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A Blogulator Special Report: The Dark Tower To Get The Ron Howard-Brian Grazer Treatment. Please, God, No.

Recent news that the rights to The Dark Tower series is set to be optioned to the producing team of Ron Howard and Brian Grazer should soon be setting the interweb nerd alerts by storm. Fans of the seven-part "sci-fi Western"(*) series penned by geek novelist extraordinaire Stephen King have been awaiting the inevitable movie and/or television series for years and have been casting the roles of Roland Deschain, Eddie Dean, Susannah/Odetta/Detta Walker, Jake, and the Man in Black/Randall Flagg for years. (Personally, my Roland was always Val Kilmer, but I think he's too old and irrelevent these days.)

(*)Calling The Dark Tower a "sci-fi Western" is like calling Lost a mixture of Survivor and Jurassic Park. It's dumb.

So, on one hand, nerds like me are really excited. On the other hand...RON HOWARD AND BRIAN GRAZER?! You mean, the guys who made The Da Vinci Code movies even more boring and pointless than the books? And don't get Lady Amy started on Brian Grazer! Not to mention, Akiva Goldsman is lined up to pen the screenplays to the movie adaptations, the mind behind such film classics like Batman Forever, I Am Legend, and Lost in Space. I can only imagine the scene penned by Goldsman where Jake falls into a hole and Roland yells, "Aw, hell naw!"

But one thing I don't want to do is dwell on the negative, at least too much. To help me come to grips with the fact that Damon Lindelof and Carleton Cuse will no longer be attached to any potential adaptation to my favorite book series of all time, here is my list of reasons why the potential Howard/Grazer/Goldsman adaptation of The Dark Tower might, possibly, not be the absolute worst thing that could ever happen.

1) It's an interesting idea to do a movie trilogy, followed by a TV series.
Really! That's kinda cool! I'm wondering whether the movie trilogy will just be the first three books, or if they'll cover all seven books somehow. Until I know the full story, I'm intrigued by the possibilities! I like movies! I like TV! And, I'm a Stephen King nerd! It's intresting!

2) C'mon! Any TV/movie adaptation of this is gonna be interesting!
Yeah! Just the general enthusiasm around what things will be covered in the screen version is gonna be intriguing. Will there be crossovers from other books by King in the screen version of Tower? Any winks to the viewer to other novels? Or, even nods to the nods that Lost gives to The Dark Tower every once in a while? It's a whole new world of pop culture nerdity.

3) Maybe Goldsman is actually a really big fan and has been saving his best material for this!
So, the main characteristic that comes through all of Goldsman's film work has been to take fairly complex source material and paint it in big, broad, dumb strokes. But, the news that Goldsman was the creative spark who brought this to Howard and Grazer's attention perhaps reflects the possibility that this is his big chance to show we nerds that he's not actually a complete hack. Man, getting enthusiastic about this is getting harder and harder to do...

4) It'll probably still be better than The Langoliers, or The Shining miniseries.
Let's face it, most Stephen King adaptations are giant piles of crap. Specifically, most Stephen King adaptations adapted by Stephen King himself are giant piles of crap. Sometimes, they're inadvertently hilarious piles of crap, like the Bronson Pinchot-starring Langoliers, whereas sometimes they're pointless wankoffs like King's wholly-unnecessary miniseries version of The Shining, featuring Stephen Weber. So, The Dark Tower adaptation is already ahead of those two adaptations for two big reasons: they'll have bigger budgets, and Stephen King's artistic direction won't be asked for too much.

5) Aw, hell, no movie adaptation is ever actually as good as the book. You'll always have the books, Qualler. You'll always have the books.
Seriously, folks. Name one movie and/or TV series that actually improves on the book. The Shining? Nope, the book had its own wonderful charm that matches the Kubrick version. Maybe the TV series of Gossip Girl or True Blood improve on their books, but I haven't read the books before. So, no matter what expectations I heap upon The Dark Tower, the books will always rule. Imagination, 1, Giant Entertainment Conglomerates, 0.

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  1. Blogger chris | 2:28 PM |  

    From Facebook:

    "Great post, I totally agree and if I would have been told it was a si-fi western I would have never read the series." -Jessie C.

  2. Blogger Lady Amy | 3:17 PM |  

    If I have to hear Brian Grazer's name one more time I just might shoot someone -- hopefully that someone will be Brian Grazer. If I'm really lucky it will hit Brian Grazer, ricochet and then hit Ron Howard. If I'm not lucky, it will hit Miley Cyrus on the set of her new Graz-tastic flick. It's not her fault she sounds like a 70-year-old smoker from the country. Plus, I love Hannah Montana reruns on the Disney Chanel...er, I mean, my baby cousin likes Hannah Montana...not me. Ha. ha. heh.

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