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Off The Couch And Into The Theater: March 2010


I feel so lost. The Oscars are over, so I have little motivation to go see movies other than the slight inclination to start my new top ten list for the new year, but I also don't want to let go of my now robust list from the previous twelve months. It became so perfect due to my dedicated efforts, and now it feels like it was all for naught. Ah time, you killer of dreams. The only 2011 release I saw during the month of February was the insta-classic The Roommate, which got a far more just write-up by The Blogulator's very own Joan of Snark, otherwise known as Brigitte. It, like the others I planned to see but failed to due to my 2010 habit, was worthy of a certain type of acclaim, but not the kind that populates excessive adoration and verbose blog posts about Oscar fantasies, and the trend seems to be continuing this month. I hope to soon get over myself and just go watch movies cuz they're fun, but my downbeat demeanor isn't helping much. Nevertheless, here are the month's releases (with "Do I Wanna See It?" percentages in parentheses)...

Mar 4th: I don't know what it is about the animation in Rango (66%) that makes me feel an inexplicable desire to see it, but I really like unconventional choices for talking animals, plus it almost looks like a western. Who knows if it'll be the first non-Pixar computer-animated film to matter, but I at least have a curiosity. I have absolutely no clue what The Adjustment Bureau (71%) is about, but I like watching Roger Sterling chase Matt Damon as both wear nice suits. Also I think they open doors to new world or something? Looks trippy. Topher Grace returns to the silver screen in Take Me Home Tonight (49%), and not only is it named after an Eddie Money song, it also takes place in the 80s, so you know it'll be wacky. It'll also prolly be a bit heartfelt, but you know, not too much. Beastly (8%) thinks that for some reason retelling Beauty & the Beast in a major American metropolis with a guy that looks completely normal except for some scars and a sci-fi piece of metal in his face is a good idea. Oh, also, Vanessa Hudgens. Who is she again? I honestly can't remember. A Somewhat Gentle Man (52%) tackles the overdone guy-gets-out-of-prison movie and stars Stellan Skarsgard, but what's more notable is its IMDb plot summary, which explains that when the murderer protagonist meets his son's fiancee's family upon his return, it turns out "they don't approve of murder." Twist! Undertow (73%) sounds like it has potential, as it's a Peruvian film about a recently married man who is haunted by his dead male lover's ghost. Twist theory: he was murdered by the husband and the wife doesn't approve! The Over the Hill Band (60%) also has the spark of a unique idea, but it easily could be dreadfully saccharine, or sweetly inspiring. A mother reconnects with her son after the death of the father and they start an R&B band together featuring his compositions but her old girl-group compatriots. See what I mean?

Mar 11th: The alien movie is back in a big way with Battle: Los Angeles (84%), and while the trailer just make it look like Cloverfield meets District 9, I am still easily wowed, even if it's a fleeting feeling, but big spectacle movies about extra-terrestrial life. Hell, I saw the Day After Tomorrow remake in theaters. I have no idea how Red Riding Hood (29%) relates to the original fable, but it looks like it's trying to re-invent the story way too much, as Amanda Seyfried's eyes are wide about much more than a wolf it seems. Apparently Gary Oldman's somehow involved though, so that's an automatic twenty percentage points. I assume the title Mars Needs Moms (4%) tells us all we need to know, though I suspect the literal semantics of it don't imply we're going to see a bunch of computer-animated maternal figures being skyrocketed to Mars because the planet itself is a breathing entity a la The Fifth Element and just wants some love. South Korea's I Saw the Devil (75%) sounds like your average abstract Asian revenge flick, following a man seeking vengeance for his dead pregnant wife, but it's directed by the same guy who did A Tale of Two Sisters, so I'll likely give it a whirl. Probably not until Nerdflix though. And The Last Lions (MEOROW!%) is our obligatory the-world's-effed documentary, this time examining the dwindling king-of-the-jungle population around the globe. I guess I won't ever get my own domesticated Simba, huh?


Mar 18th: If there's one acting duo whose movies I can always count on, it's Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, so the alien road trip comedy Paul (100%) is the biggest no-brainer of the month, even if it's not helmed by Hot Fuzz's Edgar Wright. Matthew McConaughey stars in The Lincoln Lawyer (1 or 101%), which is a legal thriller about a virtuous out-of-work attorney who suddenly gets handed a high-profile case, and while that logline's as interesting as this flat soda water I'm drinking, somehow the trailer makes it look like a trashy romp. I don't get it. Limitless (101 or 101%), on the other hand, is a guaranteed trashy romp [crosses fingers], as it features everyone's favorite McConaughey wannabe, Bradley Cooper, as a man who, yes this is real, is given a pill that gives him all the knowledge and power in the world. De Niro costars, naturally. Of Gods & Men (67%) sadly breaks up my hyperbolic percentage streak because it's about the Algerian monks forced with the decision to either leave or stay in their poverty-stricken community as terrorists invaded. Way to put a damper on my Hollywood circle jerk, Algeria. Poetry (32%) continues the bummerfest by looking like the saddest movie ever, about an elderly woman struggling with Alzheimer's who only finds joy in writing poetry as her son increasingly distances himself from her. Stop crying! That's what they want you to do!

Mar 25th: In what might be the weirdest attempted blockbuster ever, Sucker Punch (58%) seems to be a high-octane thriller about a woman institutionalized by her evil stepdad who escapes into an alternate fantastical reality featuring ninjas and dragons and stuff where she conquers the staff of the hospital and the man who put her there. Of course Zak Snyder of 300 and Watchmen directs. It looks ugly/pretty. Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules (1%) is apparently a sequel to a movie that was an adaptation of a popular children's book series that I wrote about in an Off the Couch feature last year but I only hazily remember. Anyway, Steve Zahn's in it, otherwise I not reason to continue discussing it. Jane Eyre (12%) is your expected pastel-colored adaptation of the old-clothes staple featuring Mia Whatshernameski from The Kids Are All Right, and while I often guilt myself into knowing all classic literature, I cannot muster more than feeble curiosity about this. When We Leave (5%) sounds like a realllllly boringly straightforward tale of a woman who fights to become independent and free from her family's traditional ways. Plus it's German. I don't know what that implies - sorry to all our Germanic readers. Lastly, the French film Certified Copy (6%) predictably features the adorable Juliette Binoche and even more predictably but decidedly less adorably highlights a romance between a writer [Editor's Note: ugh.] and a woman who leads him to a quaint village where they, uhh...you know.

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  1. Blogger DoktorPeace | 1:02 PM |  

    Hudgens is the hottie who fell in love with Zac Efron on the set of HS Musical and then they broke up but I think they're together again she's so talented and HOTT!!!

    Looks like I'm gonna make it at least into April without seeing a new movie. I love Pegg and Frost as much as anyone, but I haven't smiled once during any of the Paul trailers.

  2. Blogger chris | 11:40 AM |  

    I didn't smile once during the Shaun of the Dead trailers either, so I'm hoping they're saving all the good jokes for the actual movie.

  3. Blogger DoktorPeace | 1:32 PM |  

    If the movie gets good reviews (from pros/bros/hos), I might go. All of the early rumblings I've seen around the net suggest disappointment, though.

  4. Blogger Courtney | 10:33 AM |  

    Michael Caine? Did you mean James Caan? :)

  5. Blogger chris | 7:04 PM |  

    Hi Courtney--

    I assume you're referring to my April post, where I mention Henry's Crime? Yeah, you're totally right. I believe I mixed them up because Michael Caine played a criminal in Harry Brown a few months ago, which has a vaguely similar name.

    Personally, James Caan being in that movie instead of Caine makes it a lot more appealing.

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