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That's a Sexy Graphic.

Don't be fooled by the use of capital letters. This is indeed the Chris half of the Blogulator, who hasn't blogged in more than a month??? That's inappropriate. Regardless, here I am all dressed up for you in proper capitalization. If you want me to ditch the caps, let me know in the comments - I already feel awkward using the shift key, kinda like a cummerbund riding me and I can't quite get used to it. But this is what happens when you're attempting to make your blog more legit. That's right, fellow Minneapolis and/or pop culture bloggers, we're looking to be your link whore if you'll be ours. Contact us at chrisandqualler[at]gmail[dot]com if you're interested.

So you're probably wondering about these new names up at the top. I'd like to officially welcome two fellow Minneapolitans to the blogulution: Brigitte is Qualler's wifey-to-be (nepotism is everywhere!) and Amy is our good friend/ex-blog hater. But don't ask them to provide "the female perspective" - no sir, whoa boy. That'd be rude. But basically that's what they'll be doing. OMG JK GALS MUCH LOVE! To adequately offset this femininity, a certain ex-blogger living up the life in Hollywood is returning to your monitor this week. Because he's soooo important, what with the constantly casting dead prostitutes for Numb3rs and churchgoers for a new Gabriel Byrne HBO epic drama, many of these updates from the notorious Drax will simply be transcribed weekly phone conversations of me asking him to get angry about something. Nevertheless, it will still be the Drax on your computer again at long last. And he's gotten even more grumpier in the last year than he did during the first 22 years of his life.

I'll be back on Thursday night with some kind of blabbering, but in the meantime, I'd like to giv my brief rundown of TV that Qualler so kindly asked for...

Life: It's the perfect synthesis of the droll addictiveness of Law and Order and some trite mystery serial drama. Plus it's quirky - he eats a lot of fruit and spouts quotes about zen every week! If I wasn't so addicted to watching SVU reruns, this would be yet another F-. Predicted Grade: B-. Actual Grade: B-.

K-Ville: If Brett Ratner remade Beverly Hills Cop III in a post-Katrina New Orleans, but still treated it like it was the amusement park in the Eddie Murphy retread romp, it'd be K-Ville. It was silly of me to think FOX could honor the torn down cultural landmark city with the televised equivalent of the Tracy Jordan movie White Cop Black Cop from 30 Rock. Predicted Grade: B-. Actual Grade: F-.

Back to You: It's like The Office if every joke was told by someone who was very quickly walking by the person they were making fun of, starred two actors that are not relevant in pop culture anymore, and had the budget of your high school's morning video announcements. At least Fred Willard is having fun - you can see in his eyes that he knows he'll only have to be there for a few weeks. Predicted Grade: C. Actual Grade: D-.

Journeyman: I used to watch Sliders and Quantum Leap. Those shows, along with Back to the Future and Stargate, had what's called "camp value." Except Quantum Leap actually transcended the camp many times to become a genuinely good show, showing that time/dimension travel could be genuinely heart-wrenching. Journeyman doesn't even consider camp, which I am thankful for, because finally we can get serious about time/dimension traveling! And it's intriguing as all get out. Predicted Grade: C-. Actual Grade: B.

Gossip Girl: Absolutely breath-taking. Love love love love love it! Predicted Grade: F. Actual Grade: A-.

Chuck: "Your brain is a computer." That's all I have to say about that. Predicted Grade: C+. Actual Grade: F-.

Bionic Woman: I was so bored. Did two teenagers write that pilot in their sleep? Or were they actually excited to film a show where the bare minimum needed to keep the show from going to dead air was all that was written down? Whatever, I didn't need another superhero show anyway. Heroes is more than enough to satiate me. Predicted Grade: A. Actual Grade: F-.

Dirty Sexy Money: Qualler's write-up pretty much hits the target, but he forgets the analogy he initially verbally supplied for me to get me interested in watching the show. It's basically Arrested Development minus the haha funny plus some wow-that-guy's-a-jerk funny. It could go south, but I'm going to be optimistic and say it will be the only new show that ends up being genuinely good. Predicted Grade: C. Actual Grade: B+.

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  1. Blogger nicole | 10:19 PM |  

    Aww...a cumber bun? Maybe someone's not so stylin' all the time (see: manatee tie). It's a cumberbund; there aren't any sweet rolls involved! And if I truly cared to look things up and photoshop something together, I would do it for this and make a cucumber, bunned-out bund.

    In fact, I hope there are cumber buns at the upcoming nuptials, Chris. Yum.

  2. Blogger Dave | 7:59 AM |  

    HOW CAN YOU HAVE LIKED LIFE SO MUCH? If you're handing out F-'s like you're back in the "trouble kids" class, you damn well better slap one on that piece of crap.

    (Great call on Gossip Girl, by the way!!! Sqqqqeeeeeaaaaaalllllll clapclapclapclapclapclap!!!)

  3. Blogger P. Arty | 9:34 AM |  

    Hey, when you were copying Qualler's post you must have missed the section on Reaper. Just a heads up!

    SLAM!

  4. Blogger chris | 3:01 PM |  

    wow, i come back to blogging and this is what i have to deal with?

    1) i'm sorry, the firefox spellcheck isn't flawless obviously.

    2) i thought was clear in saying i realize it's nothing special, yet i still like it because of my svu tendencies. at least i don't watch greek.

    3) qualler asked for my take on the shows, so i delivered. miraculously, we watched many of the same shows. except i fell asleep during reaper.

  5. Blogger Dave | 5:10 PM |  

    Oh man, I wish I could still watch GREEK (it's in all caps, because it's written in Greek letters, like fraternity names). Unfortunately it ended its season a few weeks ago. Did you guys see how Rusty and his girlfriend had so much trouble having sex because of Rusty's super religious roommate?? I know, right?!?

    But back to the point; if it's nothing special, how did it score so far above the other students? It must have cheated, and cheaters never prosper. Boy oh boy did Life suck.

    Now if you'll excuse me I have to go put on my beau Thai for some sort of party.

    (Sorry for all the zingers - there was a big sale.)

  6. Blogger chris | 7:16 PM |  

    oh and i went to change my spelling mistake and it turns out "cumberbund" is incorrect too!!!

    "cummerbund" if anyone was interested.

    dave, you're dead.

  7. Anonymous Anonymous | 8:21 PM |  

    Cumberbund represents a traditionally American etymological phoneme shift towards the easiest thing to pronounce, followed by a change of its spelling in some mainstream media.

    ps- was there only space for two extra friends who write blogs in the blogulator?

  8. Blogger Dave | 8:27 PM |  

    Dear anonymous,
    When begging for a spot in the Blogulator, it is best to provide one's identity.

    Sincerely,
    Dave

  9. Blogger qualler | 8:37 PM |  

    I can assure you -- there will be no buns of any kind involved except for Chris's buns on the dance floor when he does the worm.

  10. Blogger P. Arty | 9:19 AM |  

    Buns on the dance floor? REVERSE WORM!? Oh man, Polley, you would be a GOD.

    JK about the slam dude, I enjoy the multiple perspectives. It's hard to come up with witty responses without being insulting. I'm no HDR!

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