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Hottie Count - Breasty Brackets (Pt. 1)

(Editor's Note: The following is a guest post by longtime Blogulator friend and award-winning blogger P. Arty. Due to the density and intensity of the post, it will be divided into two parts over two days. I -- DoktorPeace -- gave it the subtitle "Breasty Brackets" so as to make all of the Hottie Counts written by myself appear classier.)

Well fans, it’s that time of year when everyone, from intravenous sports consumers to the where’s-the-Puppy-Bowl non-fans, gets excited about SPORTS! What is it about March that makes everyone stop what they’re doing and make their picks for a chance to win a $25 Potbelly’s gift certificate? Is it the intensity and the athleticism of the players? Is it school pride? Is it the pursuit of bragging rights?

Or do people just like to fill out brackets?

I, of course, am no different than everyone else in the fact that I just adore brackets. That’s why I was thrilled when DoktorPeace offered me an opportunity to write a Hottie Count post in March. Not only was I excited because I could create a bracket, but I could also abuse the privilege and self indulgently post about EIGHT potential hotties and have a legitimate excuse for it!

So I present to you the first ever March Want-to-Be-Badness tournament!

[Cue NFL on Fox theme music, which Doktor was supposed to secure the rights to.] (Ed. Note: I did, but only for one use, which was spent on brushing my teeth.)

Now, since most of my celebrity crushes have been musicians, I have decided to stick to musicians. I happen to think talent makes hot burn hotter, and I prefer the talent of angelic voices and pop perfection. (That and Doktor only knows musicians in video games, like Dora Sullivan.) And because this is a pop culture blog, I have decided that I should factor relevance to the pop culture world in somehow. I would have loved to put Caithlin De Marrais from Rainer Maria in here, but I didn’t think her album a couple years ago could justify her presence. Sorry Caithlin, reunite your band!

The Process

1. I have scrubbed my music collection for 25 potential contestants. I have assigned each entry a score of 1-10 in each of three categories: hotness, talent, and pop culture relevance. Based on the sum of their scores I have chosen my top 8, which I will refer to as the Elsweet Eight.

2. I have found an awesome picture of each and provided it to the Doktor, who I have asked to independently rank the Elsweet Eight. Based on the the Doktor’s scores, I have populated an 8-member bracket.

3. I have considered the resulting matchups and chosen winners for the first two rounds.

4. The final match is up to DoktorPeace to decide, since it’s his column and all. Sure, I could just use his rankings, but that’s boring!

5. Again, because it’s his column, he can choose whether or not to include the winner, and if included, where in the Hottie Count the winner will be placed.

Honorable Mentions

It’s a shame not all nominees could make the list. A few shout outs to some of the less fortunate ones:

1. Pat Benetar – I thought the relevance of your new Rock Band downloadable track pack, featuring everyone’s favorite song (and Hayden family karaoke hit), “Love is a Battlefield,” would give you the boost you needed, but alas it wasn’t meant to be.

2. Nelly Furtado – You were once the hottest thing around. Even you saying “Bubbles are really pretty, until they get in your eye because then they just hurt” when I saw you in concert couldn’t ruin you. Where you at these days?

3. Cassie – You came in last place. You’re quite hot, and I really, really like the sexy dirty club bass synth in “Me & U” from several years ago, but I guess the competition was just too strong for you. Sorry, girl!

4. Blondie – Your greatest hits on vinyl (along with a record player on which to play it) was the best Christmas gift I’ve gotten in years. I also really like your songs on Rock Band, especially “Hanging on the Telephone” which just doesn’t get enough respect these days. Sorry I couldn’t include you in the bracket. Keep in touch.

5. Kelly Clarkson – Remember when you intimately sang a song to me and my friends Harry and Arun in the middle of an amphitheater full of underage girls and their fathers? I wish we could have more of that and less of me waiting up at night waiting for you to release some good songs.

The Bracket

If that’s what I had to get rid of, can you even imagine how good the rest of them are? Let’s not waste any more time. Based on Harry’s rankings, here’s the bracket. Feel free to print it out and play along at home as I decide who will make the finals! (Click to enlarge.)


ROUND I

Match 1:

The first match, and Doktor has already screwed me! Both of these were very high on my list. On one hand you have a Top 40 sensation, on the other you have an up-and-coming indie-pop darling. Let’s see what they each have going for them.

Katy Perry gets a 10 in both the hotness and relevance commentary. She is stunningly gorgeous and one of the biggest names in pop music. (I didn’t even have to read this blog to learn that!) And I am a huge sucker for her music, most notably “Fireworks” featuring the latest pop music craze, the drumless chorus, not once but twice! There’s a reason she’s ranked #1 by both the Doktor and myself.

Rosay Pipette (i.e. Rose Elinor Dougall) may no longer be in the Pipettes, but her recently released solo album, Without Why, offers a less sugary take on finely crafted pop songs. Combine that with her being the perfect blend of indie darling and school girl cute, and you got yourself a strong contender, sir!

Winner: In the interest of keeping the final match more interesting, I have to go with Katy Perry. It kills me to do this, because Rosay is my strongest celebrity crush of the last 3 years. Doktor, if you had seen her dancing around in her polka dotted dress singing about chasing boys you would have ranked her higher! Great, I’m already bitter and we’re one match in.

DoktorPeace’s commentary: I've seen enough gifs made from Perry's rejected Sesame Street appearance to rubber stamp this result. Rubber bounces like breasts.

Match 2:

This next match is a battle of foreign indie stars, both of which are less than five feet tall! One of these is an old favorite from Canada, and one is a new hit from Sweden. This battle will come down to loyalty vs. hype.

Oh Sara Quin, my longest and most unhealthy music obsession/crush. I once waited on a hot, black, metal rail at Lollapalooza in 104-degree weather through a Louis XIV set to see her perform 30 minutes before suffering heat exhaustion and having to call the set early, and it was still the best set I saw all weekend! More recently, Tegan & Sara’s latest album, The Sainthood, is the latest step in their sequence of ever maturing albums, their previous album’s self-titled song “The Con” made the official Rock Band 3 track list, and now Sara is a rap backup singer! As I watch this video I feel like I was recently released from rehab, and I am fighting off some serious celeb crush demons.

Lykke Li gets big time relevance and talent points for putting out her new, critically acclaimed album, Wounded Rhymes, which is easily my favorite album of the year so far. Additionally, she wrote my favorite song of 2008, “Little Bit.” She also has very recently released a great video of one of her new album’s highlights, the heartbreakingly beautiful “I Know Places.”

Winner: Sorry Lykke Li. You’re a peewee basketball team playing against the Charlotte Hornets in NBA Jam. I am excited to see you in Chicago in May, though! Let’s get a coffee or a deep-dish pizza! Quin wins!

DoktorPeace’s commentary: I've heard of Sara! I haven't heard of Lykke! I'm making trite comments to undermine P. Arty's work while at the same time approving it! Sara wins!

(Ed. note: Time for your cooling-off period. Come back tomorrow for the exciting conclusion. And breasts!)

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  1. Blogger P. Arty | 9:37 AM |  

    Hahaha. "Award-winning blogger." I'll always have my bloggie!

    Also, I would just like to say that I had nothing to do with the Pat Benetar image used in this post!

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