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Stars and Stimulus

Tuesday night President Barack Obama addressed the nation about the failing economy. Basically, it's getting pretty ugly out there. Most of us don’t have jobs anymore; car dealerships are like tiny little deserts in the middle of the city; and banks have repossessed everything but our first-born. But Obama assured us that things are going to start looking up; this whole second-round stimulus is going to do the trick. Now that a package has been agreed upon and approved, we’ve all been wondering what exactly they plan to do with the money and most importantly, how can I get some of it.

I was pondering this very question as I watched Obama speak, and I thought about what I would do with the money. My first reaction was to take the money, put on a fake mustache disguise and run, but I came to the conclusion that that would never work. No, the money should definitely be used on some kind of public good. Since I've got celebrities on the brain pretty much 24/7, and they are a huge part of American culture, I thought why not invest some of that stimulus money in some things that will make our star-gazing better. You know, something everyone can enjoy. Here's my proposal:

1) $200 billion for a cocoon for Danny Boyle

That man needs some serious help transforming into the beautiful butterfly that I know is hiding underneath his caterpillar exterior. Given the success of Slumdog Millionaire, I have a feeling we're going to be seeing a lot more Danny Boyle in the coming years. I just don't want to have to shield my eyes every time the camera cuts to his hairy, goofy half-smile, half-slack jaw face. This figure is an approximation, of course, but I'm guessing to do it right, it will take about $200 billion.

2) $100 billion for Amy Adam's Oscars necklace for Lady Amy?

One small earmark won't hurt. I came up with the plan, shouldn't I get a small reward? Come on! Plus, $787 billion is a lot of money to spend - they can't possibly need all of it for "education" or "small businesses."

3) $150 billion for a sandwich for Micha Barton

Go figure Micha Barton is too skinny again. Why we care, I have no idea, but I figure the least we can do is spare a couple of million to but her a decent meal. Why so much? I figure a) she's very picky and b) she'll probably share said sandwich with all the other anorexic model-actresses who desperately need it.

4) All the rest for TMI training for Rosie O'Donnell

I don't know if TMI training is a real thing, but if it is then Rosie O'Donnell needs them, badly. Rosie is known for her big mouth, and here's a reminder. Most recently, she has been waaaaaaaayyyyyyy too open about "the change." (For the boys in the audience, that's a euphemism for menopause). We don't want to hear about it, Rosie! Combined with all of the other stuff she's made way too public, I think it warrants some action on the part of the government. I'd say getting Rosie O'Donnell to shut up is mission critical to keeping up America's spirits in a recession.

Those are all of my big ideas. We've got to do something about these celebrities if America is really going to emerge stronger. You got something better?

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  1. Blogger chris | 1:20 PM |  

    Danny Boyle should direct a movie about Danny Boyle winning an Oscar, finally earning enough to buy the illustrious "human cocoon" that so few of the priveleged elite are privvy too, and coming out a new beautiful man. Quick to put his face in front of the camera rather than retreat behind it (which he had in the past been forced to do due to his grotesque visage), the negative reviews come tumbling in. Penniless, friendless, but beautiful, what will Boyle do to regain his stardom?

    Written by Charlie Kaufman of course.

  2. Blogger DoktorPeace | 1:24 PM |  

    I'll admit I was a bit starstruck when I first saw what Danny Boy looked like. But he's not that much uglier than people you see and interact with on an everyday basis, is he?

    I mean, I've met most of your moms...

  3. Blogger qualler | 6:47 PM |  

    I can't think of anything better to spend the money on. We need some serious reform in our celebrity behavior in America. Lady Amy for President!

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