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Hottie Count - Mary Louise Parker

This New Year’s Eve, Chris, myself, and some strangers embarked upon a most excellent adventure. The goal: To determine the top 5 hotties of the decade. Given the fact that we were in an abandoned nature center and some of us were limited in our mental capacities, the list we ended up with, while respectable, can now only be labeled “incomplete.”

Which brings me to this, the first in a (possibly decades-long) series of posts carrying on that quest, and my first official post in the role of Blogulator Pervert. Before you judge my judgments, however, let me posit: Is celebrity lust truly a perversion when it’s so intrinsically connected to our animalistic search for the perfect mate? I mean, I can’t help it that celeb nips be so fine.

For administrative purposes, I need to stress that the decade in question is the 2000s, ending at 2009. I don’t care how hot Mila Kunis was in Black Swan. If she’s going to qualify, it’s going to be for Forgetting Sarah Marshall or Extract. Some debate will need to be had over an individual like Emma Watson, who, despite growing into the primary reason to see Harry Potter movies, was only 10 at the beginning of this timeframe. Weird.

More rules, regulations, asterisks, innies, outies, etcetera will emerge as the conversation evolves. I will attempt to be civil, in a PG-13 kind of way, and I trust you’ll find my definition of sexiness quite mature. For now, though, just sit back, relax, and make sure your computer monitor isn’t obvious to passersby.

Subject the First: Mary-Louise Parker

An interesting note about the original list (which I won’t fully publish now, for spoiler reasons, despite nobody caring), is that every one of the final 5 was older than the 20-somethings who were voting. Are we really that down on Lolita, or have modern taboos simply forced us to withhold our desires? A classic question that will make a great chapter for the book deal I get after publishers recognize I can stay on topic after introducing one heyyyy Mary-Louise Parker will you look at that...

This 46-year old minx actually finished in the 5 spot on New Year’s, which is why I bring her up first. Given added resources such as time and the internet, Ms. Parker is likely to lose her place in the months to come, through no fault of her own. And while she’s not one of my personal tops, I have to admit a definite hottie appeal. Some might call it intangible, others might call it nice hair. I’m here to dive a little deeper.

Extensive research into her background (Wikipedia), reveals an Army brat, born in South Carolina before moving around to Texas, Tennessee, Thailand, Germany, and France. And while this childhood could of course be mirrored by the lives of innumerable douches, I always find it refreshing to encounter celebrities who, at one point or another, lived authentic, non-Hollywood lives. Entitlement is positively un-sexy. Ms. Parker worked for her career, and, provided she didn’t throw too many corpses in her path to stardom (or at least washed her hands after touching said corpses), this is generally attractive, no? I mean, Mary Tyler Moore would’ve easily made this list in her time, even though she was hotter as Dick van Dyke’s wife…

Once becoming successful, then, it is important how one carries herself both on and off the screen. Stiff upper back! Keep those books balanced, Ms. Parker. We wouldn’t want Webster’s taking a tumble now, would we? In other words, prove to the arbiters of hotness (me) that you are more than just an empty vessel. Every strip club scene is filled with bodies that seemingly struggle to make nudity interesting. Parker has shown her fair share of skin the way it’s supposed to be done, through characters who we’re interested in seeing naked. Does that mean I’m going to pass up a clip of Jessica Alba taking off her top in some Japanese horror remake? No, but the nickelodeon often leaves a better memory than the dime show.

People not relevant to this list: Models who I haven’t seen interviewed. You don’t have to be an actress, but you must have been publicized as a person at some point, not just a clothes rack with a rack. Marisa Miller? Boring in both looks and words. Heidi Klum? Always fun on Conan, even when he can’t stop making German sausage jokes. I don’t remember ever seeing Parker interviewed, so I headed to youtube for analysis.

First up was a strange, early Conan interview for some HBO biopic called Sugartime. This was before I read about Parker’s traveled past, and she almost comes off as a Jersey girl. Worrisome, but I’ll chalk it up to nerves and naivete.

The other clip I watched was with Craig Ferguson. Much improved. Parker doesn’t blow you away with her smarts or humor, but you can tell that they’re certainly there, and it underlines a very smooth, breezy, pleasant conversation. All in all, a plus for personality. I could be totally wrong, but when have I ever been wrong psychoanalyzing someone through 2 short, edited clips? And when have I ever been wrong in my use of the term "psychoanalyzing"? Probably never.

Confidence without arrogance. Interesting roles (with nudity). A full set of teeth. These are just some of the qualities capable of pushing a woman up The Hottie Count. Mary Louise Parker possesses them all, and I therefore dramatically place her back in fifth position. She may be moved, but she will forever remain the cornerstone of this movement. The future of the past decade (ending in 2009) will be built around Parker. Bra-vo!

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  1. Blogger chris | 2:45 PM |  

    I don't know this other, more perverted "Chris" is that you spent NYE with, but I am very fascinated in this new column and look forward to future entries from a purely intellectual standpoint!

  2. Blogger qualler | 2:59 PM |  

    This is one disgusting, horribly sexist, and unobjectively trashy new feature, Doktor.

    I love it!

    MLP is not my cup'o'tea. But I understand her appeal.

  3. Blogger qualler | 4:34 PM |  

    Also, a future vote for the Hottie Count - Lizzy Caplan. As Brigitte and I discovered, she's ALSO the alternative chick in Mean Girls, who originally places Lindsay Lohan in the Queen Bees club before getting mad that LL starts becoming one of them. A hottie and an incredibly gifted, versatile dramedic (is that a word? It is now.) actress. Also, her work in the series (sad face) finale of Party Down was outstanding. And, True Blood. Plus, the woman is smokin'.

    Lizzy Caplan.

    p.s. We should some coffee out of our respective coffee mugs for the late, lamented Hottie Count potential of Lindsay Lohan.

    I don't think I have hated myself as much as I do right after re-reading what I just typed. I am a monster contributing to the downfall of society.

  4. Blogger .molly. | 3:00 PM |  

    Delayed comment: to share my random, always slightly outdated thoughts, but...MLP will always have my vote for Fried Green Tomatoes [which I know is outside the 2000-2009 timeline -- I said my comments were "outdated"! Relax.]. I could write on and on about the 2000-2009 mainstream media fascination with "bromance," while you rarely [never] see the female equivalent in movies/tv. Apparently female friendships aren't seen as an equal source of humor and pathos? While Fried Green Tomatoes is not a great film [NO thank you Kathy Bates], the MLP/Mary Stuart Masterson relationship gets infinite awesome points for all of time.

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