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The Oscars of the Sports World

Well, tonight was one of the biggest nights in history. A huge upset was pulled off -- all of America was shocked, as the odds were against this event happening that ended up happening. Yes, that's right -- lizards did, indeed, dance to Michael Jackson's "Thriller" in a commercial.

I know, I goofed you all -- you thought I was going to talk about the New York Little Giants defeating the New England Patriots. Maybe I was going to make a reference to the movie Little Giants starring Rick Moranis and Ed O'Neill. Maybe I was going to somehow work in an obscure reference to the fact that there are now two 3-D concert movies in theaters, starring U2 and Hannah Montana and maybe tie in a joke about how old Tom Petty is. It would be topical because Tom Petty played at the Super Bowl halftime show. But tonight, the night of the Super Bowl, the Oscars of the Sports World, we witnessed a truly epic group of commercials. We laughed, we cried, we reveled in all of the obscure, antiquated references. And because we at the Blogulator care, I gave awards. That's right -- you won't need to consult your USA Today guide to the Winners and Losers of Super Bowl advertising today -- we break it all out for you right here.

Best Commercial Featuring Anthropomorphic Animals: There were, as far as we counted, three anthropomorphic animal-themed commercials. Bridgestone Tires tackled the always hilarious combination of a screaming squirrel and a screaming person; Budweiser tackled horses training for work as a Clydesdale horse like Rocky III; and, of course, lizards danced about LifeWater to Michael Jackson's "Thriller". Frankly, I was expecting a little more from the anthropomorphic animal category -- none of the animals in these commercials talked. So, the winner will have to go to one of the two antiqued references -- Budweiser's Clydesdale Horses training like Rocky in Rocky III takes home this year's award.

Best Example of Sexy/Sexist Advertising: Bud Light, a constant purveyor in the legitimacy of sexism in America, in a category frequently tested in Super Bowl advertising, tastelessly as ever tackled the subject of wine and cheese parties. I mean, dudes hate wine and cheese, especially when chicks bring the dudes to the parties and force them to be all fancy and stuff. But, dudes do love BEER! They had beer hidden in their fake cheese, you see. Frankly, I would choose a different beer to sneak in, were I to feel the need to sneak beer into a wine and cheese party hosted by chicks. But most dudes feeling the need to sneak in beer to a chick wine and cheese party would probably bring Bud Light. Other ads in this category included GoDaddy.com's tease of Indy Car racer Danica Miller taking off her clothes (because a female athlete isn't worthwhile unless she takes off her clothes!), CareerBuilding.com, in which a heart popped out of a woman's shirt that kind of looked like a breast, and an ugly woman (yeah she was ugly, she had a unibrow) who guys liked because she rubbed Planters peanuts on herself. The other three nominees either completely lacked humanity (Planters; GoDaddy.com) or were vague enough to hand the Sexy/Sexist advertisement title to Bud Light.

Most Racist Commercial: This category had to be invented to satisfy two different advertisements that didn't fit into any other categories. Bud Light -- again, a master of offensive advertising, pulled in Carlos Mencia teaching other stereotypes on how to get with hot women. The sexist angle wasn't quite as strong as the racist angle, showing how people with Indian accents generally have trouble with hot women. SalesGenie.com, however, was more straight-up racist with its advertising, showing a man with a silly Indian accent being successful in his job by using SalesGenie.com, undoubtedly another dot-com that will go out of business in the next six months. The title for the inaugural Racist category goes to SalesGenie.com.

Best Antiquated Reference: This year's major category of Super Bowl advertising had to be antiquated references. There was a surprisingly large number of antiquated pop culture references this year -- the aforementioned Budweiser horses training to Rocky III; a PepsiMax commercial that referenced A Night at the Roxbury (and ALSO featured Chris Kattan); the dancing lizard "Thriller" commercial; Audi spoofing on the murdered horse scene in The Godfather; and, Charles Barkley (with the Miami Heat's Dwayne Wade) as Charles Barkely. Budweiser's Rocky III felt like its been done before, lizards dancing to "Thriller" was soooo 1998 "Ally McBeal"; referencing A Night at the Roxbury is actually worse than referencing Austin Powers; and as much as referencing The Godfather is alright, I do not like luxury vehicles that murder other luxury vehicles-- it makes me feel icky, not cool like "Dexter" does. Charles Barkley, however, is a classic, and thus wins his own award as an antiquated reference.

See all of these ads and more at www.myspace.com/superbowlads.

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  1. Blogger DoktorPeace | 2:18 AM |  

    Don't forget the SalesGenie.com commercial with the panda bears who talk like Chinamen do wing wong ding dong!

    Seriously, I could not believe that commercial was allowed on air. Neither could my mom. That was Looney Tunes circa 1940.

    Anyone who owns stock in this company needs to sell now. To me! I'm buying because I hate my Chinese friends!

  2. Blogger DoktorPeace | 3:47 AM |  

    I of course looked up the "too hot" Danica Patrick commercial. Either it was banned because it made a horrible "beaver" pun, or it wasn't banned but claimed it was to get people to the site. If the former is true (and regardless), I think this year's commercials identify an interesting disconnect between the generation that runs the FCC/media and the kidz. The powers that be dread another millisecond of nipple, but they allow the SalesGenie crap on the air because it mocks the gentler minorities (aka the non-blacks, aka the ones who didn't already shame them in front of the world). This is my generalized point:

    Talk to old people. They love to blab about how phone reps are always Indian, regardless of the fact that they are Indian largely as a result of American corporate choice. Racial stereotypes (straight up stereotypes, not self-analyzing conscious satire of stereotypes) still qualify as good humor to these people. Meanwhile, sex jokes - based upon one of the core instincts inherent in our animality - somehow still manage to shock. Young people throw penises and vaginas everywhere, and no one really notices. The only reaction most people my age would have to Danica Patrick talking about beavers would be "boo." A horrible pun on a dying slang term.

    Does anyone get what I'm trying to say? The standards of whoever administers commercial rights are completely screwy! I think that's what I tried to say...

    Anyway, I'm going to see Rambo today! Go Rambo! Kill all those (insert niche Southeast Asian minority here)!

  3. Blogger chris | 10:20 AM |  

    I love that both of these comments were published in the middle of the night. The Doktor is IN!

  4. Blogger P. Arty | 10:24 AM |  

    More math related posts and comments please!!

  5. Blogger Sean | 10:51 AM |  

    Way to stereotype old people. Damn old people. They're the worst at everything.

  6. Blogger Lady Amy | 12:07 PM |  

    Didn't the Doktor just get a real job?

    Job + 3:47 am posting = tired at work

  7. Blogger katherinemarie | 12:17 PM |  

    what about the victoria secret commercial, qualler. i thought that was pretty sexy.

    it went something like

    the superbowl is just a precurser

    to what you can do after the superbowl

    if your wife/gf/fwb has hot stuff from victoria's secret

    something like that.

  8. Blogger katherinemarie | 12:19 PM |  

    that night at the roxbury ad was so lame until chris kattan showed up.

  9. Blogger katherinemarie | 12:27 PM |  

    forget about awards, quwaller, what was your FAVORITE commercial.

    mine? you ask?

    def the talking baby one. what was he selling? some internet based investement something something.

    the one with the clown.

    http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=27487048

    this animated baby is so much ahead of that obnoxious alley mcbeal dancing baby from ages ago

    (i tried to find a link but all i got were obnoxious things and pop ups but you all remember what i'm talking about anyway and now i have to go do stupid work)

  10. Blogger Unknown | 1:11 PM |  

    Charles Barkley was my favorite! Who doesn't love Charles Barkley? Oh yeah, and I genuinely LOL'ed at the dalmation touching the hoof of the horse in the Budweiser commercial. I'm a sucker for cross-culturalization of animals, especially if they're not doing something obnoxious (dancing, screaming, pooping, etc.)

  11. Blogger DoktorPeace | 4:12 PM |  

    The Doktor will begin his work next week, once the big penicillin shipment comes in from Buffalo Springs. Queue up your illnesses now.

    Old people smell, too.

  12. Blogger DoktorPeace | 4:32 PM |  

    Wait! Don't forget the commercial where Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts jumpstarts a car with his nipples. It's good to see that guy still getting quality work.

  13. Blogger Brigitte | 4:47 PM |  

    oh yeah! Donkey Lips!!

    I was happy to see he's getting work.

  14. Blogger chris | 4:52 PM |  

    Yeah, does that count as an anthropomorphic animal ad? Because his name (probably on his birth certificate) is Donkey Lips?

  15. Anonymous Anonymous | 5:16 PM |  

    These commercials would have been way better if they weren't so "Our market research shows that America will like this"-esque, rather than just actually trying to be original and funny.

    Clowns are creepy?? hahahaha! wait I already knew that. And a talking baby! Wow, nobody has ever done that before (LOOK WHO'S TALKING OR THAT SUB COMMERCIAL OR A MILLION OTHER THINGS)

    Wouldn't it be funny if someone breathed fire? I bet it really gets out of control when he sneezes! OMG!

    Hey, what if a Carrier Pigeon actually carried things? And then became really huge and started attacking people too? Maybe your next form of service could be a Blue Jay, except that it's actually a guy named Jay who is a member of Blue Man Group and always wears that blue paint.

    Carlos Mencia is racist? Guffaw! Although I do admit that when the Russian guy said "We make sandwich, I am meat!", that was the only time I legitimately laughed.

    Worst Super Bowl commercials EVER.

  16. Anonymous Anonymous | 5:28 PM |  

    A correction is needed! A Night at the Roxbury is an extension of a classic SNL skit.

    Skit = good
    Movie = bad

  17. Blogger katherinemarie | 6:39 PM |  

    i think even if you wish to remian anonymous you should make up a pseudonym.

    you could be anyone. dr. spock, lindsay lohan, the little mermaid, etc. etc.

    also, it was the computer generated baby's delivery that was funny lq. watch out, i know where you live


    wait, do i?

  18. Blogger katherinemarie | 6:43 PM |  

    oh and also,

    i too really enjoyed when the dog and the horse high fived.

    those stupid horse budweiser ads always seemed dumb to me.

    but this one was cute

    also, isn't there a miller commercial with a dalmation?

    that's sort of interesting. . .

  19. Blogger Unknown | 10:54 PM |  

    Referencing either the skit or the movie isn't all that clever in my book!

  20. Blogger Dave | 5:07 PM |  

    Oh, la dee da, look at me, I point out that it's sexist that guys sneak beer into a party inside of cheese. Well I've got news for you, Qualler - I do this

    ALL

    THE

    TIME.

    That commercial was a biographical narrative of my LIFE. You just called my LIFE sexist. What if I said it was racist to be Qualler? "Oh my, that guy is being Qualler - how racist!" I'd say. I bet that wouldn't sit so well, would it?

    LEAVE ME ALONE SO I CAN SNEAK MORE BEER INTO PARTIES INSIDE OF CHEESE

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