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Special Guest Post: The Jigsaw Killer Live-Blogs Paranormal Activity 2

It's me, sinners. If you don't know who I am, please go make one of those rosaries that replaces each of the beads with a picture of Time's 10 most influential people of the century and then lash yourself with it, so that you can learn my face as it continues to fly towards the blistering, tear-filled gouges that have replaced your once naive smile.

By the way, I'm in a pretty good mood this year.

You might be surprised to hear that seeing as how this marks the first time in 7 years that one of my journals hasn't been transcribed into a theatrical release; however, it's not my fault that the film industry completely shut down. That is what happened, isn't it? Tragic news in an already harsh economy that I've punished further by surrounding in bear traps, but not completely unexpected. When a pinnacle like Saw 3D is reached, there is little choice left besides the complete abandonment of art as a cultural element. Art flew too close to the sun, and it survived and thrived in releasing my movie, but then it fell upwards into the nothingness created by the remaining inability to progress. Surely something must remain of art, you ask...

You're right, but I surrounded it in bear traps.

A man who fails to test himself is doomed to cancer. A man with cancer who fails to test himself is everyone other than me, because I am the only one with the will not only to survive, but to survive with clarity. As such, I've acquired a copy of Paranormal Activity 2 on VHS from my local video parlor, because I embrace retro media for the only reason anyone ever should: It reminds me of my blinded past. Now that my eyes are open, I can see the untainted horror of Frankie Jonas wearing a Ghostbusters t-shirt. I will forgive him still, provided his stubby little arms can reach the key through the double-shattered glass window at Urban Outfitters.

Speaking of bear traps, I've created a new drink to accompany my annual trial. And I call my new drink... The Bear Trap. One portion whiskey, one portion rum, two portions blood, and three cancer pills. I get to take a shot every time I mention cancer, because I need the medication anyway. Seeing as how cancer is such a part of me that I neither recognize my own utterance of its lexical fabrication or react to the pills more than I would a breath of air, I will never get drunk. The logic works, and doubters can search for the keys to their bear traps in the Rubix cube I've somehow put together at the bottom of this pitcher of Bear Trap.

That's right. I've got Bear Trap on tap. It's one of the few luxuries left in a world without art. Let us look back on the world that was in 2010 when Paranormal Activity 2 could still exist thanks to the "cineplex," now posthumously defined as "an institution funded wholly by Jigsaw's success."

My prediction: The movie will feature a whiny couple that doesn't realize they're lucky enough to have someone long enough to feel the shot of authentic pain when one or the other is diagnosed with a life-threatening disease.

My premise: If I were to direct this sequel, I would embrace the body-pulling ghost of the original in a manner that the characters are pulled through hallways lined with images of all their failings - images which bear my signature in the corner to symbolize that I am the only "ghost" to be "feared," and "I" actually represent "their" conscience. It would have worked, and it would have ended media even more abruptly than Saw 3D, if possible... which it wouldn't be.

0:00 This takes place in CarlsBAD, California. GOOD try with the subtext, but I'm taking a shot of Bear Trap anyway.

0:00 There's a baby in this one. Some call me a monster, but let it be known that I never put a baby through one of my trials. I let my cat handle that.


0:02 The teen daughter character has already mentioned "peeing" and "pooping." I'll let my cat handle that one, too.

0:03 I called my local video parlor to confirm that I did not in fact rent Disney's Babies 2: Suburban Shitheads. They charged me a late fee for calling. Oh yes. There will be blood. DRINK

0:05 The house is ripped apart. Was it a ghost? Was it my ghost? Am I even dead? I honestly don''t know. I stopped watching after Saw 4... Wait, no, that's not true... Huh this batch of Bear Trap is stronger than I thought...

0:07 The already camera-obsessed family is now installing a security camera system, yet none of the cameras are devoted to a puppet on a tricycle? Pride truly is the greatest sin.

0:10 The ethnic maid is being weird. I'd call racism, except that I really do believe most service workers have extrasensory perception. How else would the gas station know I was looking for last February's Rodent Rage magazine?

0:14 I actually prefer the crying baby and whimpering dog to the incessant prattling of these so-called adults.

0:19 The mobile over the cradle spins for a second. I casually compare this chilling moment to the time one of my subjects fell into a pit of used syringes.

0:21 It's revealed that the dog and baby sleep with the door closed to the rest of the family, presumably to block out Dada and Mama's white whine. Ironically, I'd actually place the key to the parents' bear traps at the bottom of a bottle of rosé.

0:25 The patriarch puts down the maid for her smoky spiritualism. The maid exits to smattering applause and eternal damnation for not having cancer so far as I know DRINK

0:29 I just caught myself saying "What a baby!" out loud to the onscreen toddler. It was a compliment.

0:34 The matriarch can't hang her pots properly because they keep falling down. I'd love to see her try to set up a complex mechanism in need of the pinpoint precision capable of granting that precious, solitary moment of lucidity just as the jaws of the device snap shut over the jugular. I'm talking about a mouse trap.

0:35 Psychhh I was talking about a bear trap DRINK

0:41 The daughter asks if the ghost is "mom." I guess that offers some backstory, but the real question is: What if the ghost is cancer? Whoa. What if the ghost was cancer? What if it were?! I seriously don't know the answers, and I'm being serious right now cuz I like you, k? I like youu

0:53 Aww man the baby's getting ghost-dragged that means my whole premise of being dragged through the metaphorical hallway is gonna have to be redone in crayon.

0:59 More mythology exposition. I've drifted over to my computer to re-read the entry on Chicago Cubs goat Steve Bartman... I'm telllin' ya... That was one of my greatest successes, and Steve came through it alive to become the depressed, changed man I wanted him to be. PLUS, I proved the ability to interweave my trials with live sporting events DRINK

1:03 Are you kidding me that I just found the actor Micah from these movies wearing the exact same shirt as the bonus Jonas I am running out of bear traps here!!!

1:08 Aww shit the cupboards burst open... Uhhh.. BEAR TRAP! (Gulp!) Yeah I'm typing my own drinking gulps cuz I'm still totally coherent when I drink and don't get drunk anyway cuz of all that cancer stuff I said before... OH i said cancer DRINK ha... ha...

1:14 Finally some adult human ghost-dragging... And it's right past some pictures just like in my premise haha...Pictures of bear traps would be funny, right haha... I think these drinks are too many or something...

1:24 Yeah we're finally going in the basement is it furnished? Who even cares anymore the lights are out I want to see bumper pooooool

1:28 Aah what they're starting the first movie over again what?!

1:32 Oh good that only took a couple minutes just like both of these movies could've been if we cut out all the blabber right? Only I should speak because I really do know what's best for all of you, ya know? I'm making you mutilate yourselves to help you, get it?! Hha

1:34 Okay I threw up and that was actually kind of good and why are there so many keys in my vomit what's happening who finished the rest of my Bear Tarp!!!!??? Imma ride my trike and go to bed I like you guys but you really need to stop, k

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