As American As...

Last week our nation turned another year older. I've always enjoyed the Fourth of July because it's the time of year when all Americans are allowed - no, encouraged - to adorn themselves and their homes, children, pets, cars, etc. in fantastically kitschy American garb. It is the one day of the year that I would be slightly less embarrassed to wear the XXL "USA" sweatshirt my grandma was so proud to give me for Christmas several years ago. But darn! It's just too hot to wear a sweatshirt this time of year. And it looked like everyone around me chose to forgo their American flare this year as well. I spent an entire 9 hours at the beach on the Friday and didn't see a single American flag bikini, towel, or t-shirt! It was perhaps the least patriotic (in terms of kitsch) 4th I've ever seen. The best and only physical display of American pride that I saw came from the Qualler dogs, who each wore a tiny red, white, and blue bow.

So I celebrated our nation's independence by laying around in the sun and reading the most American literature around me - People, Cosmo, and In Touch. What's more American than solving the mystery behind the anonymous blogger voice on "Gossip Girl" (Kristen Bell, if you're slow like me) or expanding my knowledge of the legal system on the matter of celebrity sex tapes (just a news article - ok for work)? Here are some of the juiciest, most American celeb gossip items I found this week:

Country Music = American

I didn't think Jessica Simpson and pop music meshed very well. Now, she's making her move to pop-country. The new single, "Come on Over," features the same over-processed vocals - but now with twang. I admit I was skeptical at first, but compared with her pop hits, this country stuff ain't bad. I predict we will see a short revival of Jessica Simpson's music career. Here's a sample:



Medical Breakthroughs = Pretty American

Ooooohhhhh, you thought Junior was just a mediocre Schwarzenegger flick based on the wildly unrealistic concept of male pregnancy. You were wrong! Last week an Oregon man gave birth to a baby girl. Yes, there is a legitimate medical reason that this man could have babies. You can read all about the medical stuff in the article. And I know what your follow-up question is - and yes, he was artificially inseminated. He's not a worm!

Actors Doing Their Patriotic Duty = Very American

Actors and big egos generally go together like peanut butter and jelly, but just like too much of one spread can ruin a good PB&J sandwich, actors' egos can get out of control too. For example, Dennis Haysbert, a black actor who plays the President on "24," is taking credit for helping win Barack Obama the presidential nomination. He believes that his character helped "open the eyes of the American people" to the possibility of electing a black president. While the Obama campaign is certainly a groundbreaking one, it seems absurd to me that "24" is responsible, since Hollywood has been "opening America's eyes" for a long time, portraying black presidents like Morgan Freeman in Deep Impact (1998) and James Earl Jones in The Man (1972) long before "24" was even conceived. Hollywood has even come so far with the subject that comedies about black presidents, such as Head of State featuring Chris Rock, have hit the box office. Not to mention that Haysbert has been off the show since early 2006, meaning that he thinks his TV character from two years ago changed voters' opinions today. Now I'm not a big "24" fan, but if it was really that good - well - bravo!

Showing a Little Skin = As American as Apple Pie!

Plumbers may, for once, be on the hip side of a fashion trend. Perhaps it is our slipping decency standards on television or perhaps it is the popularization of boob jobs in the 21st century that has left the the over-sexed American public yearning for change. Voluptuous breasts spilling out of low-cut v-neck tank tops isn't good enough anymore. They want something new, something exciting, something a little naughty - the public is screaming for butt cleavage! Yes, there is a clothing line that is selling ladies underwear with revealing shapes cut into the backside. I would describe them as sort of inverse thongs - where they cover the bottom of your bottom, but leave your crack peaking out the top. The idea is based off of the low-rise jeans trend, which I always thought was created to solve the "pouch problem" of high-waisted pants. This new underwear line has taken the trend too far. Is this fashion going to catch on? I'm not sure I am the right person to answer that question so I'm going to pass the ball here to someone with more fashion sense - and magazine subscriptions - than I (ahem, Brigitte). My guess is that a milder version the butt cleavage trend may spark, but will quickly die out when women realize how uncomfortable it is. But then again, pain is beauty.

That's all I've got for this week. God Bless America!

This entry was posted by Lady Amy, on Monday, July 07, 2008. You can leave your response.