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Hottie Count - John Tucker Must Die

This past weekend, my teetotaling sister stumbled into Vegas, standing straight up, with a bunch of her girlfriends. Because they were all girls, some bouncers ushered them up to the VIP deck of a fancy establishment, where, of course, Brittany Snow was having her birthday party. My sister did not befriend Snow or give her my number, and we are no longer on talking terms.

In a related story, I was once held outside a near-empty Canadian bar in London because I was with too many guys. Most likely, Nelly Furtado was waiting for me inside where we would have fallen in love, leading this post to be a primary account of Furtado's hotness with personal cell phone pics of her abs to accompany the story; yet because of my delay at the door, I've yet to kiss a girl.

So instead I move along to the next installment of my distant hottie analysis, with a look at the ensemble cast of one of the last decade's most iconic cinematic entries. Don't try to be coy. You know that if you pass John Tucker Must Die on USA on a Saturday, you're gonna window shop for at least two commercial breaks. Ladies, that goes for you and Jesse Metcalfe/Penn Badgley, too. When I'm old and have kissed a girl and consequently produced grandchildren, I'm going to point them to this movie as an example of the quality of our generation's women. And then I'm going to give them a condensed meal pill that tastes like Werther's Originals.

Arielle Kebbel
I never remember this chick's name, but I always remember that she played Tom Arnold's daughter in Soul Plane. Anyone who even fictionally could've spawned from Arnold is instantly hotter, as being two degrees from Carpool is akin to being 98 degrees of pure sex. Kebbel is probably the most natural actress in this group, and her model body is the most up my dimly-lit alley; however, she really does tend to disappear from my palette soon after swallowing, and I mean that in the cleanest way possible.

Ashanti
Eek! The first woman of color I've featured in this series, and I'm only giving her a blurb. Honestly, I think she's beautiful, and she comes off as very affable... Nevertheless, I think we're all racist in terms of sexual preference, and I am not a fan of junk in the trunk. I'd rather kiss Ashanti than do her, because her lips look like they taste like strawberry, but I still have to learn how to kiss first according to my running joke that's definitely not true.


Sophia Bush
Guess what? My introductory tale of woe about how my sister got to attend a party with a star of John Tucker instead of me was not only not a tale of woe, but it was hypocritical. On my 21st birthday, I went to a bar on the Sunset Strip in Los Angeles, where I ended up sitting a bench away from then-One Tree Hill lovers Chad Michael Murray and Sophia Bush. They were celebrating that day's release of a A Cinderella Story, instead of my birthday (or so they claimed). I actually had no idea who they were, didn't interact with them, and am no longer on talking terms with myself. Bush is a total hottie, and I totally blew my opportunity to break up her celebrity marriage that ended a couple years later when Chad dumped her for an extra from Wisconsin, which is exactly what I was a male version of at the time. Oh, sweet poetry! Propriety is such a cruel lover...

Brittany Snow
Probably the most famous actor of the bunch, Snow is best known as the voice of Naminé from the Playstation 2 RPG Kingdom Hearts 2. She was also in the arguably broader American Dreams, Hairspray, the movie d'post, and Nip/Tuck, in which she played a nympho-nazi. Perhaps this last character, as well as the fact that she mostly plays frazzled protagonistas, leads me to think that Snow's a bit crazy in real life. Not crazy crazy - crazy in a cute way (at least for the first year of the relationship) - but definitely too high energy for me. Birthday in Vegas? Too crazy for me. My ideal birthday is pastoral solitude in the middle of a field with the ghosts of my dead cats.
I'm going to have to organize my hottie list, as I'm already losing sight of the rankings, but for now I'm going to put Arielle and Ashanti below Mary-Louise Parker, and Sophia and Brittany ahead, if only because of my family's personal history of being near them and not getting personal at all.

To end the post, enjoy this profile of that video game character I told you Snow voiced, as scribed in the Kingdom Hearts Wiki: "Naminé was born when Sora stabbed himself with Ansem's artificial Keyblade in order to return Kairi's heart to her body. This made Naminé a very odd Nobody, born from Kairi's heart and Sora's body and soul. Kairi's own body never became a Nobody because her heart lacked darkness (since she was one of the Princesses of Heart), so her body and soul were never able to leave the Realm of Light and thus made it seem like Kairi was in a comatose state until she regained her heart."

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  1. Blogger chris | 5:21 PM |  

    I really don't remember why I saw JTMD but I definitely watched it intently. Now I finally know why.

    I love the twists and turns this feature has taken! But where are the talk show interview clips to help back up your opinions?

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