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Guest Post - The Jigsaw Killer

I found the following note in the knot of a tree. Strangely, it was posted to "The Blogulator," and the postage had been canceled and everything. Next to the note lay a dead squirrel, choked on a walnut labeled "avarice." Hungry myself, I nudged the walnut from the breathless corpse and cracked it open. Inside was a key. Only then did I realize that the squirrel was chained to a rodent-sized iron maiden. - DoktorPeace

Hello, friends. Do you want to read a blog?

I'm kidding, of course. I've lightened up over the past few years, having grown accustomed to the fame and money resultant from my annual biopics.

Did you believe that? Then you have thirty seconds to live.
Saw VI comes out next weekend, and I defy any of you to miss it. My movies are the most voyeuristic, gonzo documentaries ever produced this side of France. You're lucky you have the chance to see them, because the nachos you ate for lunch somehow negated the toxin I'd intended to melt your eyes.

Chris and Qualler - I've heard you plan on going to a wedding instead? Choosing to celebrate life rather than death? You demonstrate an even more pitiable naivete than your Tegan and Sara reviews suggest. When you arrive at your hotel, be sure to check the linens, for somewhere in those soon-to-be-bloodsoaked sheets will be a note. (On to "the con," yet? ) There you will find a series of dates, referring to a Monday, a Monday, and a Monday. This will lead you to a key, etc. Thirty seconds. *cough* Otherwise, you will soon be walking with your own ghosts.

I hear many of you out there tiring of my act. Firstly - WHAT ACT?! I AM LIFE, EXPERIENCE, BEING INCARNATE! Do you think "an act" can be translated into virtual reality, as my story has been for the Playstation, Xbox, and PC consoles. That's right. Released on October 6, and probably enjoyed many times over by you and your kin in the 10 days since, Saw - The Video Game has become the first interactive landmark in cultural history. Why else would the publisher have to specify in the subtitle that it is, in fact, a video game? Because otherwise, my reality would be too real. My story, too personal.

I'm going to be upfront with you here for a moment, because that's what honest, respectable human beings do, you mangy lot of ignorant, lazy sluts! I haven't seen any of my films past Saw II. No, no... It's not that they've become too gruesome. Education can be gruesome. And heaven help you if you think the movies have become too redundant. Is a sunrise redundant?

No. I cannot watch them because I, and I alone, must worry. Watching these films is like watching home movies, for despite the wonder of watching myself crawl around and goo, after a while, I recognize all too clearly what despair the future brings. Somewhere in baby Jigsaw's future, this world always existed. Somewhere, the pain was always there. Somewhere, diapers remain forever unchanged, and fill with cancer.

Do you not understand? I can't say I'm surprised. You are infatuated with a society that glamorizes its faults and praises false idols. Tonight, I expect thousands of you to align within your concrete temples in a search to discover Where the Wild Things Are. I can tell you right now: The wild things are outside, in the actual world you inhabit! "Hypocrite!" you shout, as the following week finds Saw VI a smashing success upon the same silver screens. "A necessary sacrifice!" I plead back to you.

If it were up to me, I would project my film through a stream-powered stereoscope onto the darkened fronds of the deep, lush forest. After your all-consuming society razed those hopes, however, I was forced to extend my reach into your parking lots. There I've constructed an asphalt cliff, over which the light of knowledge beckons your lemming souls.

Jump, and you will finally understand all that I've been trying to explain. Jump, and you will find the true key to unlock the chains attached to the dry ice cubes you now find consuming your feet. Jump, and let the rusty syringes speeding towards your head fill you with the serum your persona's been unknowingly begging for.

Then jump again next year, at Saw VII.

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  1. Blogger chris | 9:32 AM |  

    Hahahaha YES! THE RETURN OF JIGSAW!!!! How I love it so.

    I would buy an avarice walnut t-shirt over a WTWTA t-shirt anyday!

    By the by, Teegy and Sar-Sar tickets on sale TODAY!!!

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