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just because you CAN watch it doesn't mean you SHOULD.

nerdflix is a close friend of mine. it's always there for me when i have a couple hours to kill, when i want to procrastinate grading/lesson planning, when i want something to fall asleep to numerous times and never finish, or when i just want to make myself/jerksica explode with cinematic rage. that last one is the kicker. with the addition of the "watch now" service where lots of crappy movies are available to view online with no additional charge to my account, i don't really remember anymore what a "good" movie is. get in your time machine and take a trip with the C&QPCB to...

1990: backtrack (a.k.a. catchfire)
starring: jodie foster, dennis hopper, joe pesci, vincent price (?!), AND BOB DYLAN???!?!

anyone who knows me knows why i watched this garbage. look at the cast list. dennis hopper is a hitman for the mob (headed by an uncredited pesci in the exact same role as goodfellas) who falls in love with jodie, who witnessed a mob hit and is supposed to be whacked by hopper. even though he rapes her, kidnaps her, and pretty much makes her his slave, she falls for him. oh did i mention hopper directed this? what a creep! vincent price shows up at the end as the "real" mob leader i guess and just says "blow it up" very eerily and the most hilarious sequence of events follows where an entire building blows up for no reason as hopper and jodie escape VERY SLOWLY through a drain pipe wearing radioactive gear for some reason. then hopper does a killer sax solo (playing a baritone, but sounding like an alto?) on a boat they somehow get aboard as they sail off into the sunset. hopper's original cut of the movie was THREE HOURS and he took his name off the project and put the infamous "alan smithee" name on it when it was released in europe and on tv in 91. then he came back and put it on dvd and renamed it, but still kept it only 1.5 hours. thank GOD. oh and dylan plays a pretentious sculptor. surprise surprise.

1981: heartbeeps
starring: andy kaufman, bernadette peters, randy quaid, AND CHRISTOPHER GUEST?!?!?

i fell asleep during the majority of this one, but i'll do my best. it's about robots who fall in love and have wacky misadventures while "the company" tries to get them back. andy kaufman just does a variation on his taxi character and is obviously crazy and not paying attention to acting, but just acting weird and off-putting. jerksica loves bernadette peters (theatre geek alert! note the spelling of "theatre") and is amused by robots (whereas i would like to smash them all) so there's some back story about how this happened. all i really remember before the nap happened is this really wise-ass robot that's programmed to make rodney dangerfield-esque one-liners like...like...oh man i'm starting to get sleepy.

1988: dead ringers
starring: jeremy irons, jeremy irons, and jeremy irons (oh wait scratch that last one)

directed by david cronenberg and i remember my brother said this movie was creepy and effed up, so i figured this one would not fail me. it is not creepy and effed up in an interesting, pushing the envelope kinda way. it's just creepy in a uncomfortably creepy alternating with uninteresting and bland kinda way. jeremy irons plays snobby world-renowned twin gynecologists who sleep with all their patients (you read that correctly). they like to trick their patients into thinking there's only one of them so that if they don't like how one is in the sack, they can pass the chick on to the other twin. basically they act as the same person, creating a strong connection between them but never connecting honestly with anyone else. so when one falls in love and the other doesn't, they start going crazy and doing weird things including trying to operate on women's genitals with really funky sharp things that shouldn't go down there. imagine all this plus the boring yet reputable jeremy irons sloshing around a glass of (insert expensive alcoholic drink here) and talking mildly in his geeves-the-butler-type demeanor TO HIS IDENTICAL TWIN. ABOUT FEMALE GENITALS. i guess i shouldn't expect anything less from cronenberg.

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  1. Blogger DoktorPeace | 10:27 PM |  

    Those all sound incredible. I have renewed hope for my robot gynecologist screenplay/invention.

  2. Blogger Katherine | 10:34 AM |  


  3. Blogger Andrew Chaney | 9:11 PM |  

    You should watch that Garbage Pail Kids movie. Oh lord, what a laugh/snooze-fest!

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