cartoons and pornos are all based on regular movies.

So I was at the video store last night, looking for some movies to watch with Will and Paal "I'm Actually The Lead Singer Of The Ferd" Harstad, when I found some incredible video cassettes that I had never imagined could actually exist. That's right: AN ANIMATED SERIES BASED ON BACK TO THE FUTURE. I think at that moment, when I found those video cassettes, my life had just opened up to a million different possibilities. I grew up on shows like these! Naturally, I ran the numbers in IMDb and checked if this was indeed a real thing, or if it was just a figment of my imagination. It's real.

As an avid watcher of other animated series based on TV shows, movies, and video games (i.e. "Muppet Babies", "Slimer and the Real Ghostbusters", "The Super Mario Bros. Super Show"), I honestly cannot believe that this wonderful-looking series passed me by. Based on this search, Christopher Lloyd was too busy being an Angel in the Outfield to provide the voice for Doc, so, naturally, everyone's favorite substitute voice, Dan Castellaneta (Homer Simpson, The Genie in Aladdin sequel Return of Jafar) provides it. To see if I had missed out on any other Back To The Future-related media events, I ran the numbers again in IMDb. These are the only other titles that may relate to the late great trilogy:

Backside to the Future (1986) (V)
Backside to the Future II (1987) (V)
Black to the Future (1986)
Looking Back at the Future (2006)
Back to Nature; or, The Best Man Wins (1910)
Marching Out of Time (1993) aka "Back to the Fuehrer" - (English title) (video title)
Yari Yari: Black Women Writers and the Future (1999)
Back to the Black Lagoon: A Creature Chronicle (2000) (V)
Back to Hannibal: The Return of Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn (1990) (TV)

As you might guess, the first three in that list are of the "adult" persuasion. I think, for completists sake, I need to see all of them, though. (ESPECIALLY "Black to the Future".) Who's with me?

On a side note, I realized, while strongly suggesting the rental of the aforementioned series, that I DON'T KNOW HOW TO PICK A GOOD MOVIE ANYMORE. Seriously. This whole summer, Chris, Brigitte and I rented movies that we thought would be horrible enough to have a good laugh at -- including classics like Funky Monkey -- and now, when I go to the video store, I suggest titles like The Ring Two, Mindhunters, and, of course, Saw.

Which reminds me -- CHRIS, NERDFLIX MINDHUNTERS IMMEDIATELY.

qualler out.

eatin' nachos, post-punk'd, and other uses of the apostrophe.

this past wednesday night at the u.s. bank theater, which is just 1/3 of the timberwolves' turf the target center covered in fancy black fabric and ginormous americanized chinese lanterns hanging from the ceiling, i attended my first concert where i was officially more interested in the audience than i was the band playing onstage.

on a similar note, last time qualler and i went to see glasgow's gang of 4 paal harstads, franz ferdinand, qualler saw someone coming out of the bathroom at the fine line with his collar popped and qualler thought to himself, "what a douche." later that night that "douche" took the stage and rocked many of our socks off in an angular fashion.

a little over a year later, qualler and i go see the ferd (big ups to soviet panda for letting me in on that lingo) with the sole intent to blog the shit out of the event. i mean, c'mon just check out this picture. they scream out "blog me!" in even the most subtle of their press photos.



what the archdukes do not know, however, is that the pop culture blogulator is an equal opportunity blogulator. therefore i would like to shine the spotlight on another delightfully salty and mostly synthetic snackeroo, NACHOS.



now, i don't know about you, but when i worked at my local arthouse cineplex (yes it claimed to be both, let it go) in high school, i couldn't get enough of that fake cheese, until of course, i did get enough. i got sick and had to wash away the sodium blast with a nice pink lemonade/sierra mist blend many a time. likewise, a year-and-a-half ago, i could not sick of the smirking scotsmen franz ferdinand. their self-released full-length debut had everything i wanted: lyrics i could shout along with, computerized yet humanely jagged riffs, and the "indie couture" reputation that made it even more okay to like it.

finally in september 2005 my musical pink-lemonade/sierra mist blend is now the why? record. i put the new franz single on repeat, feel my tummy rumble, and put back on elephant eyelash. simple as that. franz hasn't toppled my world the way nada surf has, until of course i witness it for my very own eyes at a place where i actually COULD eat nachos AND watch some faux-post-punk simultaneously if i wanted to. now that, sir, is an opportunity covered in yummy-grossness.

so as i watch teenagers, fratboys, and 30-somethings watch quietly, whip out their camera phone, or do the cabbage patch to "take me out" and its seven variants, i realize something. again, not earth-shattering, but comforting to have hit me gently: the ferd is a proud timeless (not in a good way) facsimile of multiple entire cultures i never experienced first-hand. from arena rock to the actual post-punk movement, this is all just a very well-done reinterpretation of it, and i really can't fall in love with it or knock it. it's both funny and genuinely enjoyable on the surface, and postmodernly blaze if you dig any deeper.

oh well, i'm still vaguely hungry for fake cheese and canned jalopenos.

I don't wanna do homework...

…so I’m writing about things that are on TV right now.

On TNT – The Mask

Man oh man, this movie really is shitty, isn’t it? I remember when I was ten and I was totally psyched to see Jim Carrey after Ace Ventura came out and be totally wacky. But there are so many things you can look at now and say “What the frick!” For example:

• Jim Carrey’s love interest is Cameron Diaz. Totally smoking hot chick teamed up with a goon who wears a mask and becomes a cartoon character. I’m not saying it can’t happen, I’m just saying, it…can’t happen.


• It’s not funny.


• It’s made for ten year olds. I guess that’s why I liked it when I was ten.

On MTV – Laguna Beach

This is the only show on television that can turn a completely boring and meaningless conversation into a “dramatic” “turning” “point”. At the end of one episode, a girl was talking to a guy and literally, they said maybe five words to each other. Cue the Avril Lavigne music, and BAM! You’ve got yourself a dramatic moment. I can’t tell if this show is the beginning of the end of the world or the dawn of one of the greatest television parodies of all time.

On Comedy Central – Wayne’s World 2

Still awesome. Need to buy it on DVD.

On TBS – The Waterboy

Worst. Movie. Ever.

UPDATE:
On ABC -- My Big Fat Greek Wedding

WORST. MOVIE. EVER.

Live - Sufjan Stevens, First Avenue, Minneapolis, MN -- September 18, 2005

Sufjan Stevens. Ah, what a man. I knew he was brilliant, but his concert on Sunday, September 18 at First Avenue was, oh, I don’t know, SPECTACULAR. Mr. Stevens, on his “Come On Feel the Illinoise!” tour, in support of his stellar album Illinois, came onstage with his band, this time around branded the Illinoisemakers, donning a full star-spangled banner uniform, complete with rainbow-colored suspenders and a Chicago Cubs hat (to reprezentz the Illinoiz, yo).

Through the opening song, I had a smile that I couldn’t wipe off of my face. They opened with a new arrangement, talking about all 50 states (as Illinois is only part two of his proposed 50 states, 50 albums project), and naturally, his mention of Minnesota got the biggest cheer. The Illinoisemakers, as you can see in the above photo, were decked out in Illinois cheerleader uniforms. This made for some most excellent cheers that they performed between songs. Damn, chicks with guitars and cheerleader uniforms are HOT!

Surprisingly, one of the highlights of the show was an incredibly beautiful new arrangement of “The Star-Spangled Banner”. One of the things I love about Sufjan is his absolute earnestness – it’s “hip” to be doing wacky things onstage, but beneath the cool-as-crap stage persona, you can tell he has a true passion for the folklore and history of America, and a true love for our country.


Other musical highlights included “Jacksonville”, “He Woke Me Up Again” (from Seven Swans) and “They Are Zombies! They Are Neighbors! They Have Come Back From The Dead! Run For Your Lives!! Ahhhhh!!!” (The third musical highlight partially based on song title alone.)

Near the end of the show, the band did a human pyramid. That’s right, a HUMAN FREAKING PYRAMID! This goes without any explanation as to why it is genius.


For an encore, a club full of Minnesotans chanted “ILL-I-NOIS! ILL-I-NOIS!” I’m certain that Mr. Stevens is the only man on the planet who could inspire a bunch of Minnesota natives to chant the home state of those FIBs themselves (Fucking Illinois Bastards). In fact, the concert (and album) actually makes me kinda like the state. Make me love Wisconsin like I love Illinois after listening to your songs, Sufjan, and you will be the most influential person on the planet.

In a year when a shitload of brilliant albums have come out (Wilderness by Wilderness, Elephant Eyelash by Why? Picaresque by The Decemberists, Underwater Cinematographer by The Most Serene Republic), Illinois is far and away the most brilliant of the year. I’ve listened to it about 10 more times since the concert, and each time I find something new and wonderful about it. Sufjan Stevens, I want you in a totally hetero way. Or whatever you’re into, really – I’ll do it for you.

Sufjan Stevens…I love you.

but kevin, gardens cannot grow with such high winds.

i only have a few minutes to post, but this is important.

everyone's been crying fats domino this alex chilton that, but when i got to thinking about new orleans popular recording artists, i JUST thought a couple hours ago...

WHERE ARE OUR BELOVED 90s EMOTIVE FRATBOY POP-ROCK HEROES BETTER THAN EZRA????

are THEY okay? oh please dear gods of nature, you have not taken from us those that have already run through the wet grass and fallen a step behind...please i pray you have not asked them to do this again!!!

our (hopefully qualler backs me on this) hearts go out to you, declarants of a time when it was good to live with you ohhhh:

kevin griffin
tom drummond
travis mcnabb

your allmusic discography proclaims an upcoming release entitled "eggnog sing-a-long." please katrina, if you have any mercy, you will allow this fruitful prospect to materialize in the near future by leaving be our kind friends of dj swamp.

may they always pack a lifetime of discourse and fake strings into 3 and a half minutes.

wacky hair = mildly wacky movies.

i hate to have 2 posts in a row comparing my former self with my present self, but maybe if things like chris o'donnell appearing at the emmys didn't happen, i wouldn't have to. in order to adequately pick apart tim burton's "remember me?" effort of 2005, CORPSE BRIDE, we must look at chris circa his "why doesn't anyone else want to go see sponge in concert with me?" phase. yes, once again we return to the magnificent year that is 1996. we will then work non-chronologically from this point.

due to lack of topographical capabilities on these viewing machines, i will construct for yee a word-map of my former 12-year-old brain directly after seeing the wonder that is 1996's MARS ATTACKS!:

part of my brain's thinking: "ha! the aliens are killing celebrities!"
part of my brain's thinking: "wow tim burton is WEIRD."
part of my brain's thinking: "more movies should have exclamation points in their names."
part of my brain's thinking: "i wish martin short got more credit. i really love that movie where he plays a child."
part of my brain's thinking: "i want to explore natalie portman's body."
part of my brain's thinking: "why aren't more movies LIKE this?"

9 years later, i think about that last comment and attempt to respond to it with the help of CORPSE BRIDE. (other modern pop culture conundrums such as jiminy glick and episode 3 have helped me respond to the others). as i watch NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS 2, err CORPSE BRIDE, I found myself semi-entranced by Tim Burton's uncanny ability to craft cutesy story and morbid existentialism into one fancy package and wanting more movies to be able to cross-promote across audiences, but not for the same reasons (obviously) as when I was a child.

regarding tim burton: a young chris would say "i like when it's weird, but not like too weird, you know? cuz then it's just stupid." an older chris would say...well, i'd pretty much say the same thing but feel a lot more jaded and pessimistic because of that pile of steaming killjoy that was BIG FISH. BIG FISH deeply offends me in a way few things in this life do. it's visually breathtaking and narratively manipulative, as that unfriendly word "existentialism" is painfully absent and replaced with the word "warmth."

but that's the thing here people, THEY CAN CO-EXIST. movies like nightmare before christmas, mars attacks! and edward scissorhands have shown us this, while big fish suddenly makes a tim burton fan think (if only for an instance): "maybe it's good he gave up on that dark stuff."

luckily, this whole line of thinking was given the boot when CORPSE BRIDE finally landed. but is redemption a feasible option in pop culture? history has proven the answer to be "mostly no." if it's possible to look at CORPSE BRIDE with only half-looking at the big picture, then tim burton has "returned to form," "gotten his groove back," and done it all with a very simple idea and execution. his posse of danny elfman, helena bonham carter and johnny depp has been with him through thick and thin, so of course they'll be right there for him when he scratches the itch in every 20-something that remembers watching NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS and thinking "wow it's like play-do."

but he has messed his shit up along the way. we can't pretend PLANET OF THE APES didn't happen. i don't have the same brain as i did when i was 12, so i must forcibly enjoy CORPSE BRIDE from a distance. here's a full-body word-map of what i experienced during the film:

part of my arm is thinking: "i will slap christopher's knee in response to the hilarity of an animated sight gag."
part of my foot is thinking: "i will work with christopher's ankle to tap in response to the rhythm of the slightly above average musical numbers."
part of my eye is thinking: "wow it's like play-do and computers mixed together."
part of my ear is thinking: "is that the voice of daddy warbucks?"
part of my brain is thinking: "I WISH I WAS EITHER TWELVE AGAIN OR HAD KIDS TO LIVE THROUGH VICARIOUSLY AT THIS MOMENT."

i think i'm done blogging about things that make me replay the music video of "heart-shaped box" in my head while i'm writing.

The Emmys

Some observations on the Emmy Awards:

Quentin Tarantino directed an episode of CSI?!?!? Hey Quentin, I’ve got another three-letter abbreviation for you: WTF?!?

Man alive, Portia de Rossi is the hottest “lesbian” I’ve ever seen.

I can’t believe Kiefer Sutherland is nominated for Best Actor in a Drama Series. I mean, I love 24, but, c’mon, I don’t watch it for Kiefer’s amazing moments where he screams “DAMMIT!” The fact that ANY of the leads from Six Feet Under were passed over for Mr. Sutherland makes me want to throw up.


Best pairing for award giving: Rachel Bilson (aka Summer from The OC) and Chris “Robin” O’Donnell. Somehow, I actually knew exactly what their banter would be:

Rachel: Hey Chris, I am honored to stand here next to you. When I was young, I had a huge crush on you.
Chris: Thanks Rachel, that makes me feel honored. And…old.
/end witty banter

Jon Stewart and Co., are far and away the most consistently brilliant things on TV, and I’m glad to see them winning some awards right about now.

Now it’s time to go see Sufjan Stevens. I’ll write about that next. Or maybe, just maybe, I’ll take a break and let CHRIS take the reins on Mr. Stevens. Chris? Hello? Uncle Frank? Buzz? Buzz? Uncle Frank? Uncle Frank, is this a joke?

Ah, Hollywood!

Apparently Britney Spears had her baby.

Some of my favorite parts of this story:

The "...Baby One More Time" singer gave birth to a baby boy Wednesday afternoon in Los Angeles. The child is Spears' first, Federline's third. He has two young children from his previous relationship with actress Shar Jackson.

According to U.K.'s Sky News, Spears was considering naming her and Federline's child London, after the British capital, where their romance blossomed.

The 23-year-old Spears recently told Elle that she considered pregnancy "mind-blowing" and "therapeutic--all the secrets from your family come out of the closet."

Ah, Hollywood and its wacky people. Next time I start feeling stressed out, I might knock myself up – you know, cuz getting pregnant is therapeutic.

On a side note, I can’t wait for the new Comedy Central show “The Showbiz Show with David Spade”, debuting tonight. Normally, watching David Spade by himself is like listening to nails against a chalkboard, but his biggest redeeming quality is being a sarcastic dick in Hollywood. 9:30 central time tonight…I know I’ll be all over that one.

jesus surfs irregularly without a board.

if qualler's going to start this shazbot off with a depressing tale of a band breaking his heart (or realizing his heart has grown too exploratory for gibbard and walla's latest opus), i shall respond in like kind.

there once was an AOL screen name called NadaSurfed. behind said screen name sat a skinny 13-year-old dork named yours truly. i scanned the internet for nifty wav files featuring quotes of my favorite films and perused AOL profiles using the keyword "weezer." in fact, there was a time in my life in which this is how i found new music. the more belle & sebastian and sunny day real estate i downloaded from napster, the less and less i listened to bands that i had attempted to follow after the 1997ish demise of alt-rock radio, such as tripping daisy and superdrag.

however, the two bands that i refused to let go of for the longest time were very interesting analogous subjects for what was to become of alt-rock around 2001. throughout high school, weezer was my small circle of friends' secret. it felt like weezer was a piece of pop music's past that was then dispersed to the people that actually loved weezer, not just those who listened on the radio or watched on the mtv. but by the end of high school, what seemed to be a blessing turned into a curse. weezer tours and the show in milwaukee sells out and everyone is humming "hash pipe" at school. what happened?

luckily, nada surf was my secret within a secret. they felt even more personal and close to me than weezer. three or four friends and i went to see them open for the impossibles at a place that held about 50 people and we were seemingly the only ones there not skanking. it was exhilirating. this feeling of being "the only one" really is not only completely ego-centric and snobby, but creates a whole new meaning for music as a headphone art instead of a speaker art. the thrill of feeling like someone is performing, recording, and producing music just for you was more inspiring to me than being at a sold-out show with too many people screaming to be able to hear yourself singing along.

nada surf stayed with me through high school, through college, through finding out about music that i knew was more creative, more artistically valid, more adventurous. but i never once doubted the greatness that was nada surf. it seemed like there was so much more in one nada surf song for me personally than there was in the majority of what i was being exposed to.

finally, this has all caught up to me. the weight is a gift is a very appropriate and still beautiful title for such a painfully mediocre pop-rock record. i feel no personal connection to this band anymore. that realization in itself is both a heavy weight and a rewarding gift. there is nothing here that they have to offer me. moments of "your legs grow" and "in the mirror" hit me in a way that let go did, but nothing like high/low, the proximity effect, north 6th street or the karmic ep. i love let go, but as the title suggests, i did need to be thinking about other things at the time instead of holding onto songs that reminded me of 1996.

right now i need music that does not ignore my past, but uses it as a vehicle for progression, not stagnation. nice try nada surf, but my screen name after was NadaSurfed, because someone had already taken NadaSurfer. hopefully that kid is still with you.

MUSIC, Part I.

I was going to wait for Chris to post before I did it again, but SCREW CHRIS AND HIS NON-INTERNET-NESS (except for when he’s at work) I’M GONNA POST FIRST ANYWAY. Yeah, suck on that one, Chris! Ha ha…ha.

Anyway, I thought a lot about what I wanted to write about in my first official post, and I decided that I would write about everybody’s favorite modern “emo” band, Death Cab For Cutie. Specifically, I wanted to talk about how the new album Plans makes me feel inside. And, I guess it’s appropriate that I talk about my feelings with the new Death Cab record.

Four years ago, in 2001, I started my freshman year of college at the U of M, armed with the love of a handful of bands that I considered to be “my” bands. I was most obsessed with R.E.M. and Radiohead, but I came to college wanting to discover new music that could speak directly to me. Enter: Death Cab for Cutie. I had downloaded The Photo Album and was absolutely entranced by songs like “A Movie Script Ending” and “Debate Exposes Doubt” – how had I never heard this music? At that point, I became an obsessive for Death Cab – not only because I loved their music, but because I wanted it so badly to be “mine”. And for that entire year, they were mine.

Then, things changed.

I don’t know if the turning point for me was the numerous references to the band on The O.C. or if it was the show at First Avenue that was mobbed by 17-year-olds, but this small band that made music that spoke directly to me was suddenly speaking directly to everybody. When Death Cab signed to Atlantic records, I felt like I had been cheated on—what happened to the band that had spoken so directly to me? Now, the end result of this record deal is out. Frankly, Plans is not a horrible record. However, Plans is a painfully mediocre record. While I still admit that I enjoy some of the production value of the record, I just get a feeling deep down that I shouldn’t trust this new version of this band – after all, it was Ben Gibbard himself who had stated in an interview that he just wanted a song that was as big of a hit as Modest Mouse’s “Float On” – not exactly a ringing endorsement for continued art.

But the more I reflect on how a band that had such high standing in my personal preferences could have fallen so hard, the more I realize that maybe it’s not Death Cab who has changed – maybe it’s me. I could go on and on about how Gibbard is sounding more and more like Phil Collins, or how their song titles are more embarrassing than the lyrics I tried to write in high school, or how insincere it is of them to be milking the “indie” angle even while they are signed to Atlantic Freakin’ Records, or that they destroyed one of my favorite songs by them by making “Stability” from The Stability EP into “Stable Song”, but at some point, I just have to accept that maybe they weren’t all that great to begin with.

And although they aren’t “mine” anymore, there are plenty of other bands that are waiting to be made “mine” out there.

and so it begins...

Good day to you, internet world. This is the introductory post by me, Qualler, in the debut of a brand new blog for your internet consumption. I know what you're all asking: "What does this mean for me?" "What can I do to help?" "Another internet blog? Really? Nothing better to do with your time?" Well, kind reader, all you have to do is kick back, relax, and take in all of the wonderful musings by myself and by my esteemed collegue, Chris. So, what's going to happen here?

Chris and I will discuss what we find either good or bad in the world of music, movies, and television. What gives us the authority to make these decisions, you ask? Nothing, really, except for that we both are the types of people who will know who, for example, Patricia Richardson is, as well as three television or film projects in which she has been involved. (If you don't know, she is the mom on television's "Home Improvement", starred on Lifetime's "Strong Medicine", and had a small role in the 1980 Santa slasher-pic, Christmas Evil.) Additionally, Chris has quite a bit of authority on the subject of music, as he is currently the music director of the University of Minnesota's college radio station, Radio K. Among the types of posts you will see here include reviews, charts, and general musings on something we saw and felt obliged to discuss here.

So, with that, let the pretentiousness begin.