Primetime TV: The Worst. Summer Fling. Ever.

I'm not talking the kind of summer fling where you fall so madly in love in a mere two weeks and suddenly have to say goodbye to her. Where even though that ivy down by the main lodge gave you that wicked rash, you just wanted to stay at camp forever - but then kablamo she had to head back to Peoria, you had to start middle school, and both of you had to hang up your French name tags once and for all. "Goodbye Claude," she whispered in your ear as the canoe symbolically tipped over in slow motion and you feigned drowning for a couple minutes. No, this is the kind of summer fling where no dream girl in any capacity goes to that lame French immersion camp with you. In fact, the only kind of companionship you have is with a kid named Mathieu who refuses to wash his hair in the lake like everyone else and punches you in your sleep because you ate a stray Toblerone that you swore was yours. Thusly, I present to you a small taste of what new programs I am dreading the most and what I am looking forward to ruining my summer nights with the most...

Dreading Hardcore: Reality shows that resemble freakshows, other reality shows that have both failed and succeeded in the past, and shows from my childhood before they were called reality shows. Celebrity Circus [NBC] commercials plagued Last Comic Standing (I was in a grading stupor, don't judge me!) tonight and every one of them showed Greg from The Brady Bunch (or Peter, I don't know) falling off a trapeze in a new dramatic angle. Pass. Denise Richards: It's Complicated and Living Lohan [E!] continue with the Scott Baio/Kim Kardashian trend while I just watch Starship Troopers and Mean Girls instead. And finally, Greatest American Dog [CBS] recalls that competitive canine show that was on The Family Channel (before it was ABC Family) when I was little - anyone remember what I'm talking about? This one I might watch at least once just to see adorable puppies, which is why everyone else will watch it, and then we will inevitably get some crossover like Dancing With American Next Top Greatest Dog, which will be legitimately awesome and I will watch much more than just one episode of. But until then...more insufferable reality program to begin this summer: Million Dollar Password, Legally Blonde The Musical:The Search for Elle Woods, Wipeout, Dance Machine, High School Musical: Summer Session, Wanna Bet?, Jingles.

Yeah I'll Watch That. I'll Hate It, But I'll Watch It While Also Semi-Shamefully Eating Brownie Peanut Butter Cup Ice Cream: While the Peter Brady Swinging Like a Middle-Aged Monkey ads were total downers, the ads for Fear Itself [NBC] got me closer to stoked than any other upcoming summer show. It's Are You Afraid of the Dark? for grown-ups! Or The Twilight Zone for the inept modern generation! Either way, both respectable directors (Mary Harron of American Psycho, John Freaking Carpenter of Halloween) and reprehensible ones (Ronny Yu of Bride of Chucky, Ernest Dickerson of Demon Knight) are helming episodes of the show - the first in a long time where a separate story with separate characters will be told with each week. No, it definitely won't be scary, suspenseful, or any good, but one thing I can unequivocally and positively say about it is that I will watch it. I will also watch Swingtown [CBS], which is basically that 70s mini-series from a few years back except in episodic form, probably with self-contained plots (it's CBS after all) that will feel forced, rushed, and vomity. Speaking of vomity, The Baby Borrowers [NBC] and I Survived a Japanese Game Show [ABC] are two reality shows I will actually try to watch and I am fully ready to admit it. The first's tagline is "It's Not TV, It's Birth Control" and gives babies to teenage couples who think they're ready to rear children. Clearly they're just ready to be on TV, but I'll play along and think of my students as I miss them and mock them throughout the summer. The second is self-explanatory and if you've wasted time on YouTube watching clips of crazy nonsensical Japanese game shows, you know why this show will be interesting for at least one episode. I'd also watch these if I had infinite time and/or the SciFi Channel: Celebrity Family Feud, Flashpoint, Charlie Jade.

Pssst the whole list of premiere dates for new summer programming is available via Metacritic here. Check it out and let's talk in the comments about what you're interested in sacrificing sweet sweet outdoor time for this summer!

This entry was posted by chris, on Thursday, May 29, 2008. You can leave your response.