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Hottie Count - Malin Akerman

Girls aren't funny.

Er, let me qualify that: Girls don't have to be funny. I'm in the camp of behaviorists who believe that men are generally funnier because they have to be. Females hold the uterine power, and a good joke (especially one about birds) can successfully trick a woman into forgetting that the male telling it has no money, no metaphorical nest egg (not a bird joke), and a peacock (saucy bird joke). A decent sense of humor at least demonstrates some ability to digest the chaotic world around; plus it's a great tool for surviving the arid environment of so many cocktail parties.

I mean peacocktail parties.

That all said, I know a lot of funny women. Lucille Ball is one of my all time favorites, and Sarah Silverman can hit the spot. Even real-life girls can be funny, like Blogulator co-editor Brigitte and Blogulator co-wife Jerksica, who has an incredible bit about women and men being different... I mean, come on, ladies, am I right?

It's becoming more of the norm, thanks to gender evolution. Because women were allowed to educate themselves in the past century, they were granted a key prerequisite (knowledge) to advanced comedy. Women are also allowed to be men nowadays, so they can become funny that way, too.

The reason I bring this all up is because I was going to skip the Hottie Count this week and do something of more substance (e.g., a list of hot video game characters) until I stumbled upon what-has-become my favorite comedy since they banned bird jokes from the air - Childrens Hospital. The medical drama send-up is chock full of funny ladies, including Megan Mullally, Lake Bell, and (swoon) Erinn Hayes. Blondest of them all, however, is Malin Akerman, the subject of today's installment.


Malin steps into the role of Valerie Flame in the second season of Childrens Hospital, which began airing August 2010...

Dammit! That role isn't relevant to the decade in question, which I continually/annoyingly emphasize as 2000-2009, so we're gonna have to look at some earlier work for this case. Hmm she was in The Comeback with Lisa Kudrow... didn't see it... 27 Dresses... nope... mainstream comedies I had no interest in like Couples Retreat and The Heartbreak Kid... something called Heavy Petting for people who like dogs with their breasts...

Here we go. She played the shockingly sexy and slutty wife to the boil-faced farm mechanic (Christopher Meloni) in Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle. A small part, but one of the more memorable scenes in the film... Okay it's memorable because she shows stuff, and this is something I specifically want to bring up with Ms. Akerman. She takes her clothes off a lot (internet research offers clips from The Heartbreak Kid, The Comeback, and Watchmen), yet she doesn't lose appeal for overexposure because: a) She's smoking, and; b) Like Mary Louise Parker and Lizzy Caplan before, she's acting. Even in instances where her nudity might stem from weak scripting, she plays over the nipples and keeps her character emotionally clothed. That may sound dumb, but it works wonders in the casting room.

The press loves to emphasize Akerman's Swedishness, despite the fact that she moved to (gross!) Canada at age 2. Then again, she speaks the language fluently and is married to a real Italian, so she earns the Euro-cred. What she doesn't get cred for is modeling Milwaukee Brewers outfielder Ryan Braun's "fashion" brand, Remetee. I've liked Braun ever since last year, when, as he walked by, I held up a menu from his namesake restaurant and yelled "How's the shrimp?" and he turned with a thumbs up smiling, "Good!" Nevertheless, I agree with Joanna Krupa (whoever that is), who commented that it looks like Ozzy Osborne threw up on his clothing line.

Despite typically weak questions regarding her aforementioned Nordic ancestry and all things Watchmen, I've legitimately enjoyed every interview I've watched/read with Akerman, to the point where I would consider writing letters if her aforementioned husband wasn't from the aforementioned Italy, specifically the not-yet-mentioned city of Naples where never-to-be-mentioned Mafia live. There's a hint of aggressive sexuality in her speech, but it almost seems more like a response to the subtle sexuality of the questions she gets. Plus, that's kind of how she gets paid. Beyond that, she's just a darn fine conversationalist and another fine example of Canadian education *cough* forget about Avril *cough*.


If I were to base Akerman's ranking wholly on her credits from the accordant decade, she might not rank too highly. However, I appear to break my own rules as I return to Childrens Hospital for my final argument. The fact that she would work (and excel) on such a strange show, on television, on Adult Swim of all places, after tasting the A-list with something like Watchmen, is indicative of pre-existing confidence, fun, and funny to which I'm granting retro-neo residual points. Sorry Mary Louise, but this is a matter of personal taste in comedy that, timely or not, I can't get out of my bones. Malin slots in at number 5 as Parker drops to 6.

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  1. Blogger Papa Thor | 8:56 AM |  

    According to the running back/actor Jim Brown: musicians get the most chicks, then comedians, then athletes, then actors.
    Also, I like that woman that is Ricky Gervais' friend on "Extras". She is dumb, but nice, and very funny, I guess it is a step forward that women can be dumb and funny and still appealing.

  2. Blogger qualler | 3:03 PM |  

    Papa Thor, your wife heard about this comment and told me to say that she is mad at you about it! Uh oh! Trouble in paradise!

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