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I'm so disappointed. So very, very disappointed.

((Gag reel alert! Listen to Jigsaw's hilarious misreadings of this opening line:))

It's under a week until my new movie comes out. That's less than seven days, translating time units. And nobody here at the Blogulator has mentioned me? Not even one person (translating zero values into positives)? Siiiiigh. I suppose it must be time, then - time to play a game. (applause, woots)

You all like blogs so much. You must, otherwise you wouldn't be here. You're living your lives through the opinions of others, failing to use the one trait which separates us humans from the animals - reason. You have until Friday night to watch a movie and form an original opinion on it. The movie must never have been seen by anybody; otherwise there is no telling what thoughts have already sept into your so-called brains. This means you'll probably have to see a movie that opens this weekend. Dan in Real Life? Doesn't count - there have been too many commercials and promo clips out there. Slipstream? Everybody knows I'm a Hopkins fan, and this is completely his movie - writing, directing, acting... I've already said too much, your porous mind sucking in my (on-target) glorification. You are left with but one option it seems, and I guarantee you this option is completely acceptable under my ultimatum. We will not be screening my fourth biopic for critics, and people will be too awed by the complete originality of it all to comment during the screenings, even in the most crowdiest of theaters. In other words: See Saw IV. Don't die.

I have three more games to play, not involving you, which you may choose to observe. Choose correctly.

To Greg Grunberg: The Jigsaw Killer almost always has dates at night - every nights - but last Friday I was comfortably living out my last days whilst watching Leno. Greg Grunberg from some NBC show was talking about how he was on Leno 10 years ago doing a sketch in which he was a sports fan with a painted chest. I cough-giggled at his anecdote, sure; who wouldn't? However, I then flipped over to a TBS showing of Austin Powers: Goldmember, and guess who was in a scene as a sports fan with a painted chest? GREGORY GRUNBERG. Unacceptable. I do not wish to see this man shirtless twice on two channels in the span of two hours. I do, however, wish to play a game:

Greg, you seem to propogate shirtlessless, wasting your life by refusing man's simple, rational invention of garments. If you truly wish to spread this message, then persuade me with a topless picture of Marilyn Monroe, from the same era you had your shirt off, so from 10 years ago. You may go about this as you like. In other words, I do not care if you exhume Monroe's body now and then go back in time to photograph her skeleton, or if you exhume her skeleton upon arriving back in time. Just do it, and do it by... yesterday. You have a time machine, so that's plenty of time. If you fail, then the chemical I've sprayed on all your clothing will chafe your nipples so badly that you will never be able to go back to shirt-wearing.

To Dexter: I watch this show more or less to fill time during my chemo. It's also simply good business to keep an eye on the competition. Still, I never come away satisfied, as the fiction the show tries to create in real world Miami never manages to suspend my disbelief. How is it that Dexter - who by no means is proffered as a tech expert - never manages to set off a security alarm? In this week's episode he climbs, unmasked, into police grounds, vandalizes a building that viewers should assume is being monitored by both the police department and the FBI, and escapes without being seen. Really? Additionally, the attempted disconnection of Dexter from normal humans never satisfies. Here is a line, again from this week's episode: "It's times like these when I'm glad I don't have feelings." Huh. I always thought gladness was synonymous with happiness, and that both are feelings. Perhaps I'm reading too far into Dexter's choice of words, but his actions throughout the series have also revealed doubt, desire, pleasure, even fear. We're meant to be viewing a man's (or a monster's...yawn) continual self-awakening, yet his unbelievable naivete in his existent feelings threatens to leave me self-asleepening.

Dexter, do you know who is naive? Elementary schoolers. Do you know how I can demonstrate this fact metaphorically? Dioramas. Schoolkids attempt to portray complex ideas via simple shoebox scenes. That's what I want you to do. Since your show seems to believe constant cityscapes of Miami provide some kind of context to your story, please make a diorama of this cityscape using only your specialty - blood. Congeal it or freeze it or whatever it to make it stick, but I want to understand the complexity of Dexter via your art. If you fail, I'll forget the name of the quick-killing disease I've laced your art supplies with. Oh yes, there will be blood. I'm Jigsaw, and I actually am mean like that, for real, understandable reasons with which the audience can connect (cancer).

To my producers: The fact that everybody should see Saw IV remains. Nevertheless, I am not happy.

Whoever decided "It's a Trap" should be the film tagline must tell me in five seconds or less what alien species Return of the Jedi's Admiral Ackbar is..... Too late. You're dead, drowning in a vat of alphabet "don't plagiarize" stew.
(Editor's video warning: Infinite, gory spoilers)

Whoever decided the early trailers for Saw IV (in theaters Friday) should say "If it's Halloween, it must be Saw" needs to give me a list of exactly how many other things it might "must be" if it's Halloween. What's that? The list is too long? Exactly. Now you will die, repeatedly watching something else that is far too long - City of Angels.

Whoever decided that I AM DEAD, please notice: bloggety bloggety blog. This is my life story you're producing, not some kind of anti-fan fiction. I could torture you in so many ways, and I will. For now, though, I'm actually kind of tired. Call me back later. I'm off to eat some crackers and snacks.

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  1. Blogger qualler | 10:08 AM |  


  2. Blogger P. Arty | 12:21 PM |  

    Oh my God.

    Gag reel.

    Greatest thing ever?

    I'm 99% sure yes.

  3. Blogger chris | 2:25 PM |  

    this was the best surprise of the milennium. and hey jigsaw, you didn't have to kill harry to get on the blogulator, you know. you could have just e-mailed me or qualler. we totally would have sent you a blog invite.

    p.s. i'm glad you haven't followed up on the parting words entry from your previous blogging affair: http://jigsawblog.blogspot.com/

    cuz otherwise i'd be dead as H!

  4. Blogger Dave | 3:44 PM |  


    Are you eating an apple?!?!?!

    I haven't even gotten past the gag reel. I can't imagine what's to come...

  5. Blogger Michael | 6:26 AM |  

    Great job!

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