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Hottie Count - Breasty Brackets (Pt. 2)

(Ed. Note: This is a continuation of yesterday's Guest Post by P. Arty. Scroll down to enjoy life as it was in the simpler times of part one, before all those words that trended on twitter over the last 24 hours really didn't change anything. We are still the best everything.)

Match 3:

Match 3 provides a great comparison of the generational evolution of the pop star. Past Top 40 royalty against present Top 40 glamour. This will come down to whether or not my recent “experimentation” in Top 40 has made me youthful, or if I am a still an old man at heart longing for the days of the acoustic guitar.

Frankly, even I am surprised that Rihanna made this list. I rated her higher than expected on talent, based on the fact that I am generally happy to listen to her songs on the radio (“What’s My Name,” “Only Girl,” “Don’t Stop the Music,” etc.). And, like Katy Perry, she gets a perfect 10 in pop culture relevance. But really I think what has propelled her onto the list is the fact that she is the random celebrity I picked as my “true love” in order to make my girlfriend mad one day. (Get it? It should have been my girlfriend!) Talk about the diagnosis bias at work!

You may think that Sarah McLachlan, another one of my longtime music crushes, would lose some points for relevance. However, not only is she in those sad dog commercials, she also had a really great guest spot in a recent episode of Portlandia along with Aimee Mann. Unfortunately, however, the episode, featuring out-of-work female singer/songwriters was telling of her near future. Miss McLachlan recently announced she was done with her Lillith Fair festival, presumably because of a shrinking target market. Almost as sad as those poor dogs! At least she’s still got scads of talent and a healthy hotness score!
Winner: I’m 80 years old. Sarah McLachlan, obviously.

DoktorPeace’s commentary: McLachlan's songs do make me cry. And we all knew P. Arty would pick another foreigner over a battered black American.

Match 4:

Match 4 is another generational battle, this time of multimedia stars! First up is the star of The Wizard, which probably gives her big time points with DoktorPeace because a) it’s about video games and b) she explicitly mentions her boobs. Next up is an old favorite who was in the Celebrity Apprentice and used WWF stars in her music videos! With those resumes, it’s anyone’s game!

Jenny Lewis, your older Rilo Kiley material is fantastic, but how has does your new music hold up? Alright, I can get behind this. It’s kind of catc—dear lord! What is going on with those backup vocals!? Luckily for Jenny, my girlfriend is infatuated with her, and she is probably the best shot in the world I have at a threesome. This increases her score tenfold. Jenny, if you read this, please comment below! Let’s get in touch!

To be completely honest, I just included Cyndi Lauper so I could share this video of an impromptu performance she gave to irate air travelers in Argentina. It turned out to be a surprisingly good a cappella version! Further, “Goonies R Good Enough” has been one of my three favorite 80’s songs since The Goonies came out in 1985.

Winner:
Jenny Lewis. Seriously though, please get in touch with me.

DoktorPeace’s commentary: I haven't seen The Wizard or The Goonies, and in fact never even heard of either until the mid 2000s. I have, however, both heard of and seen videos of many threesomes.

ROUND II

Match 1:

Sarah McLachlan defeated Rihanna, but can she hold up against Katy Perry? Old vs. new. Piano vs. Synth. “Building a Mystery” vs. “California Gurls.” We’ve got Katy ahead in hotness and relevance, but Sarah with a wide margin on talent. It’s too close!

Winner: Katy Perry and her skintight jeans.

DoktorPeace’s commentary: You know those beer commercials where the guy in skinny jeans orders a beer and the hot bartender mocks him? I don't understand the tone of that entire ad series. The bartenders are as bitter as the beer they're disparaging, which consequently sours my taste in them. So yeah. Katy.

Match 2:

Sara Quin blew away early favorite Lykke Li, while Jenny Lewis squeaked by Cyndi Lauper. This battle represents Canada vs. US. Multi-genres vs. multimedia. “Portion for Foxes” on Rock Band 3 vs. “The Con” on Rock Band 3.

Winner: Sara Quin and her kinda weird fire fighter parka.

DoktorPeace’s commentary: I have a gold star rating on Rock Band pro drums for both of those songs. That is all.

(Click to enlarge brackets.)

FINALS

Going into the finals, let’s review the bracket:

So Doktor, you’ve got Katy Perry vs. Sara Quin. Frankly, I think you should thank me for setting this up so you can’t possibly make a bad choice. What say you, Doktor?

I wouldn't kick either out of bed, but I'm not sure I'd invite them in the first place. Katy Perry does very little for me musically or sexually, and I'd be more concerned about upsetting her husband Russell Brand than actually getting some. Sure, he's had sex with half the kingdom, but he seems to be in a good place right now, and I don't want to mess with that. (DELETE BEFORE POST: False sincerity achieved. Readers will now leave me alone with girlfriends/wives/pets.)

Sara famously prefers the ladies, so it's likely she'd decline my invite in any case. And a strange case it is, with one side opening to the stylings of a perfect emo girl whilst the other reveals non-gendered toothbrushes and male sweater vests. I honestly don't know whether I'd rather kiss her or watch her kiss another, perhaps even Katy Perry since she once sang a song about such an event, remember? (DELETE BEFORE POST: Pop savvy achieved. Now both will want to produce a remix with me and consent to my second-base-before-collaboration policy.)

They'll both make the official Hottie Count, because I know the other editors here love Perry. However, I prefer to sniff the underpants of underdogs, which is okay to admit because that's what actual dogs do in nature and stuff... Sara wins!


Congratulations to you, Sara Quin. Thanks to the contestants, thanks to the fans, and thanks to DoktorPeace for another chance to look at pictures and videos of hot girls on the internet! Until next time, I’m Perv Hayden.

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  1. Blogger qualler | 8:56 AM |  

    These brackets are rigged! Sara Quin is clearly set up to take home the prize!

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