Special Guest Post: The Jigsaw Killer live-blogs Paranormal Activity

Something horrible is brewing on the cinematic horizon. People claim to be tiring of my "formula," as if real life is something I contrive for you each Halloween. They say I've sold out my philosophy by going three-dimensional, despite the fact that I now and always have bought my bear traps from local sellers. They've supplanted my pain with those of poor production values.

Paranormal Activity, my flawed and future victims, is a false prophet. I, the Jigsaw Killer, know that to be the truth even without the burden of having seen it. Never a hypocrite, however, tonight I coughed, sat down, and gazed upon the face of my enemy. Here are the uncensored thoughts through which I suffered.

0m – So we open with text setting up the pretense that this is a real story. Yeah, my title does that for me, because I am Saw, and Saw is real.
0m – Also, Katie Featherstone is a hot name. I may have to remove my mask for this one.
1m – San Diego is a hotbed of sin, by the way.
2m - Ms. Featherstone seems to have succumbed to the sin of gluttony. Mask back on.
3m – Meanwhile, the guy is a victim of both pride and lust (for himself). I'd probably set him up with a trap involving mirrors, lions, and lipstick.
5m – Five minutes in, and not a sign of rusty metal.
5m – Oh and we get our first hilarious misdirection, because the unknown noise is the icemaker running. They'd better go catch it, or else the liquid nitrogen I've been brewing in its inners will burst all over their souls. And their skin.
8m – Of course this is all an elaborate hoax for the guy to prove he's getting some. Congratulations, guy. You are as accomplished as every one of the fruit flies I'm breeding in your toothpaste tube.
10m – Just learned the guy is named Micah. Sometimes torture writes itself; I can just make him watch a loop of Micah from Heroes.
12m – Micah says they're engaged to be engaged. Sounds like heavy-handed foreshadowing apt for my Acme Heavy Hands to smash.
14m – There's still no one dead or on the verge of severing their body to avoid death! Explain to me again how audiences think this feels more real?
16m – Advice to Micah: Dump this paranoid bitch. I wouldn't even bother with her myself, as she'll never experience anything more spirit-crushing than the drying up of her ghost-fearing uterus.
18m – Remember that I had a female apprentice before you accuse me of sexism. Also remember that I kill people.
21m – “That's the standby light,” he says as he readies for entry. Micah has all the charm of a fraternity's apprentice rapist.
22m – And the “scary” first night ends with the alarm beeping them awake. I have a good story about what I did to the guy who invented that alarm beep. I'll tell you later.

25m – Looking at demon books = Everything that's wrong with horror. Humanity is the evil one! Cancer is the evil one! Humanity = Cancer (via the transitive theory of evil)! Therefore, Humanity = Expanded Baseball Playoffs.
27m – Girl wakes up screaming, imagining she's sleeping next to a guy named Micah. Twist: The dream is her reality!
29m – Whaddya know? Nothing happened, and now girls are beading. New twist: This film is my torture.
30m – I used to say fun words like “Whaddya” all the time, before I got cancer. Now I can only use them ironically, for my new dictionary contains but one word – solemnity.
32m – One third of the way through the movie, and our first big scare is the sound of a raccoon falling off the roof (a CGI raccoon no doubt). My first big scare is the feel of my half-empty bone flask.
35m – Why do they keep showing this demon book? Whoops that's Katie without her makeup.
36m – Amanda (my apprentice) approved that joke, because she understands real pain; not the menstrual melodrama bleeding onto my television screen.
39m – The real mystery unfurls: Why does this non-engaged couple have two unused guest rooms and a pool? Check avarice off the list, and order me some hemlock-filled coin rolls.
43m – Now they're reviewing the events of the night, for those who forgot what happened 2 minutes ago. Because that is the attention span of the American populace, whereas ABC family has already canceled its effort to re-air Friday Night Lights. I can't wait to rate Nielsen's screams as he sits chained before a S%@# My Dad Says marathon.
47m – The Ouiji board reads “Relationship metaphor.” Micah and Katie probably should have looked at the included instructions, which states, “If you are self-consumed narcissists, this product will still do nothing.”
50m – Some of you might accuse me of coming into this experience with a closed mind. I HAVE CANCER! MY MIND HAS NEVER BEEN MORE OPEN!
54m – Micah is showing what a man he is by raising his voice and using the word “fuck.” This is what boys in my movies do! They also die a lot cuz they don't learn my lessons and I hate them.
56m – Demon footprints. Re: Alarm inventor guy - I sent him a bucket of popcorn congratulating him for bottling the sound I wish to awaken my subjects to on a metaphysical level. It was one of those threeway bins, with plain, cheese, and caramel.
58m – Micah Micah! I choose you, Micah!
58m - “That makes no sense,” Katie says of a picture of a young girl wearing the same blue dress worn by all haunted young girls. It does if they shop at the same place.
60m – New theory: This movie is an ill-conceived attempt by Micah to legally justify to his insurance company why his McMansion burned down.
65m – The action's ratcheting up, and I'm losing what little of my interest was left. I wonder how my Trailblazers did tonight?
66m – Did you actually believe that I, Jigsaw, could care about a regular season NBA game? If you did, understand why you are now tangled in an un-detangleable Keith Van Horn jersey.
67m – Gasp! The broken picture! There might be glass on the floor!
69m – The sketchy psychic arrives, sees how poorly Katie's been taking care of herself during the haunting, and leaves.
72m – Question: How can a man with such a big house not afford to stay in a hotel for a few nights? Answer: He's been blacklisted for hooking-and-dashing, and he doesn't want Katie to find out and dump him? No. It's unexplainable.
75m – It's a relationship drama full-on now, I guess, with wholly unlikeable characters. Again: THIS IS WHY I KILL THEM!
78m – The girl just got dragged away and hurt and now we coast to the end with no consequences and no moral improvement for the viewer.
84m – Oh I guess there is a consequence: Pointless death, the antithesis of my very being. You'll pay for this, Paranormal Activity, just as soon as I finish filling the space above my guest rooms with enough grain filter to slowly trickle down to the tick, tick, tick of your timestamp. Mercy is more than a she-demon cut to black, and you will know it when you beg for it.

Mercy is Saw 3D, opening this weekend at a theater near you.

This entry was posted by DoktorPeace, on Wednesday, October 27, 2010. You can leave your response.