Hey Television Networks, Pets are People Too!

So you're a television producer and you're trying to figure out a way to regain a reputation that screams, "I'm the one who wears the pants in this relationship, writers, and you will bend to my every will - no matter what." Qualler made his personal suggestions to the writers regarding this post-strike of 07-08 world earlier this week (just for you, Brigitte!), so I'd like to come full circle on this lovely Friday and help out the producers a little. You know, the little guy. The underdog. Yeah I know what you're thinking, and I agree. They shouldn't be the underdog. They should be on top, in charge, and oppressive as hell in every possible way to show that TV isn't an art (ha!), it's a business. Now listen up, producers. I've got your back. You can make the most absurd requests of your writers very slyly ("I don't think this is the direction we had in mind for the show..") without getting in much of any legal trouble, so what would be the best way to do this? One word: pets.

That's right, domesticated felines, canines, and more exotic creatures were once integral and audience-boosting assets to television programming. You know what I'm talking about, producers: when the dog who played the scruffy but reliable Eddie from "Frasier" died, the news got an exclusive article in People at a point in time when no one (and I mean NO ONE) cared about Kelsey Grammer's esoteric misadventures anymore! I hope you see where I'm going with this...but just in case you don't, think back to the golden age of television: everyone remembers Comet on "Full House," but does anyone remember what the name of that annoying little girl who said "dude" was? Forgettable! And I would place a hefty bet that ABC would have paid good money for Balki on "Perfect Strangers" to have a real live sheep instead of a stuffed one if they could assure Bronson Pinchot wouldn't abuse it. Hell, Sabrina had a sick-looking animatronic talking cat, and that show was the only reason Melissa Joan Hart isn't eternally known as Clarissa or "that chick from Drive Me Crazy." It even had its own cartoon spin-off! (Eyes roll into dollar signs, cue 'ch-ching!' sound effect). So here's what I'm driving at. Suggestions to force your writers into submission by saying, "We're looking to make this series more family oriented, and studies show that animals are going to do the trick. Oh, really, you think that would be tacky and forced? Well, then we'll take our business elsewhere.":

1) "The Wire": Give rogue detective McNulty a badass Great Dane that has melanonin and tons of scabs or something. I haven't seen past the beginning of Season Three, but I assume you haven't figured this out yet, because this show isn't really "viewer friendly." But trust me, it makes the most sense out of any of the ideas mentioned on this list. You'd be idiots NOT to do it. Plus then I imagine this great scene where the cat from the bar that Omar frequents totally goes at it with the Great Dane, and it's cute, hilarious, scary, and bleak all at the same time. Perfect fit with the show. It's always been missing that cute factor.

2) "Dexter": A pale blue Parakeet with a wicked mohawk would complement the serial killer nicely. I don't watch this show, but for some reason Michael C. Hall's piercing eyes and stoic face remind me of a bird who can mimic your voice (the color of the bird would only emphasize symbolically how Dexter feels inside). My grandma had a parakeet once and it always freaked me out, much like Michael C. Hall as a serial killer that you kind of sympathize with. Dexter will be cutting up a victim, then he'll say something generic but totally creepy and mysterious: "This is my way of letting go." Then the camera pans away and off in the corner of the room, blood splatters and the parakeet repeats, "my way of letting go! My way of letting go!"

3) "Jericho": Skeet Ulrich really looks like he needs an upright-walking mutant iguana at his side. I mean, the nuclear apocalypse has or is in the process of happening in this show, right? So when are we going to start rolling out the mutants? This is clearly why the fans brought the show back. You might as well rename the show to "Mutant Iguana and Skeet" and reveal a new video game tie-in. The mutant iguana won't talk, but will have telepathic powers to "connect" with Skeet, and only with Skeet. Everyone will think he's crazy, but he's not. Plus, the iguana is pro-gun control, so that will add a whole new political subtext to your already very issues-oriented program. Man, all of a sudden Caruso and all his other murder mystery buddies on CBS are going to be looking at this one scripted drama that's not about crime investigations and think, "how can we work in an iguana to this glossy crime scene?" And then he'll take off his sunglasses.

4) "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition": The absolutely insane host with the frosted tips and smoker's voice desperately calls for a pack of velociraptors to jump out of the house whenever the homeowners open up the door to see their new majestic palace. You can keep the tear-jerking scene where they pull away the truck and everyone has an eyeball aneurysm because they had no idea that in a show where the only thing that happens is they pimp out your house, that when the truck pulls away, lo and behold is the most awesome house you could ever imagine. But then, the kicker is when the mother tells her disabled little boy to "see what's inside" and set him forth to the front door, VELOCIRAPTORS!!! I imagine gasps of horror and deathly shrieks are heard for about 0.5 seconds, and then they are abruptly replaced with a pre-recorded "Urkel just walked into the room" audience reaction, followed by the classic laugh track. (Props are due to Blogulator friend Paal for helping me nail this one down with his groundbreaking comment from yesterday's post).

So producers, remember this: just because they write the show doesn't mean you can't make them write it better. And animals are the key to your future domination--err, success.

P.S. More songs from 2007 to look back on, countdown style, here!

This entry was posted by chris, on Thursday, February 14, 2008. You can leave your response.