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Off The Couch And Into The Theater: April 2010

Editor's note: Chris had an unexpected injury today and is spending the night at the hospital after a successful foot/ankle surgery. (He's OK, folks, he's OK.) In his honor, I, Qualler, try my hand at Off The Couch And Into The Theater on his behalf. Wow, this is a lot harder than it looks. Dude is a master blogger and a great friend, and I plan to watch the eff out of Lost with him either in a hospital room or back at his place while he recovers later tonight.

Get well soon, Crisp Jeans!

Apr 2nd: Clash of the Titans (4%) is the third film to feature Sam Worthington in less than a year. It ALSO features the inevitable Ralph Fiennes/Liam Neeson reunion, which still doesn't make me wanna see this combo of Old Clothes and Greek stuff, even if its in 3D. The Last Song (22%) is Miley Cyrus' inevitable "breakthrough" into the dramatic, this time courtesy of the soft hues of Nicholas Sparks, still the holder of the Worlds Douchiest Interview of All Time. Why Did I Get Married Too? (8%) apparently does exist and is not a straight-to-DVD title. Is Chris Rock in this one but wearing glasses for some reason, too? Whoops -- this is not a sequel to I Think I Love My Wife, but instead a sequel to the Tyler Perry film. Police, Adjective, meanwhile, (47%) is not a Police Academy sequel, nor does it feature Steve Guttenberg. Instead, it's a Romanian film written and directed by a young director that is sure to probably not make me nap too hard at the indie theaters.

Apr 9th: Date Night (62%) is shockingly the first time Tina Fey and Steve Carell have worked together and, while it's certain to bring the low-key uncomfortable laffs, is still probably best viewed as a late-night alternative to Skinemax on a Wednesday evening at 11:30 pm than the theater. Letters to God (54%) is about a young boy with cancer who writes letters to God, natch. It's hard to find something that sounds more like it'll make Qualler cry. The Most Dangerous Man in America (22%) is not, in fact, Steve Guttenberg, but is in fact, a guy who kept documents during Watergate. Man, when is Steve Guttenberg ever going to get work again? The Greatest (44%) apparently continues 2010's tradition of one-word overly simplistic titles that started with last month's caper flick Cash, this time by first-time filmmaker Shana Feste and starring the incomparable Caaaaaaaaaarey Mulligan (said by Peter Saarsgard at the Oscars.) Vincere (-594%) is the story of Mussolini's secret lover, which I think might be an intriguing combination of WWII and sweeping romanZZZZZZZZZ.....

Apr 16th: Death at a Funeral (19%) this time actually does feature Chris Rock and, again, is a remake, but this time from the British version that came out in 2007. Cuz, now British movies need to be remade, not just TV shows? Kick-Ass (52%) is getting some mega-buzz and reportedly was a big hit at Comic Con. I probably will catch a few minutes of it some day. The Joneses (44%) stars Demi Moore and David Duchovney as a regular couple (you might say, the folks one might want to keep up with) who encounter secret marketing people. How about some Truman Show for you? The Perfect Game (22%) alas, is not the sequel to the book I wrote in second grade, "The Day the First No-Hitter Was Born", nor is it a perfect sequel to David Fincher's The Game, but instead is a combo of The Sandlot, mixed with a little Little Giants - yes, kids from Mexico playing in the Little League World Series, and owner of the most over-the-top trailer of the year. Can't all baseball movies just be like last year's Sugar? The Red Riding Trilogy (88%) is a sure-fire contender for Movies Qualler Gets Most Geeky About, as it is the British trilogy originally filmed for their Channel 4 and presented in the USA in the movie theaters. I'm a sucker for crime miniseries on the television, so I'll be in the theaters enthusiastically dragging Brigitte, Chris and Lady Amy into their fo-sho naptime.

Apr 23rd: The Losers (22%) features Idris Elba AND Zoe Saldana (TsuTsey in Avatar, that girl in Center Stage) and is based on a comic book, and I still don't care. Man, am I a crab or what? The Back-up Plan (0.2%) is also a career back-up plan for Jennifer Lopez, who hasn't starred in a movie this bland-looking since The Wedding Planner. Yes, I did watch that movie. The whole thing. Please Give (69%) is directed by Nicole Holofcener, who has worked on Bored to Death, Six Feet Under, stars the wonderful Catherine Keener and underrated Oliver Platt (always hamstrung by his Guy From Independence Day Who Might Be The Same As Harvey Fierstein syndrome) that features a lovely naturalistic filming style that might get me to not ask Brigitte if we can start watching Damages on our DVR again. The Secret of Kells (95%), aka the animated movie that was nominated for an Oscar that no one previously knew about, looks absolutely gorgeous and is certain to spark the annual "Hey, I should really get more into animation" feeling I get every year I see another one of these great animated movies.

Apr 30th: A Nightmare on Elm Street (99%) will be seen if only for the following reasons: a) Chris and I in the past have made it a point to see all horror movies that hit the theaters, regardless of how bad they are, and b) my genuine love of Wes Craven's original movie series (and especially Blogulator friend Christine's wonderful obsession with Freddy Krueger). But, there will be so many things that will annoy me (see, it's the 21st century cuz the kids talk to each other on video blogs!) that I'll probably still be pissed. The Cartel (78%) is also a horror movie...showing the horrors of America's broken education system! Hey-oh. I might be the only person who will see this in a double feature. I mean, besides Chris. Hey Chris, this is the same The Cartel that comes out on April 30th, right? The Good Heart (51.000%) just barely swings into the "see it" category by giving Brian Cox what seems like his first ever starring role, despite a goofy-looking Paul Dano playing a homeless, long-haired hospital patient. Brian Cox acting old and cranky is enough to get me into the theater. Finally, Furry Vengeance (102%) is the answer to the question that came up today, "What are we going to do for Chris' bachelor party?" Yes, its got many things in its favor: 1) Brendan Fraser, 2) Animals, such as raccoons, skunks, and birds, wreaking Home Alone style havoc on Fraser's business man character who is destroying the furry animal's home, and 3) Brendan Fraser screaming "MILEY CYRUS!!!!!" followed by coffee HILARIOUSLY splashing in his face in the trailer. This might be the best trailer since Garden State.

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  1. Blogger DoktorPeace | 4:57 PM |  

    Admirable work, Qualler. Your percentages seem lower than Chris's, and, consequently, more realistic. I'm not one to rub salt in someone's wounds, but I think Chris overestimates his likelihood to see movies, and ends up shooting himself in the foot...

  2. Blogger chris | 6:18 PM |  

    Haha Doktor, you're a big fat jerk, you know that? Though you are right that my percentages have become less "Will I See It?" and more "Will I Watch It If Somebody Puts It In Front Of Me?"

    Also, no surgery yet (they decided at the last minute to wait until next week) so I'm just sitting here with six fractures in my left front quadrant.

    Yeah that's weird that that movie The Cartel doesn't seem to be opening anywhere this month besides the Twin Cities (looks like it came out in October most other places) but I will definitely see that. However, by reading the synopsis I'm worried about how (as is the problem with most documentaries) it will illustrate all the negatives of the school system without offering any solutions. Oh well we will see!

  3. Blogger chris | 8:35 PM |  

    Oh also, for posterity's sake, here's the monthly recap of what I actually saw in the past month:

    Hot Tub Time Machine sucked, but included an extended cameo by Crispin Glover, which was awesome. It's basically The Hangover if it were directed by the Farrelly Bros., so imagine two kinds of suck coalescing into one big old ball of it, but with one really awesome recurring joke.

    Shutter Island was fascinating because Scorsese smartly knew he wouldn't be able to follow up The Departed with another Oscar-variety picure, so he tried to get a little bit pulpy, a little bit campy, and very over the top. I thought that despite a few lags, the story was superbly entertaining and the silly ending was handled the best it could have been. It's nothing outstanding, but a solid genre film.

    Cop Out was surprisingly not terrible. That said, it also wasn't memorable. Morgan and Willis play their roles exactly how you'd expect if you're familiar with both actors and the Lethal Weapon movies, but what was surprising is that Kevin Smith didn't make it obviously a Kevin Smith movie. He clearly had reverence for the buddy action genre and so he stayed true to it for the most part, creating a story that's fun for an afternoon larf, but that's it. But that's all it's trying to be. A lot of jokes aren't funny, but neither are the jokes in the 80s cop movies it pays homage to.

  4. Blogger DoktorPeace | 8:49 PM |  

    Chris, you and Wipert have never been so far apart.

    On facebook he both praised Hot Tub and declared he wanted to leave Shutter in media res.

    I don't know who to believe anymore...

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