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Hottie Count - Anne Hathaway

We've had a fun time with this Hottie Count so far, haven't we? It's been a glorious five or so posts (I can't be bothered to check). Sure, we've had minor spats over women like Malin Akerman, but we've always found a way to come together again, by joining hands and voicing our unified disinterest in Angelina Jolie.

Well, that's all about to change. I am here today to completely and utterly spit on a persona so many of you adore. And yes, she is naught but a persona, too nauseating to glorify with a full human identity. Anne Hathaway, oh how I loathe thee.


First of all, why does nobody care that William Shakespeare's wife came back from the dead to star in our movies? Haha just a little history joke to lighten the mood.

I hate her so much, which isn't actually that much considering I don't care to waste feelings on people who don't directly affect my life. Yet she does indirectly annoy me through my peers' fondness; ergo, relatively, I hate her so much.

Back when Conan had Late Night, my friends "D," "M," and I settled in for an interview with Ms. Hathaway. My tastes have always vastly differed from theirs, with D for one openly passionate in his love for horse faces. We thus headed into the interview with different expectations, mine being to encounter her personality and my friends' being to slobber all over my floor and then just rub the slobber in cuz you can do that on my basement carpet and no one will notice.

Coming out, we all agreed she was insufferable. Hathaway oozes theater pretension in all the worst ways, yet for some reason our generation's critics are willing to overlook it all. Why? Apparently she was great in Rachel Getting Married, which is the first thing everyone says when I verbalize my hatred. She was also lauded for her role in Brokeback Mountain, a movie during which, apart from the sheep and mountains, I was as bored as I was during every other straight love story.

Before and beyond that, Hathaway is adored for princess roles in Disney movies, which shot her to fame alongside a press campaign to anoint her the next Julia Roberts. I'm not going to say that Roberts hasn't had some great roles (because I haven't seen any of her supposed classics), but I like to believe our generation has grown wise to her game. Did anyone you know see Eat, Pray, Love.? That film appeared to be vanity incarnate, and I confidently predict that Hathaway will dump the same garbage on us in 20 years, to which the next generation will exasperatedly throw up their hands.

Instead of burdening her with the Roberts legacy (which I believe has passed onto niece Emma anyway), perhaps I should compare Hathaway to her alleged idol Meryl Streep. David Cross once commented that the Mr. Show character Borden Grote, whose intense method acting drove him to replace his frontal lobe with bubble wrap so he could play a mental patient, was inspired by Streep. Supposedly the esteemed actress, having to appear dead in a scene, chose to lie on a block of ice before filming. That is the kind of crazy some will declare genius. My declaration would be more along the lines of "too self-consumed for common sense," which more often than not translates into a parallel disregard for common people.
Yes, that is the crux of my backwards argument. Good actor or no, Hathaway seems a person too great for others, which is why I don't think it's totally off-base to implicate her character in the wrongdoings of her ex-boyfriend, Raffaello Follieri. If you don't know, Follieri is in prison for scamming investors while posing as a representative of the Vatican. Hathaway broke up with him the same month he was arrested, after dating him the four years prior. Draw your own conclusions. I'm using permanent marker to draw a sociopath who gets off on fooling others out of their money...

People paid to see Bride Wars!

Hathaway can't truly be as bad as the picture I've painted here, yet I've been compelled by my minority position to take this attack above and beyond the norm. Underneath all this bitterness lies the simple fact that I don't think she's hot. If I were to be completely honest with myself, I'm probably compensating for some lack of masculinity I feel in not being attracted to a so-called sexual icon.

Who knows? Maybe some day I will come around, see the light, and want to do Michael Jackson. Until that day, though, ya'll can keep your slobber off my Hottie Count.

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  1. Blogger chris | 9:53 PM |  

    You sonofabitch.

    (Great use of a Bad Boys YouTube clip!)

  2. Blogger Sean | 12:33 PM |  

    Harry is totally right. AH sucks.

  3. Blogger qualler | 12:35 PM |  

    No way, DP and Sean. AH is da bomb diggity (although I was gonna use the Rachel Getting Married card but see that you took that option out of my hands with your writing...you slippery snake you.)

  4. Blogger Sean | 12:36 PM |  

    Pff, she's blander than air on toast.

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