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michael mann makes me eat too much and have many naptimes.

i have been made aware of people claiming "boo hoo the world is going to end because chris of chris and qualler's pop culture blogulator likes every movie he watches." well i'm here to tell you that just because i happened to watch united 93 and the fountain back-to-back last weekend, and happened to like both of them, i assure you i watched some crap this weekend and got all fumey to make up for it. the hot new dvd release miami vice has been called "sizzling" and "sexy," yet all it did for me was make me eat and take naps. much like every michael mann movie i've ever seen, including the good ones. let's have a retrospective:

last of the mohicans: i remember watching it with my mom and whenever i wasn't asleep, i was eating oboise's potato chips. they were like tato skin chips, but with bubbles. they were AWESOME. and daniel day lewis was daniel day losing my attention to bubbly snackeroos. snacks: A+. movie: D+.

heat: the only michael mann movie i've watched twice and fell in love with it the 2nd time (and stayed awake the whole time). the first time, however, i was eating those tiny cream puffs at the drax's house during one of our many middle school sleepovers where we watched movies, filmed movie spoofs, and gave each other quizzes about movies. we had so many girlfriends. snacks: B+. movie: A.

the insider: saw this in the theaters. i remember the drax snuck in a can of soda and opened it and it was SO loud. oh and we weren't 17 yet so my nerves were SHOT cuz we TOTALLY snuck in!!! i ate tons of lemonheads to distract my fear of getting caught. and this was the last movie i would see starring russell crowe that i would enjoy on any level. too many lemonheads makes your mouth feel like ashes. snacks: B-. movie: A-.

collateral: wow talk about forgettable. a high profile movie with a straight-to-video plot and a dumb oscar nominee that will someday beget tommy davidson's oscar nomination. but man oh man i sure did drink some ice water. sweet delicious ice + water combo. that hit the spot. i was SO bored. snacks: C+. movie: F.

miami vice: my stomach cringed as soon as i pressed "complete order" the redbox-ish hollywood video vending machine at my local grocery store. "i knew i should have gotten the omen," i thought to myself. get ready to fall asleep at 9pm, polley. i get home and my girlfriend's studying for her law exam and says to me, "wait, so it's not a kitschy homage to the 80s show? well then i definitely don't care you're watching it without me." so i immediately head for the kitchen cupboard because i know i'll need food to keep me awake. hmmm i do love saltines, but i'm in the mood for cheese, not peanut butter. cheese curds and crackers? does that work? well it's gonna have to. 33 minutes later, my stomach's about to burst and i immediately fall asleep as soon as i stop eating. i wake up and it's 10.30pm. i'm very awake. well, this time let's try peanut butter. i stay awake for 45 more minutes and still nothing has happened in this chrome testicle of a movie. and yes, colin farrell is worse than russell crowe. or are they the same person? when i was awake and no one was talking in the movie, it was pretty though. snacks: C-. movie: D.

luckily i also saw for your consideration yesterday, which was more than satisfactory. but you people obviously don't care when i like things, so bug off and everything is the pits.

  1. Blogger Dave | 9:29 AM |  

    So now you have to go deep into your childhood to think of a movie you didn't like? You DO love everything! That's awesome.

    Hey, I have a suggestion for the Blogulator: Could you guys put a little byline at the top of posts so I know who wrote them? Cuz I find myself usually having to scroll down after the first couple of sentences to see who wrote the post so I know whose voice to imagine saying things.

  2. Blogger qualler | 9:36 AM |  

    Uh, Dave, you can also a)look at the byline on the bottom of the post or b)notice that I use capital letters and Chris doesn't. Duhhhh! And if you think you've seen movie likin' around these parts, you ain't seen nothin' yet when my new post drops like a mofo later today/tomorrow!

  3. Blogger chris | 10:14 AM |  

    yeah wow you haven't caught on to the capital letters dealy? hellloooooo!!! and wah wah wah i have to scroll down the screen half an inch and it wastes SO much time!!! i think it would waste MY time AND be redundant to put a byline at the top when BAM! you got a "posted by" at the bottom of the post.

    geeze, readers, we're not here to serve you.

  4. Blogger nicole | 11:49 AM |  

    I think it's cute that you snuck into "The Insider," which was rated R for smoldering Russel Crowe gazes of indignation and a few bad words about big tobacco.

  5. Blogger Andrew | 2:42 PM |  

    While overall "Miami Vice" was about 2 hours too long, there was an enjoyable use of handheld video cameras during several scenes. Cinema veritae!

    plus-my review of "little miss sunshine" will be forthcoming later this week

  6. Blogger Dan | 11:01 PM |  

    How can you not like Collateral? You're crazy!

  7. Blogger Daniel | 7:10 AM |  

    Be warned Chris Polley, I am going to kill you... Collateral is beyond genius, beyond.

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