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Buy These Things

Your thought process: "I'm looking for the perfect gift for xxx, but what I really want to know is what I can buy for somebody who doesn't like good things."

My thought process: "I scavenge the internet a lot, so I know a lot about things that aren't very good. I wonder how I could use my expertise to spread holiday cheer."

Omniscent being's thought process: "Hey! You two! I can hear you both, and you would be perfect for each other. Get together and converse. My work here is done."

The omniscent being leaves, to be everywhere else, and the conversation begins.

Have you heard of the Nintendo Wii? Or do you prefer to play with your Vii? Ask these questions when you meet women. They will either slap you or stare at you, wondering why your eyelids lingered together when you winked (they're in love). This ignorant response is a shame, and it's something I'm here to correct by spreading the word about the awesome new game console, the Vii!
Have you ever dreamed of owning a virtual reality system where your arm motions actually control your onscreen avatar? Oh, you have... Then, have you ever imagined using this concept to imitate real life sports like bowling and tennis? Oh, you have... Okay, then what if we replace your Mii character with a bunny and change "tennis" to "Happy Tennis"? Pretty cool, eh? This is the kind of groundbreaking innovation the Vii provides, at a fraction of the cost. If you want one, meet me behind school Saturday night. Wait, wait, there's a basketball game that night. Make it Sunday. I only accept checks.

Haneru no Tobira
From the world of illegitimate gaming to the world of "probably shouldn't be legitimate" gaming, I present the actual Wii game Haneru no Tobira. I don't know what the title means, but, given the trailer, it would seem that "Fat Men in Frogsuits" or "Balding Rail Commuters" are decent guesses.

Get your Japanese import agent on the line, and remember: Don't ask them to import the Pimp My Ride game, in which you ghost ride da whip all the way through Pimp City. That game is already here, you lucky bees.

Let's Go To Prison
As a man more heroic than me once stated, this movie is basically Bob Odenkirk's incarceration interpretation of Thank You for Smoking. Whatever that means to you, here is what it means after you've seen it: Not good. Although Blogulator favorite Dax Shephard broods at Strathairn-ean levels, his character has zero redeeming qualities. It's odd that redemption would be so hard to come by in a prison movie...

The New York Times liked it. They also liked Jayson Blair. Topical!

Everybody Cosplay
This book, featuring photos of the best of the best of those who dress up like their favorite anime characters of the best, should get my recommendation. It doesn't, because it doesn't include any characters from my favorite game that should be an anime - Baby Pals. I know the game is just Tamagotchi with babies, and I know that there aren't any characters per se because you have to create your own baby (sans the sexy part). I don't care. More Baby Pals! Now now noWWWWWW!!!!!!
Don't jump, baby! I thought you liked wearing cargos!
I'm pretty sure others have already echoed this sentiment, but my patience with the phrase "Jump the Shark" has ended. I hate it. It's a nebulous saying that really doesn't apply to anything anymore. People just use it when they don't like the choices a show makes, whether the choices are gimmicky or not. TV Guide has a poll every week, asking people whether they liked a certain television happening or not. Two weeks ago the topic was Brian Williams' hosting of Saturday Night Live. Most people liked him, but 2% of people said that this jumped the shark. Umm.. okay? One week ago the guide asked about Marie Osmond's doll dance on Dancing with the Stars. Again, 2% of people said this jumped the shark. How can a shark be jumped on a show that is one big gimmick in the first place? If I could twist my head around that, maybe it would be cool. But I can't. I hate it, and the 2% of people who made me even think about it must identify themselves by wearing this lovely white golf shirt. The insignia says, "My Life Has Jumped the Shark." I hate it so much.

Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh more Baby Pals pweeeeeeeeeease!

"You'll know your baby is clean when it sparkles." - Baby Pals manual

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  1. Blogger Sean | 12:25 AM |  

    Vii for Vendetta!

    when do year-end best-of lists start?
    it's almost NYE

  2. Anonymous Anonymous | 8:05 AM |  

    Wow, you have some serious hate in your heart for the term jump the shark? I think there are more constructive things to be pissed about. Global warming, Britney Spears' parenting skills, Day Light Savings...

    If you check it out, Jump the Shark is actually still used in a variety of ways...from discussing technology, video gaming, politics, television (obviously), religious ideologies and more. So I say relax my friend. Go pick on some other phrase.

    By the way, the site jumptheshark.com is still up and running well.

  3. Blogger qualler | 9:24 AM |  

    Dear cowardly anonymous poster,

    a) The link for www.jumptheshark.com always has and always will be a staple to the Blogulator.

    b) I will have to agree with Harry that the term is too easily bandied about, similar to how we as humans too frequently use the term "genius". And don't get me started on hating Daylight Savings time -- unless you want your time during the day to be one hour full of less life, you should love and cherish Daylight Savings.

  4. Blogger P. Arty | 9:38 AM |  

    I agree with the following of Harry's sentiments:
    -Baby Pals is literally the best. Ever. EVER.
    -"Jump the shark" is bad. EVER.

    I also must agree with the anonymous poster above (let's call him/her Daphne) that daylights saving is bad. SUCK IT WALLER.

  5. Blogger chris | 10:23 AM |  

    i wish i could be as happy as the children playing that video game. i generally consider myself a happy person, but i don't think i've EVER been THAT happy. wow. that looks awesome.

    and i love that we have our first anonymous flame-war instigator in a long time here at the blogulator! to you, i say thank you sir!

    i love the "there are so many more things to get mad about" argument. comedy gold!

  6. Blogger Brigitte | 12:27 PM |  

    why would daylight savings time be bad? i love getting an extra hour of sleep one day during the year! so much so, in fact, that i'm willing to give up an hour of my day once a year just so i can then, months later, set my clock back and wake up and think "it normally would be 9am. but it's only 8am. Hooray for Fall Back! Hooray for daylight savings!" then, i do a little jig with my carebear friends and we celebrate all the things we love.

    also, why not love jump the shark? hello, it's funny! cause...who would jump over a shark! silly! (skips away and continues to dance with the carebears and the smiling star people singing "these are a few of my favorite things")

  7. Blogger DoktorPeace | 3:05 PM |  

    I actually was at jumptheshark.com a couple of weeks ago, interested in what people had to say. Although I appreciated the list of concrete scenarios that feed the shark (musical episode, live episode), I just got flustered over what people were voting for as having jumped. I don't think the term is a universal one anymore, considering the advanced stage of television. It still works perfectly with classic-styled sitcoms, but I feel like many of the faults of many modern programs can and need to be explained in better detail.

    The phrase also makes me think of the show Shark, which stars one of my least favorite people, James Woods.

    Oh, and I do hate all those other things. Including Daylight Savings Time. It's a case of typical human arrogance: Why do we have to adjust to the time? Let's make the time adjust to us! Ugh. I hate humans.

  8. Blogger Matt | 11:07 PM |  

    haneru no tobira is translated as "You knock on a jumping door" as it says on the trailer. It's a sketch comedy show in Japan, along the lines of Saturday Night Live, but with stupid games and funny costumes. It's basically all the same as the clips show in real life.

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