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Hottie Count - Christina Ricci

Those of you who've already listened to our most recent podcast are keenly aware that The Blogulator crew almost broke up last week. Our disagreements are usually of a political or economic nature -- those being easily resolved by deferring to my 8.5 x 11 Master's Degree -- but this was bigger than all that. Brigitte said Christina Ricci was ugly and had a big forehead, whereas the boys all looked beyond her outer beauty, past those gigantic breasts, and into her very soul to agree that Ricci is hot.

And this was after Brigitte spent 45 minutes stumping for strong women, by the way. Pshah! Sounds like the same hypocrisy demonstrated by the Prussian aristocracy, don't you think? At least that's what I read in some article during my post-graduate education...

Here let me demonstrate to you my smarts by supporting my Ricci position with 3 points. Then I'll finish with a conclusion and get an A plus! Unlike that Western country's environmental record, amirite?!

Like the ancient Gods, Ricci managed to persevere throughout the entire decade spanning my Hottie Count. She was always there, and almost always at perfect visibility -- not interfering with our free will, mind you, yet reminding us that Hollywood can, in fact, allow decent actresses to persist over long periods of time with minimal craziness. Do you know anything about Christina Ricci's dating history? I don't, and that's pretty amazing given the modern press machine. A cursory search reveals that she was once engaged to actor Owen Benjamin (?) and perhaps had a fling with the much older Michael Stipe when still a teen (Then again: Who didn't drink his orange crush?) (?)

According to my personal awareness spectrum, she seems to expose herself to almost the perfect degree, and that's including Black Snake Moan hahhahahahahahahot! Her biggest box office effort of the decade was probably Speed Racer, and that was an odd case in its own right. I suppose her "different" look -- as Brigitte might put it if she ever decided to be nice -- may be a factor in her more indie output, and I honestly can't say I've seen enough of her work to judge its quality; nevertheless, my initial instinct is to proclaim she done good. I always go with my instincts, of course, to which my stock portfolio would proudly announce, "Good choice, Doktor." This is another comment about how school has made me successful.

Sound like an eye disease? Brigitte would probably say the same thing, claiming that "big-eyes Christina has it" or something, in her rudest tone. Those doll-like peepers set upon Ricci's porcelain face are part of the allure, though, in whatever good/weird ways you could imagine that be true. I don't think anyone would define Ricci as classically or modernly hot, yet a level of cuteness always existed, its public development reflecting a generation's own movement through puberty... and beyond! Even though her films are of little meaning to me, I feel like I've always known her. She's the girl from that neighborhood over there, who maybe goes to your school? Maybe she doesn't? Maybe she started smoking cigarettes? Maybe she's dating that other guy you kinda know? Maybe you saw her at that Ashtray Babyhead concert? I dunno, but she definitely exists, and, for whatever reason, one night with her seems like a good idea.

That said, she'll probably make you cry afterward. The interview I chose to watch was one for Sleepy Hollow, from 1999 - outside the time boundaries of the Count, sure, but I find old talk show clips more interesting, so deal with it.
After that, I still have no idea how she'd actually act in person. She seems somewhat serious, yet disinterested at the same time(?) Not rude or pretentious exactly; however, I feel like she might call me out for that stupid canary joke I just told and tell me I'm stupid for saying it. Honest enough to hurt, yet without the intention. She wouldn't really care how stupid I was and would just go on living with the same dispassion towards me as before. I wouldn't have lost any points, at least, so in my book that's a net gain.

Bird Jokes
A few years ago, my life changed when friends Pat, Mike, and I sat down for a viewing of Ricci's Cursed. We all fell asleep out of boredom, woke up halfway through the movie, left it on, got bored again, and started telling bird jokes to entertain each other. To this day, I tell those jokes at weddings, travel the world tirelessly searching for new ones to add to the repertoire, and generally owe all of my social success to that night of poor cinema. My academic success, on the other hand, is due to my parents giving money to universities so I can say I went there and did things of which I'm proud.

Q. What organization did the racist bird join?
A. The Kuckoo Klux Klan!

This Hottie series is all about progress, as you know, and I find Ricci to be a lighthouse to which the past decade can always refer for reassurance. Is there a lighthouse in Mermaids? Cuz then that would be really appropriate, plus I made that comment about perfect visibility before, which inspires some shoreline motifs... except for the fact that I want to change my metaphor now. Lighthouses don't really represent progress at all, do they? Railroads do! Ricci is like one of those ceremonial spikes that you lay down when setting up a new station or something, for the same reason that she was a lighthouse, except forward movement and all. I can't really quantify her value, but I'm happy and relieved that she exists, and I want to kiss her in a weird way. Just like the railroad! Isn't education great? I don't know, but I do know that those 3 points I wrote about and my thesis say Christina Ricci is a lock for a high spot on the Hottie Count.

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  1. Blogger chris | 1:26 PM |  

    Buffalo '66 made 17-year-old-me fall for her HARD. Excellent Hottie Count choice, Doktor!

    Ashtray Babyhead fanz for life!

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