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Stars: They're Nothing Like Us (A Chemistry Lesson)

If you haven't seen Breaking Bad yet, then you must immediately return whatever you've got 'Flixed at the moment and load your queue with nothing but this show until you finish it. Alternatively, you could find yourself a friend with cable and a DVR (like I did) and monopolize their house once or twice a week. **Warning: trust me, you will have nightmares if you try to watch a whole season all in one weekend** So as you might have guessed, I have been falling deeply, truly, madly in love with this show. The premise is simple: Chemistry is Everywhere! Walt White, a high school chemistry teacher is diagnosed with terminal cancer and becomes a meth dealer to make money for his family. But more important than that, Mr. White teaches his partner in crime all about using chemistry to get them out of jams. So in the spirit of my new favorite TV show, I'd like to apply some of my new found chemistry knowledge to some pickles that my favorite celebrities have found themselves in. It's a new feature, called...

Chemistry Solutions to Celebrity Problems:

Problem: Snooki Just Can't Avoid Those Bar Fights
Solution: Personal Stun Gun

After a controversial punch to the face during last season's Jersey Shore that producers dangled in front of our faces like a carrot on promos but refused to show in the episode, self-defined "guidette" Snooki is in trouble again. While at a Miami bar, Snooki reacted to a come-on by a random guy by throwing a drink at him and starting a physical fight. Rumor has it the whole thing was a stunt, but just in case it isn't I've come up with this great chemistry-related solution to all that unwanted attention. A homemade battery-operated taser would get rid of those problem flirters in a jiff. This way, instead of starting an all-out fight where someone could get thrown out of the bar or have their outfit ruined, you just give the guy a little love shock and he's on his way with the clear message that you are not interested. So, you might ask, how could little Snooki possible whip up such a contraption on the fly? Simple chemistry, silly! She can use the excess sweat from the "guidos" in the dance club as an electrolyte solution and her "poof" can act as a sponge to soak up the guidolectrons. Using The Situation's gold chains (as long as they are galvanized -- a new word we all learned tonight!) on one side of the poof and copper from the circuit board of her cell phone on the other, she could create the electrical current. Slap some wires on there and viola! Homemade shocking device. I bet everyone will be...stunned.

Problem: Jesse James' Sex Addition to Scary, Tattooed Models Solution: Oh, chemistry already solved that problem...if you know what I mean. Wait. Actually, chemistry made that problem worse. Nevermind.

Problem: Lindsay Lohan Can't Afford the Lifestyle She's Become Accustomed ToSolution: Make crystal meth....ah, I mean, crystals. Regular Crystals!

Why is this a solution? Well, every celeb wants to be seen in diamonds and pearls. Since Lindsay's long, hard fall off the wagon, (and especially since the added sucker punch of getting her home burglarized), I can't imagine she's got a whole lot of extra dough lying around for what are considered luxuries to we common folk but absolute necessities to the stars. If you want to be fabulous, you must dress to the nines! Which is why, I believe, she's landed her self in a bit of trouble over a Rolex watch recently -- and it's not the first time Lindsay has been accused of stealing either. Lindsay, Lindsay, Lindsay. Tisk, tisk. I'm going to put aside my suspicions that the kleptomania has very little to do with money troubles and a lot to do with personality troubles for the moment and make a very simple suggestion. Fake it. You don't need gold when you've got gold-plated. You don't need pearls when you've got painted beads. And you certainly don't need diamonds when you've got beautiful crystals you can make at home! With just some water, salt and a string dangling into the solution, Lindsay could make her very own crystal necklace in a week. Try some sugar instead of the salt and she'll have some lovely rock candy, which would also be good for her to put a little meat on those bones.

Problem: Icelandic Volcano is Ruining Everything
Solution: Well, we can't solve that one with chemistry - that we know of.

But we can make a model of the volcano using some a simple mixture of baking soda and vinegar at home. Then, we will give said model to CNN so their hologramed reporters can use it to explain how volcanic ash affects airline travel to Europe, all while scrapbooking moms nation-wide create "fun" boarders and graphics for the supplementary visuals.
So as you can see, Mr. White is correct. You should have been paying much more attention in high school chemistry class when he was trying to show you how to kill drug dealers with chemicals from beans or dissolved their bodies in plastic tubs (never use your own bathtub!) or make your own Sudafed from stolen chemical factory materials. Chemistry is all around us. If these simple science projects can help out a celeb in need, what can they do for you?!

  1. Blogger Papa Thor | 7:03 AM |  

    Chemistry you say? I wasted my time studying physics!

  2. Blogger blessingsgoddess | 10:00 AM |  

    I might have a look at Breaking Bad !

  3. Blogger Lady Amy | 1:10 PM |  

    Definitely worth a look -- it's educational in its own way AND entertaining...and disturbing.

  4. Blogger qualler | 1:50 PM |  

    You're totally right! Chemistry IS everywhere!

    The conclusion to the final ep we watched last night, "4 Days Out", where Walt punched a paper towel dispenser to a pulp, looked at his own distorted reflection, and walked away, is HAUNTING THE EFF OUT OF ME today. This show is spectacularly great.

  5. Anonymous Anonymous | 9:35 AM |  

    Watch this preview of NBC's Persons Unknown


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