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i really don't want to blog about the oscars.

it's already been 3 days since i've been able to sit at a computer for more than 5 minutes and everyone's seemingly said what's needed to be said about the 79th academy awards: ellen was bland yet tolerable, the departed won (finally a good best picture), and a snarky old white man "stole" a golden statue from a miffed former snl comic (insert inane norbit joke). big deal. i watch and read about the oscars obsessively every year because i have some kind of chemical imbalance, but it's boring to everyone else and still even kinda boring to me. so here a couple things that did NOT happen at this year's oscars:

ellanne: the truth "comes out"

ellen revealed that anne heche is actually just her other "born straight again" personality and they've been the same person all along, using her disorder to earn the money of two separate hollywood stars. then anne heche somehow showed up, took out a gun and pointed it at ellen, in a rage that ellen let their secret out. obviously upset that someone was playing with elaborate lucasfilm special effects without permission, george lucas stood up from the crowd, pulled out a gun and yelled, "anne, don't!" and anne looked away from ellen when she heard george's voice. ellen then pulled out a gun and pointed it at anne. the crowd gasped. suddenly a curtain raised up to reveal a series of funhouse mirrors making it look like there were anne heche/ellens everywhere. george didn't know WHERE to shoot! then jerry seinfeld said, "what's the deal with funhouse mirrors? there's nothing fun about 'em! they're just confusing and make you look fat. that's not fun!" everyone laughed and shot each other.

weekend at clintie's and petey's

on the red carpet, clint eastwood and peter o'toole brushed against each other and their brittle bones turned to dust almost instantaneously from the impact. knowing that the oscars would be nothing without eastwood or o'toole, jonathan silverman and andrew mccarthy (who were not invited to the ceremony, but showed up anyway) picked up their limp rubber-chicken-esque bodies and carried them both into the show. ryan seacrest and the editor of vogue gave suspicious looks, but thankfully the 80s stars' charming smiles and hand gestures showing that eastwood and o'toole had merely had a "little too much wild turkey" erased any lingering doubts about their possible deadness. seacrest even said, "oh eastwood you old dog you," and gave the corpse a pat on the back. dust purged out of clintie's dead esophagus as a result of this blow and seacrest did a double take. mccarthy was on top of his game, however, and covered by saying, "that's not CIGARETTE smoke he's been holdin' in if you know what i mean! what a party hound, am i right?" silverman looked awkward and almost ruined it when he started flirting with jessica biel and o'toole's below-the-belt rigor mortis started kicking in, but eventually they made it to their seats and just had to worry about learning italian and finding the make-up artist from pan's labyrinth to dress mccarthy up as eastwood when he translated ennio morricone's acceptance speech.

all in all, the oscars were a slambang success...IN MY IMAGINATION.

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