Stars: They're Nothing Like Us (How Celebs Can Help Us Understand the News)

As the resident celebrity blogger here at The Blogulator, I've been pretty silent on the whole Tiger Woods scandal thus far. I know, I know, I've been neglecting you blogureaders since Thanksgiving! All the world is a-twitter about Tiger's love life even months after the scandal broke, and I've just never really been that interested in cheating stories. Call me jaded or whatever, but I just assume that all celebrities cheat so when a story like this breaks, I just think, "duh!" However, this week I got to thinking that maybe there is a way that Tiger's situation could help those of us who rarely watch the nightly news, but follow celebrity gossip like it's our religion. And that made me take a closer look at one of the top news stories over the past couple of weeks - the Gulf of Mexico oil spill There are a lot of similarities between the catastrophe in the Gulf and the catastrophe in Tiger Woods' bedroom. Here's how I see it:

It Starts With an Addiction:

Catastrophes of this nature, usually start with some kind of addiction or overzealous quest. Whereas, it is no secret that world is addicted to oil as its main source of fuel, we never would have guessed that our beloved good-boy golf hero would go so off track. Like so many celebrities, Tiger Woods claims he is addicted to sex and even checked into a sex rehab clinic for a while after the scandal broke. Sex addiction certainly has its share of critics. While many doctors to the stars claim that sex addicts are people with very serious illnesses that can be miraculously treated with a two-week spa vacation...I mean, clinic stay, others say that the term addiction is a cop out for taking responsibility after sleeping around. Try to guess which side Lady Amy falls on!

Which Leads to an Explosive Accident:

The thing about addiction is that it always boils over, causing a lot of disaster in its wake. In the Gulf, BP's oil rig literally exploded after a fail-safe mechanism, (ironically called the "blowout preventer"), failed. At first, the Coast Guard thought that no oil was leaking but later discovered that actually there is about the equivalent of 5000 barrels of oil leaking per day. Like the oil spill situation, Tiger's addiction eventually boiled over and caused him to crash his car (possibly because his wife may or may not have been chasing him with a golf club). Also like the oil spill, it first seemed as if the accident was all there was to the story. Then a massive amount of women -- roughly the equivalent of 5000 barrels of oil per day -- spilled their guts to the press about their long-time affairs with the golf pro. In both situations, once the spill leaked it just kept coming at an unstoppable pace. BP lost major points in the stock market; Tiger lost major sponsorships.

And Then Comes the Cover-up:

BP responded to the explosive accident and subsequent oil leak by literally trying to cover it up. Here is the giant box that was supposed to go over the leak and catch it like a wild rabbit or something:
Needless to say, this plan did not work like it was supposed to. On the Tiger side of things, the cover-up wasn't so literal as all that. Tiger's version of covering up the scandal was to simply ignore it and refuse to comment on the cause of the accident or work with authorities to explain what happened. That also did not turn out so well.

But Cover-ups Never Work and Problems Continue to Grow:

Oh, boy did the ignoring method ever not work for Tiger. Not only did it come out that he was having an affair, but the number of mistresses just kept rising and rising. It was like every day a new woman came out about her relationship with him. From publishing sexting (like texts but sexy) conversations to admitting to year-long affairs, Tiger's problems kept growing.

For BP, the problems also kept growing. With the magic box unable to contain the leak, the oil slick in the Gulf continues to multiply like Tiger's sexual prowess.

Finally, When Nothing Else Works, We Get a Public Apology:

There is only one thing to do when your problems are growing exponentially and you can't seem to put on the breaks -- play the blame game. And you can't just blame someone else for your problems; you have to find a way of apologizing without accepting the blame. For BP execs in a Senate hearing, they accepted the burden of cleaning up the spill but shifted responsibility to the other companies working on the rig. Those companies did the same right back to BP. In Tiger Woods' case, he also went public to explain himself. He apologized for hurting his family but blamed his sex addiction for his actions and shifting focus to the good stuff he does or will do. Also, drawing attention to the evils of the paparazzi. That'll do the trick. Now we love Tiger again and the public will let him play golf -- even though they will passive-aggressively revel in his poor performance.

So I hope that clears some things up for you, blogureaders. The catastrophe in the Gulf of Mexico is not so incomprehensible. Just like Tiger Woods' scandal: something catastrophic happened, nothing is working to contain it, and now we are at the point of public (un)apologies so we can move on. Seriously, though, I hope they get that oil cleaned up...cuz that might actually affect people more than the delicious salaciousness of a sex scandal.

This entry was posted by Lady Amy, on Wednesday, May 12, 2010. You can leave your response.