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Lost Theories from Someone Who Has Never Watched Lost

I've been avoiding this day for six seasons now. Well, five and a half, as Qualler just pointed out. I am finally sitting down to watch the Tuesday night secret club blockbuster into which every conversation I ever try to have devolves that is Lost. I've ignored and avoided most of the Lost crosstalk up to this point, which left me knowing absolutely nothing about the show or the theories or the characters or anything. Fortunately, Qualler, Brigitte, and Chris were patient enough with me to explain who everyone was so I could form my own theories during tonight's episode. Sure, some of you might be thinking that it is waaaaaay too late in the series/season for me to catch up, but I think that actually works in my favor. Isn't it always best to look at stuff with a fresh set of eyes? That's why I'm going to watch tonight's episode and share my Lost theories with you. Maybe you'll gain some insight into your favorite TV show. Here are my Lost theories, based on my first viewing experience:

Asian Couple -- why are they in a hotel? I thought this was an island. The hotel must be the island. In that case, Claire has no excuse not to have taken a shower by now.

Zoe -- looks like Amanda Peet with ugly glasses. I think she's one of Jem's holograms. I'm just waiting for her backing band to show up so she can play a benefit concert for orphan children who need braces.

Keamy (aka - dude with under-eye baggage so big I could fit my whole apartment inside) -- the mob saw potential in him when he was just a young douche bag, slipping roofies in women's drinks at the club. Now he's their number one guy behind Al Pacino.

Charles Widmore -- Caleb Nichol back from the dead! He never had a heart attack, he's been creating smoke monsters to play with by himself on a deserted island until the Lost crew showed up and now he's trying to use said smoke monsters to scare them away. Why won't they please just leave him be?! Soon they'll pull back the curtain and find Caleb pulling a series of levers and talking into a vocoder.

Jin -- He totally stole James Earl Jones' voice and ran away to this island where no one will find him.

Locke -- man, are you creepy looking. I think he doesn't really want to get off the island and is stalling until he can do Claire. It doesn't matter if she's the only one on the island who can't seem to figure out how to bathe, she's still hot.

Sayid -- I recognize him from a weird episode of Law & Order and I always thought that he and Olivia should get it on. He never looked much like a cop so I didn't trust him then and I don't trust him now. But he should still get it on with Olivia. That would be HOTTTT.

Sawyer -- This is Kevin Sorbo's alternate reality personality. That or Hercules traveled through a time portal and ended up on the Lost island. Not sure which.

Claire -- Everyone believes you're really British but I can see right through you. I think you knew how to fly the plane off the island all along but out of sheer laziness you neither showered nor offered to fly.

Ben = boring

Sun (in the island reality) -- Really just a Dancing with the Stars leftover who accidentally danced off the set and onto the island one hour over. Then she fell, hit her head and got amnesia, just like Kelly Taylor did in that episode of 90210.

Ricky Martin -- gay
Pilot Guy -- Not really a pilot. He stole the uniform to get into the pilot's lounge cuz he heard they had Combos in there. Now that he's on the island he's just stalling everyone from going home, hoping that a real pilot will show up. As soon as they pressure him to take off he'll fake a heart attack and play dead.

Countdown Clock to V -- actually just the time left in the one hour a week where Lost fans are too busy to talk about Lost.

V -- The third Lost reality. Only the "real" Lost fans "get it" and also watch this show.

So what have I learned from my first Lost encounter? In one reality, this show is super cool and I need to immediately Netflix it from the beginning - although I may have just spoiled everything by watching this one episode - this S*&# is. SO. GOOD. In the alternate reality, really? THIS is what you guys have been raaaaving about for the last however many damn months/years?~!$#@@!!! Really?! You, reader, get to decide which reality is the one for you. Maybe Lost is really just a high end knock-off of a "Choose Your Own Adventure" book.



  1. Blogger Unspar! | 8:24 AM |  

    I liked that this entry had a lot of pictures.

    Also, does anyone have an old Choose Your Own Adventure book? It'd be fun to try and read those as a slightly-more-educated adult.

  2. Blogger qualler | 9:35 AM |  

    Haha, oh Lady Amy, nice work. I would say that current Lost viewers are just as ambivalent about the flash-sideways scenes as you are, mainly because we don't really know why they're happening. But I would still, still, still highly recommend Netflixing from Season One, because it's still pretty great.

  3. Blogger Papa Thor | 12:43 PM |  

    Unspar!: I'm going to dig up the butterfly choose your adventure that Brigitte worked on when we lived in Texas. It might be too intense for general audiences.
    Lady Amy, I saw parts of a couple episodes of Lost and I can only say I prefer the disjointed story telling of Family Guy.
    I think that since post-modern society has given up on religion they need something to satisfy their craving for nonsensical mythological impressionistic mysteries so they watch Lost and Donnie Darko and tell fart jokes.

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