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Hottie Count - Lizzy Caplan

Here’s the reason I’m unemployed. Every time I go to fax in an offer contract, or go to call my underground spy/blogging contact, I get an urgent page from Chris or Qualler. I rush to my e-mail to check the page, because that makes sense, only to discover that they’ve sent me yet more paragraphs outlining why they believe Lizzy Caplan is so hot. Then I find out that the blue chip company offering me the six-figure salary just had a meeting literally two minutes ago to declare faxes obsolete and blacklist anyone who was meaning to use one more recently than two minutes ago. Plus we’re now at peace with the country I was going to spy/blog against, so yeah. Thanks a lot guys.

My peers have launched this crusade against me with the false premise that I’m some kind of Caplan-hater. Not true. However, I will begin this analysis with what some would consider a heretical statement: In her biggest movie (Mean Girls), she doesn’t even crack the top 3.

Calm down! If you want to throw things at me, please make them edible or expensive. Remember now, Lizzy plays the outcast in a hottie-loaded movie, and is therefore intentionally handicapped. Goth/punk can be hot, but I’m not sure the costumers were going for anything more than “unpopular” or “different.” Alternative fashions, despite their undercurrent of disinterest, still require direction and focus in order to be legitimately hot. See Hayley Williams. By the way, I’m a fashion expert.

Ranked above Ms. Caplan in Mean Girls (but not necessarily anymore) are 3 of these 4. Choose your own adventure:
- Lindsay Lohan. At her hottest and most sane. A tragic reminder of what could have been.
- Rachel McAdams. Confident bitchiness sans the ice queen vibe.
- Amanda Seyfried. Playing dumb and slutty, just how (redacted) likes them.
- Lacey Chabert. My personal favorite, for reasons I can’t explain without a Santa suit.

As we well know, though, this exercise is a search for hottie of the decade (ending in 2009), and Caplan had a couple more major roles up her sleeve yet. To introduce them, an elucidating quote from Qualler, taken either from his recent piece in Scientific American or a comment on my last post:

"A hottie and an incredibly gifted, versatile dramedic actress... Her work in the series (sad face) finale of Party Down was outstanding. And, True Blood. Plus, the woman is smokin'."

I left out the part where he gets all guilty about his celeb crush and mentions his wife to make us think he loves her more than Lizzy. He should've mentioned his dogs; they're the insecure ones.

Let's start with True Blood, a show I was slightly schizophrenic about until finally choosing to abandon it after this recent season. Caplan plays a hallucinogenic drug addict who I actually remember don't liking much. Still, she was at least interesting, something that has slowly escaped the show in its transformation into a Harlequin romance novel. Oh yeah and she gets naked blah blah and everyone loves it, including her real-life friends, as she recounts in part 2 of this Kimmel interview:


My professional opinion from the interview: She seems normal and relatable, intelligent and funny. Then again, she is a native Angelino. You never know what's going on inside those people's heads. People born in Northern California on the other hand... Incredible.

Which brings us past stuff I haven't seen like Cloverfield and up to Party Down, the culmination of her career. I could add a "so far..." to that last sentence, but let's be honest with each other for once in our pitiful relationship built upon lies and old cemeteries: No matter how successful or unsuccessful she is from here on out, this seems to be one of those defining roles that an actor is just perfect for and makes the most of and all that stuff. Strange how that works, considering she was the only main cast member not involved in the original test pilot. How differently would my career have been ruined if Mark and Chris were constantly paging me about Andrea Savage? Whatever the reason for the change, it worked. Every episode, Caplan seems to age like a fine Jewish fig wine. Mark mentioned her incredible work in the series finale, which aired in 2010 and is therefore disqualified from this contest. Still, she's equally great in the first season, when I liked her hair better anyway.

So what does this all mean,relative to the all-important Hottie Count, a list which, despite its critical acclaim, currently contains just one item - Mary Louise Parker - in the number 5 slot? Well, it means that Caplan is going to be ranked either 4th or 6th, because that's how I've decided to play this game. One rank at a time. One shoe at a time. One pants at a time.

I've seen Ms. Caplain in Mean Girls, True Blood, and Party Down, and been entertained by all, each in their own ways.

I've only seen Ms. Parker in Angels in America, which is about AIDS.

Caplan wins.

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  1. Blogger chris | 6:38 PM |  

    Wow, did both Qualler and I independently page you about the same hottie? We were born to blog together.

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