Special Guest Post: The Jigsaw Killer Live-Blogs Paranormal Activity 2

It's me, sinners. If you don't know who I am, please go make one of those rosaries that replaces each of the beads with a picture of Time's 10 most influential people of the century and then lash yourself with it, so that you can learn my face as it continues to fly towards the blistering, tear-filled gouges that have replaced your once naive smile.

By the way, I'm in a pretty good mood this year.

You might be surprised to hear that seeing as how this marks the first time in 7 years that one of my journals hasn't been transcribed into a theatrical release; however, it's not my fault that the film industry completely shut down. That is what happened, isn't it? Tragic news in an already harsh economy that I've punished further by surrounding in bear traps, but not completely unexpected. When a pinnacle like Saw 3D is reached, there is little choice left besides the complete abandonment of art as a cultural element. Art flew too close to the sun, and it survived and thrived in releasing my movie, but then it fell upwards into the nothingness created by the remaining inability to progress. Surely something must remain of art, you ask...

You're right, but I surrounded it in bear traps.

A man who fails to test himself is doomed to cancer. A man with cancer who fails to test himself is everyone other than me, because I am the only one with the will not only to survive, but to survive with clarity. As such, I've acquired a copy of Paranormal Activity 2 on VHS from my local video parlor, because I embrace retro media for the only reason anyone ever should: It reminds me of my blinded past. Now that my eyes are open, I can see the untainted horror of Frankie Jonas wearing a Ghostbusters t-shirt. I will forgive him still, provided his stubby little arms can reach the key through the double-shattered glass window at Urban Outfitters.

Speaking of bear traps, I've created a new drink to accompany my annual trial. And I call my new drink... The Bear Trap. One portion whiskey, one portion rum, two portions blood, and three cancer pills. I get to take a shot every time I mention cancer, because I need the medication anyway. Seeing as how cancer is such a part of me that I neither recognize my own utterance of its lexical fabrication or react to the pills more than I would a breath of air, I will never get drunk. The logic works, and doubters can search for the keys to their bear traps in the Rubix cube I've somehow put together at the bottom of this pitcher of Bear Trap.

That's right. I've got Bear Trap on tap. It's one of the few luxuries left in a world without art. Let us look back on the world that was in 2010 when Paranormal Activity 2 could still exist thanks to the "cineplex," now posthumously defined as "an institution funded wholly by Jigsaw's success."

My prediction: The movie will feature a whiny couple that doesn't realize they're lucky enough to have someone long enough to feel the shot of authentic pain when one or the other is diagnosed with a life-threatening disease.

My premise: If I were to direct this sequel, I would embrace the body-pulling ghost of the original in a manner that the characters are pulled through hallways lined with images of all their failings - images which bear my signature in the corner to symbolize that I am the only "ghost" to be "feared," and "I" actually represent "their" conscience. It would have worked, and it would have ended media even more abruptly than Saw 3D, if possible... which it wouldn't be.

0:00 This takes place in CarlsBAD, California. GOOD try with the subtext, but I'm taking a shot of Bear Trap anyway.

0:00 There's a baby in this one. Some call me a monster, but let it be known that I never put a baby through one of my trials. I let my cat handle that.


0:02 The teen daughter character has already mentioned "peeing" and "pooping." I'll let my cat handle that one, too.

0:03 I called my local video parlor to confirm that I did not in fact rent Disney's Babies 2: Suburban Shitheads. They charged me a late fee for calling. Oh yes. There will be blood. DRINK

0:05 The house is ripped apart. Was it a ghost? Was it my ghost? Am I even dead? I honestly don''t know. I stopped watching after Saw 4... Wait, no, that's not true... Huh this batch of Bear Trap is stronger than I thought...

0:07 The already camera-obsessed family is now installing a security camera system, yet none of the cameras are devoted to a puppet on a tricycle? Pride truly is the greatest sin.

0:10 The ethnic maid is being weird. I'd call racism, except that I really do believe most service workers have extrasensory perception. How else would the gas station know I was looking for last February's Rodent Rage magazine?

0:14 I actually prefer the crying baby and whimpering dog to the incessant prattling of these so-called adults.

0:19 The mobile over the cradle spins for a second. I casually compare this chilling moment to the time one of my subjects fell into a pit of used syringes.

0:21 It's revealed that the dog and baby sleep with the door closed to the rest of the family, presumably to block out Dada and Mama's white whine. Ironically, I'd actually place the key to the parents' bear traps at the bottom of a bottle of rosé.

0:25 The patriarch puts down the maid for her smoky spiritualism. The maid exits to smattering applause and eternal damnation for not having cancer so far as I know DRINK

0:29 I just caught myself saying "What a baby!" out loud to the onscreen toddler. It was a compliment.

0:34 The matriarch can't hang her pots properly because they keep falling down. I'd love to see her try to set up a complex mechanism in need of the pinpoint precision capable of granting that precious, solitary moment of lucidity just as the jaws of the device snap shut over the jugular. I'm talking about a mouse trap.

0:35 Psychhh I was talking about a bear trap DRINK

0:41 The daughter asks if the ghost is "mom." I guess that offers some backstory, but the real question is: What if the ghost is cancer? Whoa. What if the ghost was cancer? What if it were?! I seriously don't know the answers, and I'm being serious right now cuz I like you, k? I like youu

0:53 Aww man the baby's getting ghost-dragged that means my whole premise of being dragged through the metaphorical hallway is gonna have to be redone in crayon.

0:59 More mythology exposition. I've drifted over to my computer to re-read the entry on Chicago Cubs goat Steve Bartman... I'm telllin' ya... That was one of my greatest successes, and Steve came through it alive to become the depressed, changed man I wanted him to be. PLUS, I proved the ability to interweave my trials with live sporting events DRINK

1:03 Are you kidding me that I just found the actor Micah from these movies wearing the exact same shirt as the bonus Jonas I am running out of bear traps here!!!

1:08 Aww shit the cupboards burst open... Uhhh.. BEAR TRAP! (Gulp!) Yeah I'm typing my own drinking gulps cuz I'm still totally coherent when I drink and don't get drunk anyway cuz of all that cancer stuff I said before... OH i said cancer DRINK ha... ha...

1:14 Finally some adult human ghost-dragging... And it's right past some pictures just like in my premise haha...Pictures of bear traps would be funny, right haha... I think these drinks are too many or something...

1:24 Yeah we're finally going in the basement is it furnished? Who even cares anymore the lights are out I want to see bumper pooooool

1:28 Aah what they're starting the first movie over again what?!

1:32 Oh good that only took a couple minutes just like both of these movies could've been if we cut out all the blabber right? Only I should speak because I really do know what's best for all of you, ya know? I'm making you mutilate yourselves to help you, get it?! Hha

1:34 Okay I threw up and that was actually kind of good and why are there so many keys in my vomit what's happening who finished the rest of my Bear Tarp!!!!??? Imma ride my trike and go to bed I like you guys but you really need to stop, k

Special Guest Post: The Jigsaw Killer live-blogs Paranormal Activity

Something horrible is brewing on the cinematic horizon. People claim to be tiring of my "formula," as if real life is something I contrive for you each Halloween. They say I've sold out my philosophy by going three-dimensional, despite the fact that I now and always have bought my bear traps from local sellers. They've supplanted my pain with those of poor production values.

Paranormal Activity, my flawed and future victims, is a false prophet. I, the Jigsaw Killer, know that to be the truth even without the burden of having seen it. Never a hypocrite, however, tonight I coughed, sat down, and gazed upon the face of my enemy. Here are the uncensored thoughts through which I suffered.

0m – So we open with text setting up the pretense that this is a real story. Yeah, my title does that for me, because I am Saw, and Saw is real.
0m – Also, Katie Featherstone is a hot name. I may have to remove my mask for this one.
1m – San Diego is a hotbed of sin, by the way.
2m - Ms. Featherstone seems to have succumbed to the sin of gluttony. Mask back on.
3m – Meanwhile, the guy is a victim of both pride and lust (for himself). I'd probably set him up with a trap involving mirrors, lions, and lipstick.
5m – Five minutes in, and not a sign of rusty metal.
5m – Oh and we get our first hilarious misdirection, because the unknown noise is the icemaker running. They'd better go catch it, or else the liquid nitrogen I've been brewing in its inners will burst all over their souls. And their skin.
8m – Of course this is all an elaborate hoax for the guy to prove he's getting some. Congratulations, guy. You are as accomplished as every one of the fruit flies I'm breeding in your toothpaste tube.
10m – Just learned the guy is named Micah. Sometimes torture writes itself; I can just make him watch a loop of Micah from Heroes.
12m – Micah says they're engaged to be engaged. Sounds like heavy-handed foreshadowing apt for my Acme Heavy Hands to smash.
14m – There's still no one dead or on the verge of severing their body to avoid death! Explain to me again how audiences think this feels more real?
16m – Advice to Micah: Dump this paranoid bitch. I wouldn't even bother with her myself, as she'll never experience anything more spirit-crushing than the drying up of her ghost-fearing uterus.
18m – Remember that I had a female apprentice before you accuse me of sexism. Also remember that I kill people.
21m – “That's the standby light,” he says as he readies for entry. Micah has all the charm of a fraternity's apprentice rapist.
22m – And the “scary” first night ends with the alarm beeping them awake. I have a good story about what I did to the guy who invented that alarm beep. I'll tell you later.

25m – Looking at demon books = Everything that's wrong with horror. Humanity is the evil one! Cancer is the evil one! Humanity = Cancer (via the transitive theory of evil)! Therefore, Humanity = Expanded Baseball Playoffs.
27m – Girl wakes up screaming, imagining she's sleeping next to a guy named Micah. Twist: The dream is her reality!
29m – Whaddya know? Nothing happened, and now girls are beading. New twist: This film is my torture.
30m – I used to say fun words like “Whaddya” all the time, before I got cancer. Now I can only use them ironically, for my new dictionary contains but one word – solemnity.
32m – One third of the way through the movie, and our first big scare is the sound of a raccoon falling off the roof (a CGI raccoon no doubt). My first big scare is the feel of my half-empty bone flask.
35m – Why do they keep showing this demon book? Whoops that's Katie without her makeup.
36m – Amanda (my apprentice) approved that joke, because she understands real pain; not the menstrual melodrama bleeding onto my television screen.
39m – The real mystery unfurls: Why does this non-engaged couple have two unused guest rooms and a pool? Check avarice off the list, and order me some hemlock-filled coin rolls.
43m – Now they're reviewing the events of the night, for those who forgot what happened 2 minutes ago. Because that is the attention span of the American populace, whereas ABC family has already canceled its effort to re-air Friday Night Lights. I can't wait to rate Nielsen's screams as he sits chained before a S%@# My Dad Says marathon.
47m – The Ouiji board reads “Relationship metaphor.” Micah and Katie probably should have looked at the included instructions, which states, “If you are self-consumed narcissists, this product will still do nothing.”
50m – Some of you might accuse me of coming into this experience with a closed mind. I HAVE CANCER! MY MIND HAS NEVER BEEN MORE OPEN!
54m – Micah is showing what a man he is by raising his voice and using the word “fuck.” This is what boys in my movies do! They also die a lot cuz they don't learn my lessons and I hate them.
56m – Demon footprints. Re: Alarm inventor guy - I sent him a bucket of popcorn congratulating him for bottling the sound I wish to awaken my subjects to on a metaphysical level. It was one of those threeway bins, with plain, cheese, and caramel.
58m – Micah Micah! I choose you, Micah!
58m - “That makes no sense,” Katie says of a picture of a young girl wearing the same blue dress worn by all haunted young girls. It does if they shop at the same place.
60m – New theory: This movie is an ill-conceived attempt by Micah to legally justify to his insurance company why his McMansion burned down.
65m – The action's ratcheting up, and I'm losing what little of my interest was left. I wonder how my Trailblazers did tonight?
66m – Did you actually believe that I, Jigsaw, could care about a regular season NBA game? If you did, understand why you are now tangled in an un-detangleable Keith Van Horn jersey.
67m – Gasp! The broken picture! There might be glass on the floor!
69m – The sketchy psychic arrives, sees how poorly Katie's been taking care of herself during the haunting, and leaves.
72m – Question: How can a man with such a big house not afford to stay in a hotel for a few nights? Answer: He's been blacklisted for hooking-and-dashing, and he doesn't want Katie to find out and dump him? No. It's unexplainable.
75m – It's a relationship drama full-on now, I guess, with wholly unlikeable characters. Again: THIS IS WHY I KILL THEM!
78m – The girl just got dragged away and hurt and now we coast to the end with no consequences and no moral improvement for the viewer.
84m – Oh I guess there is a consequence: Pointless death, the antithesis of my very being. You'll pay for this, Paranormal Activity, just as soon as I finish filling the space above my guest rooms with enough grain filter to slowly trickle down to the tick, tick, tick of your timestamp. Mercy is more than a she-demon cut to black, and you will know it when you beg for it.

Mercy is Saw 3D, opening this weekend at a theater near you.

Guest Post - The Jigsaw Killer

I found the following note in the knot of a tree. Strangely, it was posted to "The Blogulator," and the postage had been canceled and everything. Next to the note lay a dead squirrel, choked on a walnut labeled "avarice." Hungry myself, I nudged the walnut from the breathless corpse and cracked it open. Inside was a key. Only then did I realize that the squirrel was chained to a rodent-sized iron maiden. - DoktorPeace


Hello, friends. Do you want to read a blog?

I'm kidding, of course. I've lightened up over the past few years, having grown accustomed to the fame and money resultant from my annual biopics.

Did you believe that? Then you have thirty seconds to live.
Saw VI comes out next weekend, and I defy any of you to miss it. My movies are the most voyeuristic, gonzo documentaries ever produced this side of France. You're lucky you have the chance to see them, because the nachos you ate for lunch somehow negated the toxin I'd intended to melt your eyes.

Chris and Qualler - I've heard you plan on going to a wedding instead? Choosing to celebrate life rather than death? You demonstrate an even more pitiable naivete than your Tegan and Sara reviews suggest. When you arrive at your hotel, be sure to check the linens, for somewhere in those soon-to-be-bloodsoaked sheets will be a note. (On to "the con," yet? ) There you will find a series of dates, referring to a Monday, a Monday, and a Monday. This will lead you to a key, etc. Thirty seconds. *cough* Otherwise, you will soon be walking with your own ghosts.

I hear many of you out there tiring of my act. Firstly - WHAT ACT?! I AM LIFE, EXPERIENCE, BEING INCARNATE! Do you think "an act" can be translated into virtual reality, as my story has been for the Playstation, Xbox, and PC consoles. That's right. Released on October 6, and probably enjoyed many times over by you and your kin in the 10 days since, Saw - The Video Game has become the first interactive landmark in cultural history. Why else would the publisher have to specify in the subtitle that it is, in fact, a video game? Because otherwise, my reality would be too real. My story, too personal.

I'm going to be upfront with you here for a moment, because that's what honest, respectable human beings do, you mangy lot of ignorant, lazy sluts! I haven't seen any of my films past Saw II. No, no... It's not that they've become too gruesome. Education can be gruesome. And heaven help you if you think the movies have become too redundant. Is a sunrise redundant?

No. I cannot watch them because I, and I alone, must worry. Watching these films is like watching home movies, for despite the wonder of watching myself crawl around and goo, after a while, I recognize all too clearly what despair the future brings. Somewhere in baby Jigsaw's future, this world always existed. Somewhere, the pain was always there. Somewhere, diapers remain forever unchanged, and fill with cancer.

Do you not understand? I can't say I'm surprised. You are infatuated with a society that glamorizes its faults and praises false idols. Tonight, I expect thousands of you to align within your concrete temples in a search to discover Where the Wild Things Are. I can tell you right now: The wild things are outside, in the actual world you inhabit! "Hypocrite!" you shout, as the following week finds Saw VI a smashing success upon the same silver screens. "A necessary sacrifice!" I plead back to you.

If it were up to me, I would project my film through a stream-powered stereoscope onto the darkened fronds of the deep, lush forest. After your all-consuming society razed those hopes, however, I was forced to extend my reach into your parking lots. There I've constructed an asphalt cliff, over which the light of knowledge beckons your lemming souls.

Jump, and you will finally understand all that I've been trying to explain. Jump, and you will find the true key to unlock the chains attached to the dry ice cubes you now find consuming your feet. Jump, and let the rusty syringes speeding towards your head fill you with the serum your persona's been unknowingly begging for.

Then jump again next year, at Saw VII.

Guest Post: The Jigsaw Killer

In celebration (or in memoriam) of Halloween, the Blogulator has received a cassette tape from its good friend Jigsaw.

The rest of the recording is obfuscated by the sounds of Jigsaw crunching on something that can only be hypothesized as red and delicious. We have transcribed the remainder. Oh yes. There will be blood.


For years now, you've all been regressing into metasociety, where your most intimate thoughts are founded in children's television and postmodern comedy. Every time you encounter a situation that may be unique, you devalue it, saying to yourself, "This could have been a plotline in that show about the friends in New York." Then you tell your friends about it, and they agree... only they think of the other show with the friends from New York. And you're both content to leave it at that, happy to know that your real-life experience in some way approaches fiction.

In the days before ubiquitous media and "culture"-soaked internet, most people were forced to consume a 300-page book if they wished to drop a meaningful reference into their day-to-day tête à tête. And in that 300 pages, it was only probable that additional insight into the human experience would be passed from author to reader - not through some one-line comment where Jesus beats a fish, but through chapter after chapter of relationship-driven dialogue and circumstance. Literature required investment on both ends, by the printers with their scarce pulp and the readers with their scarce, plague-shortened lives. Knowledge was a commodity in and of itself, and the only aphorism of value was one which actually revealed the tragedy of our cancerous society. Fear of this knowledge constructed giant bonfires of books meant to destroy more than the aside that "It tastes like burning."

Yet here we rest, with productions of almost any type inevitably containing some allusion to an alternate. If we fail to consume that which we are expected to, it is our loss; for more often than not the reference is contained entirely within itself. Pure story falls into the distance, as anyone interested in inclusion is burdened with the task of consuming the thousand and one tales leading up to the present. Simplicity is abandoned to unnecessary, unhealthy complication.

So here is the game: Through manipulation of the winds, I have managed to inject an air bubble into each of your bloodstreams. In the year between the releases of Saw V and Saw VI (Book of Shadows), you must emote an ethos of individuality capable of releasing your healing, bubble-popping toxins. The path to enlightenment is yours to forge, but I will warn you now that an ecotour to Panama led by a Buddhist Penn grad by no means qualifies. Media is not the only source of meta-devolution. People everywhere - spinning in the gym, chomping down on chips, kissing their sweethearts goodnight - are guilty of the same sin. And they will all suffer for it.

Is it really you who decided to lock lips with Bessie Mae? Or is it the hours of Disney tweenia that motivated your move? I am Jigsaw, so only I know.


The reason I am so harsh and misinterpreted as evil is because I want you to change, and I want you to survive. Saw VII (Glistening Ember) will completely redraw the boundaries of fiction and nonfiction, and you should be there to see it. Creating something so purely original is a rare event, made possible only through the torture of a soul shot down by cancer in the prime of his life. I lost everything I ever gained before I could inhabit my new persona. Here writes the masked product of true nature, and it towers above your fabrications. Humble it is not, but human it is.

Live. Enjoy the visceral struggle for survival, the impossible search for meaning and answers, the horrible actuality embodied in my devices. Be like me...

The Jigsaw Killer.

Jigsaw's fifth biopic opens today.