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Stars: They're Nothing Like Us (Coming Out)

Personally, I think American Idol needs to implement its own "Don't Ask Don't Tell" policy. Or maybe it should just be a "don't tell" policy. Not because being gay should be kept a secret, but because quite frankly, it is embarrassing when Idols come out. Take, for example, Adam Lambert, the newest AI runner-up. Despite a fairly conclusive photo scandal of him kissing another man early on in the competition, Adam decided for some reason that now was the time to clear up those rumors. And what better way to come out than with an overly-sexual photo of yourself looking eerily similar to My So Called Life's Rickie Vazquez to grace the cover of newest Rolling Stone? Not only does this pic of Adam (lying in a pile of laundry?) resonate with a hot-homeless vibe, it is symbolic too. The belt of arrows all pointing in the direction of his crotch seems to be asking the question that the public has been yearning to know the answer to. Then there is the snake -- the ultimate symbol of temptation -- sticking its tongue out, also going for the crotch as if to say "sssssssex." Finally, the butterfly. I've got nothing on the butterfly. I have no idea why that would be there, unless it is a sparkly hair barrette meant to symbolize the unexplained sexual attraction little girls have to guys in eyeliner. Whatever is going on in this picture, it is clear that the main attraction here is this man's private parts, which ties in very nicely to the story about his sexuality. Very subtle, Rolling Stone. Very subtle.

Now you may be asking yourself why anyone would be shocked by this news since the photo scandal pretty much should have tipped everyone off. Well, one should never underestimate the power of 12-year-old girl crushes. It's pretty much the fuel that powers American Idol. So it should be no surprise that these tweens have the power to make or break reality. If they want to believe that you're still the one for them even though you wear make-up and kiss other boys, that becomes the truth. If they hate your guts and want you off the show, you bet they are going to form an army of text messagers to vote you off so fast your head will spin. It is no surprise, then, that someone could dodge the gay bullet for the duration of the competition and then bring it all back up after they lose to get a little more mileage out of their runner-up status.

It works. It's the time-tested Idol model. After you lose, come out of the closet so no one forgets who you are. Throw in a baby or a saucy photo and instant magazine cover.

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  1. Blogger qualler | 8:01 AM |  

    I just don't get how when Idol is going on, it's supposed to be exciting and intriguing that the dude "might be gay." WHOA A GAY DUDE I'M TOTALLY SHOCKED! THANKS FOR LIBERATING AMERICA, AMERICAN IDOL! It's like, big deal, so what, who cares? (said in Fred Armison's Joy Behar from The View imitation.)

  2. Blogger Papa Thor | 2:42 PM |  

    Kathy (mama Sif) still denies that Elton John is gay. Me? Once Rosie Oddonnel came out, I refused to go to her musicals, or watch her on tv, or laugh at her jokes, or applaud her self-righteous political diatribes, and her poster went right in the dust-bin. Sorry, I'm just old-fashioned.

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