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Hottie Count - Angelina Jolie

It's come to my attention that there are some serious quibbles over my handling of the Hottie Count. Being open to new ideas as I am, I herein attend to address said quibbles, so long as we all agree hotties shall never be granted suffrage.

The first concern I've heard is that I focus too much on obtuse interpretations of personality. Apparently how a woman interviews doesn't much influence the desire for many men to smooch that woman. First of all, I disagree. Second of all, I disagree because, for one, this ranking system requires a holistic approach to individual sexiness. If all I were to do was focus on physical beauty, I wouldn't have much to write about, nor would I have much common ground on which to approach the writing I had left. There is no singular path to beauty. Take the butt, for example. Please. There are so many different types of butts that people enjoy. Small butts, big butts, male butts, female butts, bubble butts, flat-as-a-serving-tray butts, tight butts, cottage cheese butts... Not only is that a zero-sum game, but I simply don't objectify women in that way.*

And for two, on the importance of personality in hotness: Do you really want an uptight b**** barkin' in your bed all night?

Secondly, yes I'm doing this confusing verbal numbering on purpose now.

The second concern is that I've not yet ranked any serious celebrities. Mary Louise Parker, Lizzy Caplan, and Malin Akerman are too small potatoes for certain members of our community, which is why I'm bringing out the big guns with Superdrug's Beauty of the Decade, Angelina Jolie.

Here's the complete list of Jolie movies I've seen:
- Lara Croft: Tomb Raider.
- Shark Tale.

This is an accurate reflection of my interest in this woman. I wouldn't say that I actively avoid Jolie's work, but her presence results in a thin layer of disinterested film covering my eyes, and that film doesn't feature her either. I don't even think I've hovered on a Jolie interview for more than 2 minutes; and again, it's not because I dislike her. I simply don't care, in as absolute a way as one can not express emotion about something.

Here, let me find a talk show interview and see how long I last:


I did 2 minutes again. By the way, this clip has almost 2 million views what the hell!

My brief character analysis, not that any of you perverts care: She seems more vibrant than she ever appears in trailers, always playing stoic assassins and stuff. She also, however, commits (with Ellen's assistance) 2 cardinal interview sins that immediately shut off my brain: She talks about a kid, which is almost always boring as hell, Conan. And she talks about In-N-Out burger, which is overrated food made out of animals that don't have dignified sex.

So here's the Angelina Jolie theory I just made up in the shower. The reason she's so popular and looked upon as an epic beauty has everything to do with the internet; or, more accurately, the infancy of the internet. Jolie's rise to stardom occurred right around the time the world wide web was developing into the daily information standard it is today; so at the same time she was reaping all the benefits of old Hollywood promotion, she was accessible in a new format that only really had the capacity to create gif-filled tribute sites to select hotties. Nowadays every Kim and Khloe has an official fan site, forum, myspace and facebook page, but that wasn't the case back in the ancient 1990s. It consequently became an established norm that Jolie was undeniably bangin', all of show business took that cue and followed form, and it is now impossible for anyone on television not to preface her introduction without some physical superlative.

In short, she is the Google of celebrity women.

That parallel can be extended to my presumption that the elderly don't really understand her. They imagine that all the kids love Angelina Jolie, just as they imagine (correctly in this case) that all the kids play the Google, and so they go along unquestioningly with the press swooning. Then again, the elderly may just have bad taste. I mean, some of the so-called classic beauties ain't got butts worth nothin'.

*Also, Jolie's lips are big, right?

As you may have deduced, I am placing Jolie nowhere on my Hottie Count. Instead, I grant this week an Honorary Top Ranking (HTR) to a woman who may not be a household name, yet who has captured my heart and responded to my tweet. Erinn Hayes, congratulations! Never forget the time we shared typing things at each other through the veil of virtual security.

Hayes and Akerman attend the 2011 Hottie Count 2000-2009 party.

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  1. Blogger P. Arty | 10:16 AM |  

    That is so awesome. You're practically going steady!!!

    Agreed on the Jolie front. I never really got it.

  2. Blogger qualler | 10:51 AM |  

    Way to go, Doktor!!! You guys are totally TwitterDating.

  3. Blogger chris | 12:46 PM |  

    I've gotta admit, when I saw "Hottie Count: Angelina Jolie" at the top of my monitor, I almost vom'd and text-bombed you with vom-related complaints.

    But you flipped the script on me, Dok. Excellent work as always, and when you land that Childrens Hospital Blogulator exclusive, Qualler and I will provide you with a very professional-looking fake press badge.

    On Jolie: P. Arty should remember a night in a basement that involved undersexed 19-year-old males and Gia on HBO.

    This said, I have not had any non-bug-related thoughts (dirty or otherwise) about Jolie since then.

  4. Blogger qualler | 12:48 PM |  

    Yeah, Angie started hot when she was the crazier crazy in "Girl, Interrupted" and then has bored me with her blandness ever since. Talking about kids is a total dealbreaker, cuz it's always like, "Hey, America! You have kids, right? Don't you love when kids do this thing? And hate it when they do this thing? I'm so relatable."

  5. Blogger Sean | 12:49 PM |  

    I agree with this post.

  6. Blogger DoktorPeace | 4:56 PM |  

    Unfortunately, Ms. Hayes is already married, so our relationship is purely stalker/stalkee.

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