To Future Success!

The future of blogging depends upon 2 things:

1.) Computers. By this I mean only the hardware. The internet is irrelevant, as proven by the following hypothetical:
"Hey Sean! Come over and check out this sweet post I wrote about the Obama campaign. I think it really opens up some aspects of the race issue."
"Cool, man. I'll bring over some porn and a virus. It's amateur stuff, though, cuz there's no internet, so..."
"Cool!"
2) More posts that bring together seemingly unrelated pop culture phenomena. How many times today has Yahoo!'s top story been some random crap about how much American Idol is like Southeast Asia, or about which burrito best describes which American Idol contestant? "A lot of times" is the correct answer. As much as I dream to have a post featured on that heralded front page, however, I can't bring myself to compare American Idol to anything other than a vacuum - empty and overrated. Diss. In its stead, then, I will feature the 4 movies I watched last Friday (in what was a glorious two hours of cable television), discussed via the spectrum of hockey. I hate hockey now, because the Capitals just lost, but I think it counts as pop culture, eh? Did you catch that joke, eh?

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Tonight's main event will be played between 2 teams of movies: Team Awesome versus TEAM HOTT.

Team Awesome consists of: Jurassic Park and Ghostbusters
Team HOTT: Coyote Ugly and Material Girls (that Hilary and Haylie Duff movie you kind of remember)

If you wish to attend, please head down to the San Diego docks, which were destroyed along with our cinematic innocence at the end of the second Jurassic Park. Don't worry; the T-Rex is gone... (snicker snicker)

TEAM ANALYSIS

Coaching tonight are:
Team HOTT - John Goodman and Anjelica Huston. If you combine the performances of these two from Coyote Ugly and Material Girls respectively, you'll probably end up with one coach who is only half-sleepwalking.
Team Awesome - Gozer (Ghostbusters). This guy is a genius, literally seeing into the opponents' heads to capture their game plan, before transfiguring that plan into some kind of incredible death monster. Gozer is God, and we are but His minions.
Starting at center are:
Team HOTT - Piper Perabo's character (Coyote Ugly). She's got the figure of a center, and, despite some early trepidations, you can expect her to belt the opponents with some o' dat New Jersey spunk before the nights through. Ain't nobody gonna stop this moonlight.Team Awesome - Janine Melnitz (Ghostbusters). A lot of people are criticizing Gozer for not going with the gritty speed of Slimer, but I for one have to agree with this move. Melnitz (aka the secretary) is pretty much the hub through which the Ghostbusters work. How would Dr. Venkman and the gang know where to go for their next mission if they didn't receive any calls? Swirling clouds are no giveaway signal anymore, what with global warming and all.


At the wings:
Team HOTT - The Duff sisters (Material Girls). No, they're not likeable. No, they have no redeeming talents or character traits, despite being the protagonists of Material Girls. Somehow, though, I still enjoyed their movie, for what it was and stuff. I dare any blue-blooded American to handle the puck effectively when a Duff sandwich is flying into the zone.
Team Awesome - Velociraptors (Jurassic Park). This is pretty self-explanatory, and I was going to find that video of them sneaking in from the sides to crush their prey; however, I stumbled upon what seems to be a cache of honorifics set to emo pop that it would be a shame to ignore:


Back in left defense, we have:
Team HOTT - Tyra Banks (Coyote Ugly). More and more America is realizing how truly frightened one should be when approaching this beast. Yeah, she's still got breasts, but those have gots to be nearing retirement. Banks can defend an area a good two sticks in length (approximately the radius of her ego), so I'd "bank" on her performance. Did you catch that joke, eh?
Team Awesome - Laura Dern (Jurassic Park). I mostly put her here because her initials match the position, but really, I've just disliked her ever since watching We Don't Live Here Anymore. Left defense is my right field of hockey. "Dinosaurs destroy man; Woman inherits the Earth," my foot! You're lucky you're not on the bench, Dern, with that kind of backtalk!

Playing in the back right are:

Team HOTT: The dreamy Australian guy from Coyote Ugly. To be honest, the guy doesn't have the chops to deserve a starting spot, but I'm pumped to see him converse with his counterpart...
Team Awesome: Dr. Ian Malcolm (Jurassic Park). The too-good-for-himself pseudoscientist would totally rip apart Mr. Dreamy's life choices (moving to New York to make something of himself, falling in love with a girl from New Jersey). This is a mismatch if ever there was one, yet I am fully in support of forcing people to reanalyze their decisions before they get ripped apart by a velociraptor chasing a loose puck.

And finally, in goal:
Team HOTT: Bridget Moynahan (Coyote Ugly). I'm going with the actress here, not the smarmy Coyote. We all know about her baby blues, and, as much of a distraction as it all may be off the rink, the drama implies a goalie who knows how to set up a nest and cradle the puck when it comes to her. Nothing's gonna get past her wall (unless the puck is made out of man fertilizer, I guess).
Team Awesome: John Hammond (Jurassic Park). The man knows as much about playoff beards as he does about Dino DNA. Plus, he's already got stick-handling skills thanks to his caning experience. A natural choice for a (thanks to advances in cloning) not-so-natural world.

Well, those are the lineups, folks. Again, the game will be played tonight (meaning in the future from whenever you read this post, meaning it will never really happen). Tickets sell for a quid and can be purchased by sending me money.

What? This is a pop culture blog? And I've mentioned hockey? Sigh, okay, I'll post the video...

Flying V psych!

This entry was posted by DoktorPeace, on Tuesday, April 22, 2008. You can leave your response.