February's Not Looking Much Better, Folks

When I discussed the state of the multiplex during the first month of this new year, I subtly made the silly implication that January was where all terrible ideas that became terrible movies went to die. It was kind of like a time-out corner, where the rest of the class didn't have to let these movies be a distraction during the learning process, they could just pretend it was normal and say to themselves, "well that's what January's for, I guess." Yes, in the world of movies, January seemed like the only place where producers and studio execs could realize the error of their ways and find a neat little corner of the rug to sweep the junk under, hoping so much that no one would notice, because hey, there will be good mainstream cinema coming out in February! As if it were that easy.

The strange thing is, if it weren't a watchful eye (read: paranoid delusions), the film-going public might just ease into February without ever noticing that the same crappy movies were coming out during this month that were coming out the month prior. Yes, in fact, January and February may only be separable by name - when we're talking movies, they're indeed exactly the same. And if yours truly didn't come back to you the readers to reveal this release schedule trickery, I would feel layers beyond layers of guilt, as if my silence would be translated to espousing the ongoing releasing of terrible film.

Starting first and foremost with the oh-so-bland "don't worry about me, I'm just a treasure movie" Fool's Gold, coming out this very day. You see the commercials on TV, and most of the time Kate Hudson's flat golden face just smiles at you saying, "tee hee I have a movie coming out, but no big deal!" No reason to make a tiff, right? Then you keep seeing this commercial and you begin to realize that not only does it also star the inventor of "bromance" Matthew McConaughey, but it is indeed a TREASURE movie. Where bumbling people search for a TREASURE. As if this is a sea of early morning animated children's programming and we're all lobotomy patients with excretion issues, not actual adults with actual fully capable brains.

Of course it doesn't stop there. Paris Hilton gets a free pass with The Hottie and the Nottie because naturally, she's just a vapid bouillon of fluff, nothing dangerous. Society's gotta have that ineffably dense being that everyone realizes just takes up space in an otherwise genuine world, but still accepts because "that's America." So when she has a movie come out that has a ridiculous title yet comes hot off the tails of The Eye and Meet the Spartans, it seems like everything is ho hum, just having a regular February here, more of the same. Apathy is not the answer, people! Especially when we also have Ryan Reynolds trying to act like a dad to Olive from Little Miss Sunshine named after an Oasis song (Definitely, Maybe)! Or yet another Will Ferrell sports parody (Semi-Pro) that will undoubtedly hit #1 at the box office, but everyone will know going into it that they've seen and heard every joke it could possibly have to offer! Or Samuel L. Jackson looking like Wesley Snipes in Demolition Man in a movie essentially about Hiro from Heroes, except without the charm and wonder (Jumper)! Need I even mention another Larry the Cable Guy movie (Witless Protection)? Oh my does it ever feel like January all over again...

Then again, I guess it's not all fiery lasciviousness and licentiousness: I'll give The Spiderwick Chronicles a begrudging pass regardless of Hollywood's insistence on nothing but Narnia-redux for today's children. Also the trailers for Step Up 2, in all its un-necessity, still wow me with dance moves that render me speechless, so I can't say it's totally worthless. Vantage Point looks like a C-grade thriller along the lines of the forgettable The Sentinel, but at least it looks entertaining in a cheeky kind of way. The Other Boleyn Girl emphasizes the old clothes procedural, but at least that's easy to ignore. So that seems to only leave the two possible movies that have any potential: Be Kind Rewind and Penelope, two movies that have been shelved numerous times for the past year, which also doesn't bode well. So is there any hope on the horizon? I'll let you answer that very NOT rhetorical question for yourself.

P.S. Once again, escape the badness of movies and relive the excellence of music in 2007 by looking at my yearly countdown of the year's best songs.

This entry was posted by chris, on Thursday, February 07, 2008. You can leave your response.