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New Shows That Won't Make My Eyes Explode in the 2009/2010 Season

Usually as soon as we hear talk of new TV shows for the next fall season, we do a big run-through of every single delectable goodie that will grace our boob tubes in the upcoming months. But because of time constraints and general uppitiness on this grand day of memorialism, I shall only briefly cover the premiering programs that I actually plan on watching. And we're just talking the big networks right now, since they're the only ones that take part in that whole "upfront" spectacle dealy, where they invite the press to expensive galas and talk about how great their next year of programming will be. The majors' fall 2009 lineups (and prepared mid-season replacements) have all been announced and here are all the ones I expect to actually be good...

1) V (2010 Midseason): An expanded version of the legendary miniseries about aliens coming to Earth posing as gentle saviors, only to turn out to be scaly fishy evil things. YouTube it and you'll see some nice production values, but despite its connection to something so reputable (I remember watching it on the Sci-Fi, err ScyFy - sorry, channel back in my youth, but don't recall either liking or disliking it) it still has monumental failure potential unless they A) give it an end date now so they can map it all out ahead of time so it doesn't get into meandering human/alien soap opera territory, or B) ensure that the characters don't bore me to tears like they do in the trailer. Oh and ***SPOILER ALERT FOR THOSE NOT CAUGHT UP ON LOST*** I guess we can assume Juliet is kaput seeing as how she's our main character here. ***END SPOILER***

2) Flash Forward (Fall 2009): It has such a gimmicky premise that it could be the biggest travesty since The Nine or the most brilliant character study since Lost. Something tells me that since the people responsible for this show about people who get a glimpse of the future during a natural catastrophe are David S. Goyer (who co-wrote Batman Begins but also fully wrote Blade) and Brannon Braga (who brought us gems like Enterprise and the hilarious alien drama Threshold starring Carla Gugino and Peter Dinklage), I don't have much faith. Nevertheless, fascinating gimmicks always reel me in at least for a bit, so who knows, gold may be struck if the freshman writing staff is more talented than the show's creators.

3) Parenthood (Fall 2009): Yet another remake, except this time stemming from a Steve Martin family comedy, this goes the usual melodramatic NBC route and throws in Peter Krause, Craig T. Nelson, and Dax Shepard. Yes that is quite the motley bunch and as we follows various members of a family struggling through the different stages of parenthood, we are sure to get boring, sappy, and pretentious every once in a while (every five minutes). But regardless of NBC's propensity toward this social heartstring-pulling, I'm still watching Southland. Why? Because the moral grayness is present enough to keep the characters compelling, and I have faith that they'll be able to pull it off here if they play their cards right.

4) Happy Town (2010 Midseason): Last we have a rip-off of Twin Peaks so much that even though nobody cares about that show that would be their target demographic, they still say "from the network that brought you Twin Peaks" as they begin the trailer for this new show about a murder that sends the otherwise peaceful and quirky titular town into a paranoid weirdo-fest. Except this time the quirks are amp'd up with that signature ABC bells-and-whistles music that lets you know things are quirky at every turn. Oh and it's set in Minnesota. Great. Add the fact that we will certainly not be seeing any dream sequences featuring backwards-talking midgets and that once again THE CHARACTERS LOOK BORING and this will be more of a "let's watch how society has devolved since David Lynch transformed television" experiment rather than me actually looking forward to watching this show. Regardless, I'll be watching. If only because it stars Sam Freaking Neill and Amy Acker from Dollhouse.

So there you have it. Four measly shows. And two of them won't even turn up until January. And basically only the first two I have any actual hope for. And every single one of them fits into either "rip-off" or "remake" categories. So sad. Glee might also be on my list to return to once I check out the pilot online in the upcoming days, but otherwise, no comedies and also only two networks represented here. Well to fill space here's a recently uncovered script I co-wrote with our former Hollywood correspondent The Drax back for a high school audio project. Enjoy...
Pitchman: Little Johnny, did you hear about the return of beta videos?

Johnny: Aren’t they those clunky tapes that can only play eight songs?

Pitchman(forced chuckle): No, Johnny. Don’t confuse beta with eight-tracks. Wrong decade, son.

Johnny: So what are beta videos, Mister?

Pitchman: I’ll tell you what beta videos are! (Begins to talk fast) Beta videos include features such as an increased bandwidth for superior color, stereo sound with BNR noise reduction, durable tape for less wear and tear on your beta tapes (normal rate again) and best of all, they’re smaller!

Johnny: Wow! So what’s on beta?

Pitchman: Well, Johnny, we have such exciting titles as American Gigolo starring Richard Gere, Footloose starring Kevin Bacon, and Police Academy 2 starring Steve Guttenberg. All of these titles and more are available at Beta Barn: across from Eight-Track Emporium at 900 Milwaukee Avenue in Milwaukee.

Johnny: I’ve never heard of those movies!

Pitchman: Oh, Johnny. Will you ever learn?

(Both laugh together)

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  1. Blogger qualler | 9:34 AM |  

    ***SPOILER ALERT*** Pretty sure while trying to avoid actually reading anything regarding Elizabeth Mitchell on V I caught someone saying "No, don't assume that Juliet's a goner now, Elizabeth can still do more than one show." Luckily I have no idea what that means in the context of Lost through three eps of Season Four! ***END SPOIL SPOILZ***

  2. Blogger qualler | 9:37 AM |  

    Oh yeah and Glee is GREAT! Brigitte and I watched it on Saturday morning -- it's a great guilty pleasure that is actually good (mostly). I wish Fox did the right thing and aired it during the summer, cuz who wants to watch a show with a high school glee club performing a way-too-energetic version of "Don't Stop Believing" in January? Hello? This is the perfect summer Saturday morning show!! FOX ARE YOU READING ME?!?!?!?

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