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omg movies come out tomorrow jsyk!

i don't care enough to check my facts, but i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that SIX major motion pictures opening in one weekend in MARCH is, statistically speaking, "too many."

nevertheless, i could find myself seeing upwards of 5 out of the 6 movies coming out tomorrow at some point in the near future. for each "film," i will give you a percentage chance that i'll actually see it sometime in my lifetime and projected grade (example given here by davey) if i do take that turn of fate and plop myself down in block e for 6 bucks to waste 2 hours of my life. oh and ALL of these movies would no DOUBT waste 2 hours of my life.

tmnt: i was excited about this return to the big screen on two separate occasions - when i was a junior in high school and i was just starting to understand "kitsch," and when i was a freshman in college, when i wore a ninja turtles t-shirt to my first day of classes because it was "ironic." wow that was more embarrassing than i initially thought it would be. anyway, i don't care about this (that much). will i see it?: 43% chance. projected grade: D.

shooter: qualler pointed out very aptly that whenever mark wahlberg is the lead actor in a movie, it's going to be a b-action movie bum rush job and whenever he is a supporting actor, it's going to be golden. weird, huh? will i see it?: 31% chance. projected grade: D-.

the hills have eyes 2: every time i see a trailer for this, i have a compulsion to tell whoever i'm with that the first one was "actually pretty good," even though i kinda wanna stab myself in the ribcage when i think/say crap like that. it wasn't actually pretty good, it just wished it was a peckinpah horror movie and i thought that was better than the boatloads of stuff like the grudge, pulse, etc. it's actually really disturbing and almost made me want to throw up. don't see it. will i see it?: 59% chance. projected grade: D+.

pride: why are all sports movies now ripping off the gritty aesthetic of friday night lights? i love friday night lights, but do people not understand that in order to look and feel like this, the actual content needs to be downbeat as well? anyway, i can't wait until there's even less sports to choose from for inspirational based-on-true-stories - croquet, badminton, oh wait...those would probably be will ferrell movies. will i see it?: 18% chance. projected grade: F.

the last mimzy: i get weirded out every time the commercial comes on and whoever (mustache guy from good morning america, richard corliss, whatevs) calls it a "honey of a movie." what does that mean???? it's saccharine and made by a team of mindless insects? ohhh disss!! but seriously i guarantee if and when i see this, i will be on the edge of my seat with my eyes wide open cheering for "the little fat kid," as brigitte so aptly puts it. will i see it?: 95% chance. projected grade: B+.

reign over me: adam sandler is one of those emos as he rides a scooter with his dumb haircut, trendily damaged messenger bag, and oversized headphones (no he doesn't play me, you silly!) around the big apple. suddenly his college roommate is all "whoa man" and sandler's all "whiny whine solemn" and the roommate's all "you're emotionally detached" and sandler's all "wanna have a bromance?" and i'm all "wah wah this is so touching!" (hides tears). will i see it?: 108% chance. projected grade: C-.

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  1. Blogger Patrick | 10:08 PM |  

    Love the format, love the post! I know it's not "cool" to reuse your ideas, but I highly encourage making this a semi-regular thing.

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