Lost Theories from Someone Who Has Never Watched Lost

Asian Couple -- why are they in a hotel? I thought this was an island. The hotel must be the island. In that case, Claire has no excuse not to have taken a shower by now.
Zoe -- looks like Amanda Peet with ugly glasses. I think she's one of Jem's holograms. I'm just waiting for her backing band to show up so she can play a benefit concert for orphan children who need braces.

Charles Widmore -- Caleb Nichol back from the dead! He never had a heart attack, he's been creating smoke monsters to play with by himself on a deserted island until the Lost crew showed up and now he's trying to use said smoke monsters to scare them away. Why won't they please just leave him be?! Soon they'll pull back the curtain and find Caleb pulling a series of levers and talking into a vocoder.

Locke -- man, are you creepy looking. I think he doesn't really want to get off the island and is stalling until he can do Claire. It doesn't matter if she's the only one on the island who can't seem to figure out how to bathe, she's still hot.
Sayid -- I recognize him from a weird episode of Law & Order and I always thought that he and Olivia should get it on. He never looked much like a cop so I didn't trust him then and I don't trust him now. But he should still get it on with Olivia. That would be HOTTTT.

Claire -- Everyone believes you're really British but I can see right through you. I think you knew how to fly the plane off the island all along but out of sheer laziness you neither showered nor offered to fly.
Ben = boring
Sun (in the island reality) -- Really just a Dancing with the Stars leftover who accidentally danced off the set and onto the island one hour over. Then she fell, hit her head and got amnesia, just like Kelly Taylor did in that episode of 90210.
Ricky Martin -- gay

Countdown Clock to V -- actually just the time left in the one hour a week where Lost fans are too busy to talk about Lost.
V -- The third Lost reality. Only the "real" Lost fans "get it" and also watch this show.
So what have I learned from my first Lost encounter? In one reality, this show is super cool and I need to immediately Netflix it from the beginning - although I may have just spoiled everything by watching this one episode - this S*&# is. SO. GOOD. In the alternate reality, really? THIS is what you guys have been raaaaving about for the last however many damn months/years?~!$#@@!!! Really?! You, reader, get to decide which reality is the one for you. Maybe Lost is really just a high end knock-off of a "Choose Your Own Adventure" book.

I liked that this entry had a lot of pictures.
Also, does anyone have an old Choose Your Own Adventure book? It'd be fun to try and read those as a slightly-more-educated adult.
Haha, oh Lady Amy, nice work. I would say that current Lost viewers are just as ambivalent about the flash-sideways scenes as you are, mainly because we don't really know why they're happening. But I would still, still, still highly recommend Netflixing from Season One, because it's still pretty great.
Unspar!: I'm going to dig up the butterfly choose your adventure that Brigitte worked on when we lived in Texas. It might be too intense for general audiences.
Lady Amy, I saw parts of a couple episodes of Lost and I can only say I prefer the disjointed story telling of Family Guy.
I think that since post-modern society has given up on religion they need something to satisfy their craving for nonsensical mythological impressionistic mysteries so they watch Lost and Donnie Darko and tell fart jokes.
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