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Stars: They're Nothing Like Us (The Top 5 Voids Left By Oprah)

Like most of the country, last week I was in shock over the news that Oprah Winfrey decided to hang up her daytime TV mogul hat. For many people, this was the disappointment heard 'round the world since Oprah has been so influential in American culture.

By now, most of the conversation has turned to who will replace the woman who has who has told us what to read, who to like, and what to believe in 2011 when the show comes to its conclusion. I think we can all agree that Oprah's got some pretty big shoes and it would be difficult for one person to fill them. That's why I've determined 5 specific areas that we're going to need help with in a post-Oprah world and I've identified 5 potential replacements for her. Here are the five questions that are now keeping Oprah fans up at night...

1) Who is going to tell me what to read?

What better book club is out there than Oprah's? You get to discover inspiring books before everyone else; you can skip all the pretentious discussion groups; and Oprah is never going to call you out if you just skim the Cliff Notes or only look at the pictures! But in Oprah's absence I'd like the nominate recent Oprah guest Sarah Palin, who spent a good portion of her interview proving that she does, in fact, read. Plus, as a maverick, you know she'll 'go rogue' with her book selections.

2) Whose weight is going to yo-yo on national television, thereby showing women everywhere that they have inner beauty?

Oprah might be best known for her very public struggles with her weight, and I think there are a lot of women that I could recommend as the new role model in this area. But the Kirstie Alleys and Rosie O'Donnells or the world are lacking one thing that this next nominee has a lot of...unrelenting narcissism! I'm talking about Tyra Banks, of course. I just really don't think we're going to get anyone as gracious about her struggles with her body as Oprah, so I think the best strategy is to go with someone who is just not afraid to tell it how it is.

Tyra Banks already does so much to show us that no matter what we look like -- whether we're under 5'9" or if we're a pudgy size 6 -- we can all be models. You just have to overcome all of the obstacles that Tyra had to. Maybe she's a bit angrier than Oprah but she is building a healthy empire and she's not afraid to blindly ignore the hypocrisy of her own actions.

3) Who will create shocking Broadway musicals that will test our beliefs and push the boundaries on discrimination?

Oprah's huge success with The Color Purple is hard to deny. Finding someone to step up to the plate on this one kind of sounds like the next step for Tyra Banks, actually. But since I don't really see Broadway agreeing to let Tyra play every role, I'm going to nominate Adam Lambert. After his AMAs performance, I really think he's the one to finally bring gay S&M discrimination to the forefront of the equal rights movement.

4) Who will tell me who to vote for for president?

According to Wikipedia, Oprah has been credited with delivering over a million votes for Barack Obama in the 2008 Democratic primary. Being the most influential woman in America, I sincerely doubt that any other person besides Oprah could pull off something like that. But I think that it's just important to have a politically-minded person fill that role, so I'd like to nominate former America's Next Top Model winner, Saleisha. Now that the thought has crossed her mind to vote, I'm sure this Cover Girl and 2008 first-time voter will not only keep up on her politics but actively support her candidates.

5) Who is going to give away cars and other fancy prizes to audience members?

Octomom -- only she'll be giving away kids instead of cars. Yeah, the present is half the fun and twice the responsibility, but she's got an overabundance of babies and a great fertility doctor so she'll be a consistent supplier of door prizes. And she's been begging for TV time, so it's a perfect fit.

Oprah will be missed, but if all these celebrities do their part and use their newly found talents to fill in the gaps then America will be alright.

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  1. Blogger Papa Thor | 8:18 AM |  

    When I saw your blog title I decided to not read it right away, I wanted to enjoy Thanksgiving first. All I can hope for is that now finally Oprah will settle down and start raising kids.

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