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what upcoming blockbuster will ruin my summer the most? (june edition)

a new month, a new onslaught of crappy movies i will attempt to avoid (and fail). first though, a recap of may--

spider-man 3: just because it's entry number 3 in the series doesn't mean there needs to be 3 complicated plots intertwined throughout the movie for the sole reason of bringing them together at the end for an overexcited orgasm of a climactic ending. and emo spider-man with eyeliner and conor oberst hair in the face = evil spider-man that is self absorbed and drunk on notoriety? that's my people they're stereotyping! predicted grade: D. actual grade: D.

28 weeks later: one might say it's a testosterone juggernaut of a gore movie that does not deserve to be the follow-up to the elegant understated masterpiece that is 28 days later. i might say those people are naive purists that can't find the beauty in something so breathtakingly visceral that it's dissimilarity to its predecessor is actually its greatest strength. incurable deadly contagion begets isolation in the beginning, incurable deadly contagion begets the deconstruction of civilization/the hero complex in the follow up. flawless. predicted grade: D+. actual grade: A+.

and i never saw bug. oh well, maybe on nerdflix. let's try this nonsense again this month (click the link for hot trailer action)--

knocked up: how it is being acclaimed as the best mainstream movie so far this year i have no idea. i mean, i want to see it -- freaks and geeks is one of the best tv shows of all time and its creators competently and impressively made steve carell into an international star with the 40-year-old virgin. but still, that movie wasn't pure gold, and this just looks like a rehash of similar crude, slacker, slightly-obscure pop culture reference-laced humor with a less outrageous set-up. it's just not the kind of movie i expect to be blown away by. but i guess i was wrong about 28 weeks later too? will i see it?: 94% chance. predicted grade: B.

ocean's thirteen: i never saw ocean's twelve and the only reason i saw ocean's eleven was because i was really sick and bored one day and found it in my roommate's movie collection in college. while there's worse people to be helming summer blockbusters than steven soderbergh, and a score by indie-funkster shawn lee is mildly exciting, i think the only reason i'll be seeing this movie is if i get really sick and lonely one day and find it on nerdflix online. will i see it?: 7% chance. predicted grade: D+.

fantastic four: rise of the silver surfer: once again, never saw the first one. and anyone who has had a sleepover with me since the 4th grade knows from my raggedy marvel pillowcase how much i adore the silver surfer. so take a look at this preview full of c-list actors, television-style cinematography, and hokey sunny dialogue that recalls comic book movie misfires such as hulk and daredevil and you've got one depressed blogulator contributor. at least the silver surfer is the antagonist of all the dumb main characters, as if to say, "i want to be in a better movie, you half-assed sorry excuses for filmic adaptations of comic book heroes!" will i see it?: 21% chance. predicted grade: D-.

evan almighty: what's with really crappy sequels trying to reel in an audience with good taste by doing something ridiculous like casting the silver surfer or steve carell? it's frustrating, and i'm sick of it, and it's the ONLY reason i'll ever end up seeing anything that could have had been called noah ventura 2: morgan freeman omnisciently narrates. will i see it?: 13% chance. predicted grade: D.

live free or die hard: now here's a sequel i've been waiting for! or is it just that this looks so much better than any of the aforementioned sequels because it's actually been a while since the last die hard movie came out? probably a little bit of both. i love the die hard movies, specifically die hard and die hard with a vengeance. i don't really remember caring about the airport one. but anyway, my teenage fascination with the action movie genre eventually paid off and brought me to appreciate and love hot fuzz. will it bring me to love an entry in a series that probably should have ended with the third installment? who cares, at least i will be more giddy about this than anything mentioned above!!! will i see it?: 98% chance. predicted grade: D+.

and the rest of june...i will avoid hostel part II like the plague because i'm done with making my humanity rot as i endure gross horror movies with no substance...i will definitely see 1408 because stephen king + john cusack + haunted hotel room is just too 1993 to miss out on...and there's no real reason not to see sicko other than the fact that michael moore controversy makes me fall asleep and remember how apathetic i get when people try to start pointless conversations about whether or not michael moore movies are real documentaries.

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  1. Anonymous molly | 10:24 AM |  

    melty face + disturbing imagery + middle-aged man hawaiian shirts = best thing cusack's been in since grosse point blank?
    chance I'LL see 1408: 100%.

  2. Blogger P. Arty | 1:05 PM |  

    Complicated plot lines? Did we see the same Spider-Man 3?

  3. Blogger chris | 6:34 PM |  

    you're right, i should have written "underdeveloped," - "complicated" gives it too much credit.

  4. Blogger P. Arty | 9:56 AM |  

    That's better.

    You're still wrong about 28WL. Expected Grade: D+; Actual Grade: F.

  5. Blogger Wipert | 10:00 PM |  

    Have any of you recently rewatched 28 days later... its beyond brilliant. Easily top 15 of all time. 28 Weeks Later was...

  6. Blogger Paal | 10:33 AM |  

    I was predicting A for Knocked Up... I'm going to say it falls somewhere between A- and B+. It was very good, but it left me wanting when it couldn't decide if it was either romantic or raunchy.

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