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what upcoming blockbuster will ruin my summer the most? (may edition)


for a long stretch of my (pre-)adolescence, i subscribed to a little magazine called "entertainment weekly." aside from the oscar odds issue, the summer movie preview issue was always what i looked forward to the most. no, i did not have many friends, that's weird of you to ask. nor did i do things that would help me obtain friends like playing sports, unless you consider writing and taking "movie quizzes" with the nerd to end all nerds until 4 in the morning on weekends a sport. but (totally not) regretting my childhood is not what i'm here to do. i'm here to tell you about WHAT AWESOME/TERRIBLE MOVIES ARE COMING OUT THIS SUMMER!!!! ah yes, choosing the over-air conditioned escapism of the movies over the fitness-inducing beautiful warm outdoors is always the better option.

spider man 3: obviously this movie opening tomorrow tells us that the onslaught of "summer blockbusters" has officially begun. i'm already yawning. word on the street is that it's too complicated and there are too many villains. really? cuz that definitely hasn't happened in the comic book movie genre before. next thing i'll be hearing is that tobey maguire acts like a sedated dope throughout the whole movie and kirsten dunst screams and falls off buildings incessantly!!! will i see it?: 88% chance. projected grade: D.

28 weeks later: since march, the percentage of movie trailers before a feature film that advertise sequels has seemingly risen exponentially. and 28 days later is one of my favorite movies, but it seemed like the movie that needed a sequel the least. i'm in the small minority that liked the theatrical ending better than the director's original ending (of the people that care enough about the movie to have seen the director's original ending on the dvd), but i almost wish the original, more bleak ending was used just so that there was less of a chance for this sequel to be made. although the idea of england being a quarantined infected island is the best societal microcosm since lord of the flies...still doesn't mean the sequel will be worth my time. will i see it?: 100% chance. projected grade: D+.

bug: it hurt my brain/heart/body too much to type "shrek the third" or "pirates of the where-a-be-an-exit? 3" in the bold hyperlinked text. i can't imagine even trying to make fun of two movies i hopefully will be able to avoid, regardless of how much i may have chortled at shrek 2. i still shudder when i think of computer animated fairy tale characters dancing to smashmouth. so i am instead going to talk about how i am psyched about bug. i sound like one of those movie bloggers that loves horror movies too much, but i am really excited to see william friedkin back in the horror game...oh i'm going to stop, i sound like i've never touched a girl. i'm still seeing bug. will i see it?: 0% chance if at the movies with jerksica, 97% chance if at the movies with qualler or pfeiffer. projected grade: B (i don't wanna jinx it that much!).

stay tuned for june, july, and august editions of "what summer blockbuster will ruin my summer the most?"!!!!

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