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wanna do some whip-its and write a sequel?

i found this tape recorder behind a loose brick in my apartment shortly after i witnessed the gloriousness that is SAW II. it had some blood on it and a note attached labeled "CUH-RISS." the note read, "do not blog this." here's what was on the tape:


SAW II: "okay, so what if we thought up one mouse trap-esque game for the first character to play a la saw numero uno and then do some whip-its and just see what happens?"

"way ahead of you. is vin diesel or the rock available?"

"whoa whoa whoa let's not shoot for the stars. we're holding onto donnie wahlberg by a thread here."

"yeah you're right. there's probably some big muscular dude with a catchy name like 'freddy c' or something just waiting to cut a patch of his own neck off. dude, you're not supposed to eat the whipped cream. AND you're getting it all over the outline."

"(mouth full of whipped cream) that's a print-out of your latest upskirting misadventure. the outline's all up here, man. (points to head). oh man let's have a character do that chubby bunny game until they like...die."

"not bloody enough. how about someone gets shoved into a pit of glass needles that the audience hears break but do not actually break on screen?"

"yeah i guess that's more our style. but oh man i bet that chick from 7th heaven could stuff a SHITLOAD of marshmallows in her mouth, if you catch my drift."

"what? i don't get it. anyway, we only have like 4 hours to write this, so quit minesweeper and open up microsoft words."

"dude, it's word."

"what?"

"word. microsoft word. singular. geeze, do you know ANYTHING?"

"i know we've got to get this movie written so it can get out before any of the other crappy sequels hollywood's got planned."

"name one."


GARFIELD II: "how is j. love even hotter when she's holding a computer animated fat orange cat?"

"dude, you've got a thing for feliiiiines."

"that's not what i meant. i was just...FUCK."

"it's cool, i actually think breckin meyer is insufferably cute."

[awkward "dude" pause]

"think they'll get bill murray back to voice?"

"if they convinced JOEL COHEN to come back as co-writer, anything is possible i guess."

"ooh BOB HOSKINS!!! we should have gotten HIM for saw II! DAMN they're smart."

"fuck human actors. the real question is will they get some fucking U.S. ACRES shit going on in this one. shelldon and wade were the JAM."


I'LL ALWAYS KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER: "but the u.s. acres crew don't got no KNOCKERS. thank the gods of hedonism for jennifer love hewitt and turning her party of five into a party of fun in my pants with her killer running scenes in i know what you did last summer."

"dude, she's not in this third one. absolutely NO competition with saw II. we've got a CHICK ON HEROIN."

"once again i am proven wrong. except for the fact that this movie's got O-freaking-C star ADAM BRODY as its main character. goodbye female audience for the saw franchise."

"whatever dude, i bet he gets it in the movie. he'll probably be listening to some of that wussy deaf cat cutie shit on his ipod and then BAM! icepick to the polo shirt."

"yeah at least we've got some killer rap-rock at the end of our movie. theirs is prolly gonna have some castrated 12-year-old boy singing 'you made my heart bleed...literally' or something."

"oh man remember brandy in the second one though? she totally reprezented. good thing we got the black actor thing covered in saw II."

"yeah don't we have him die like right away and make him out to be a good guy but then it doesn't really matter because he's black and of course he's gonna die?"

"fuck dude i dunno, i watch friends."


UNDER SIEGE 3: "finally a movie with balls. or 'cojones' as i call them."

"tell me about it. and i hear he's fighting some damn-ass muslims this time around too. talk about RELEVANT."

"still not as good of an idea as my pitch two years ago: EXECUTIVE DECISON TOO. oh well i'll never get over that. i had platt behind me and everything."

"whatever dude, segal is going to totally kick some placid-as-fuck ass in this one. and he won't die 45 minutes in. he CAN'T. he's CASEY RYBACK."

"how do you know his character's name? that's like knowing ray liotta's character's name in unlawful entry."

"except they never made unlawful entry 2. DUH. under siege 2: dark territory is probably in my top 5 most watched things on hbo on demand. eric bogosian is probably the best anti-villain ever."

"DUDE. saw II needs and ANTI-VILLAIN."

"i don't even know what an anti-villain is. i'm pretty sure that doesn't exist. i just said it because i love eric bogosian and i like to pretend i was an english major. but you know i totally love audioslave too."

"yeah cornell should look into acting actually. dude. HE should be our anti-villain for saw III. how sweet would that be?"

"i ran out of whipped cream. what do i do now? you got any mr. sketches?"

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  1. Blogger qualler | 9:12 AM |  

    BRAVO!

  2. Blogger DoktorPeace | 5:41 PM |  

    I concur. Definitely in consideration for best movie post of the year. But don't buy a frame for the "A Lot Like Love" callsheet before it's hatched.

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