stunningly gorgeous and one of the biggest names in pop music. (I didn’t even have to read this blog to learn that!) And I am a huge sucker for her music, most notably “Fireworks” featuring the latest pop music craze, the drumless chorus, not once but twice! There’s a reason she’s ranked #1 by both the Doktor and myself.

Rosay Pipette (i.e. Rose Elinor Dougall) may no longer be in the Pipettes, but her recently released solo album, Without Why, offers a less sugary take on finely crafted pop songs. Combine that with her being the perfect blend of indie darling and school girl cute, and you got yourself a strong contender, sir!

Winner: In the interest of keeping the final match more interesting, I have to go with Katy Perry. It kills me to do this, because Rosay is my strongest celebrity crush of the last 3 years. Doktor, if you had seen her dancing around in her polka dotted dress singing about chasing boys you would have ranked her higher! Great, I’m already bitter and we’re one match in.

DoktorPeace’s commentary: I've seen enough gifs made from Perry's rejected Sesame Street appearance to rubber stamp this result. Rubber bounces like breasts.

Match 2:

This next match is a battle of foreign indie stars, both of which are less than five feet tall! One of these is an old favorite from Canada, and one is a new hit from Sweden. This battle will come down to loyalty vs. hype.

Oh Sara Quin, my longest and most unhealthy music obsession/crush. I once waited on a hot, black, metal rail at Lollapalooza in 104-degree weather through a Louis XIV set to see her perform 30 minutes before suffering heat exhaustion and having to call the set early, and it was still the best set I saw all weekend! More recently, Tegan & Sara’s latest album, The Sainthood, is the latest step in their sequence of ever maturing albums, their previous album’s self-titled song “The Con” made the official Rock Band 3 track list, and now Sara is a rap backup singer! As I watch this video I feel like I was recently released from rehab, and I am fighting off some serious celeb crush demons.

Lykke Li gets big time relevance and talent points for putting out her new, critically acclaimed album, Wounded Rhymes, which is easily my favorite album of the year so far. Additionally, she wrote my favorite song of 2008, “Little Bit.” She also has very recently released a great video of one of her new album’s highlights, the heartbreakingly beautiful “I Know Places.”

Winner: Sorry Lykke Li. You’re a peewee basketball team playing against the Charlotte Hornets in NBA Jam. I am excited to see you in Chicago in May, though! Let’s get a coffee or a deep-dish pizza! Quin wins!

DoktorPeace’s commentary: I've heard of Sara! I haven't heard of Lykke! I'm making trite comments to undermine P. Arty's work while at the same time approving it! Sara wins!

(Ed. note: Time for your cooling-off period. Come back tomorrow for the exciting conclusion. And breasts!)