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Yuppie Douche-bags On Speed

It has been a tough week in America. For several days now, we average citizens have been made painfully aware of the fact that we don't know anything about the economy and that suddenly it's a bad idea to borrow money. We tried to stay calm, but panic ensued and the stock market ups and downs were as drastic as a Victorian melodrama, with Wall Street playing the "damsel-in-distress." Thankfully, however, we are in an election year so the politicians acted fast. With the bailout package agreed upon and underway, a sigh of relief rings out from Joe Sixpack and the rest of us, who can now take our eye off of Wall Street and focus back on Main Street - or should I say Hollywood Boulevard. Forget the economy, let's talk celebrities!

You know something is f***ed up with Hollyweird when a 15-year-old actress feels the need to "transition into adult roles." And I don't mean "adult roles" as in the adult film industry, though I find it quite ironic that Miley Cyrus chose to describe her growth in those terms considering her highly scandalous photo shoot session and the fact that she is now dating an underwear model. But, I digress. Cyrus, who can't even drive herself to a movie set (because she's only 15!), cited Mandy Moore in A Walk to Remember as a great example of the kind of role she'd like play to move away from her teeny-pop princess persona.

I know I've talked about this before, but it irks me that all of the female Disney stars seem to get pushed into career paths that they may not be ready for or that they may not be good at. I don't know if the pressure comes from Disney itself or if the teen princesses get cocky after two seasons in a starring role, but I would think that Disney would want Miley to hang on to her teen pop star alter ego, Hannah Montana, for as long as possible. I mean, the show is only in production for its third season at the moment. There's a lot more green to be squeezed out of that one. All the kids went back to school with Hannah Montana backpacks and pencils and folders, and I bet they'll do it again next year if they have the chance.

Aside from the fact that Mandy Moore was 18 years old when she decided to make the big screen transition into adulthood, I think Miley is not thinking through what life would be like after taking a movie role like this. Look at the films Mandy Moore made after A Walk to Remember. Saved! was kind of funny, but following that she made Because I Said So and License to Wed among others that no one has heard of. Miley, are those really the kind of movies you want to give up your multi-million dollar empire to make? Will those really make people take you seriously?

But the worst part is that the person Miley has contracted to write her potentially career-defining role is, as my title says, a total yuppie douche-bag on speed. Nicholas Sparks, author of novel-to screen favorites such as A Walk to Remember, The Notebook, and Message in a Bottle, is the writer-equivalent of Christian Bale's character in the dark satire, American Psycho. According to a recent EW interview with the author, he works out almost three hours a day, can't sit still to watch TV or relax, refuses to take a vacation, has a very structured, formulaic writing and brainstorming method, and tries to write things that are "universal." Not to mention that he twice, yes twice, in the interview compares himself to Shakespeare. TWICE! Furthermore, as a testament to his doucheyness, he is offended by people labeling his writing as "romance." He claims that he writes "dramatic fiction" directly descended from Shakespeare and Hemingway, of course. He compares his books to the likes of A Farewell to Arms and Romeo and Juliet.

Listen, when you write love stories that feature Kevin Costner or Richard Gere, you gotta suck up the "romance" title. I saw Message in a Bottle and it was terrible. I saw The Notebook during my college movie projection job so many times I want to puke just thinking about it, and it was increasingly more awful each time.

Let me share some IMDB plot summaries from Nicholas Sparks novels turned movies:

Message in a Bottle - "A woman finds a romantic letter in a bottle washed ashore and tracks down the author, a widowed shipbuilder whose wife died tragically early. As a deep and mutual attraction blossoms, the man struggles to make peace with his past so that he can move on and find happiness." - CHICK FLICK

A Walk to Remember - "Landon Carter gets in trouble and has to do community service - including getting involved in the spring play. He then falls in love with Jamie Sulivan, the daughter of the town's minister. He thinks she's perfect, but how long can she keep her major secret from him?" - ROM DRAM

The Notebook - "The movie focuses on an old man reading a story to an old woman in a nursing home. The story he reads follows two young lovers named Allie Hamilton and Noah Calhoun, who meet one evening at a carnival. But they are separated by Allie's parents who disapprove of Noah's unwealthy family, and move Allie away. After waiting for Noah to write her for several years, Allie meets and gets engaged to a handsome young soldier named Lon. Allie, then, with her love for Noah still alive, stops by Noah's 200-year-old home that he restored for her, "to see if he's okay". It is evident that they still have feelings for each other, and Allie has to choose between her fiancé and her first love." - SAPPY, WAY-TOO-LONG, SNOOZE FEST

The verdict? He's a romance writer. Slap Fabio on the cover of the next book and you're in business.

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  1. Blogger Brigitte | 11:17 AM |  

    it makes me really sad for our future when young actresses aspire to be mandy moore.

  2. Blogger chris | 11:34 AM |  

    I find Mandy Moore infinitely more tolerable than Emaciated Horse Who Talks Like She Has Braces On. So if this is the next Mandy Moore, then can you imagine who the next Miley Cyrus might be? I'm guessing Walking Stick-esque Giraffe Who Laughs Like a Castrated Dolphin.

    Do not get me started on Nicholas Sparks. Look at those soulless eyes and that manufactured smile.

  3. Blogger Adam | 12:54 PM |  

    Hemmingway's excrement could tell a better love story than Nicholas Sparks. That picture of him almost made me vomit.

  4. Blogger Lady Amy | 1:15 PM |  

    Yeah, he's disgusting in a very Hollywood, fakey kind of way. I'm surprised I'm saying this, but I think Hollywood's toll on men might be worse than its toll on women. I mean, the definition of attractive for men is so uber douchey it's disgusting.

  5. Blogger Sean | 1:50 PM |  

    y'all are just jealous of the dude's success. it's hard to appreciate good writing after your own writing dreams have withered and died.

    stop the hating.

  6. Blogger chris | 3:11 PM |  

    Withered and died?! Are you kidding?! We're writing for THE BLOGULATOR!

  7. Blogger Sean | 3:47 PM |  

    what about the feature length penguin movie, chris? hmm?

    i demand the sequel i was promised!

  8. Blogger Adam | 5:09 PM |  

    I will readily admit that I'M just jealous of his success (not to mention his charming good looks)

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