hey academy! be prepared to get called racist and/or homophobic!

i don't have much time, but i wanted to quickly comment on the academy award nominations, specifically those for best picture. we've got: crash, blogback mountain, good night and good luck, capote, and munich. only 2/5 of those movies are completely fictional stories. 3/5 are based on true stories and honestly have no real controversy behind them, so none of them will win. before you head to the comment button, hear me out. let's walk through this, from top to bottom, keeping in mind that at least this year we're not going to have to deal with this jackass...


munich: haven't seen it, don't really care much about it, but i'll probably see it before oscar night. spielbergo really wishes he could muster up more gossip from the viewing public and critics, but the truth is most everyone is either like "what an idiot/snoozefest" or "yeah he totally opens up the complexities that surround terrorism from both points of view," which isn't anything new in movies. let's be honest. every fucking WORTHWHILE war movie talks about the issue of foreign relations, even though it's not specifically terrorism, and honestly, moviegoers are getting tired of it. they get enough of this shit by enduring real life. (turns off annoying state of the union coverage).

good night and good luck: love it. absolutely love its brevity, straightforwardness and old-school acting skillz. and yet, it's still its own movie concentrating on a very important time in american history. but fuck. it's not that it's analogous to what's going on in the world now, because it's not overbearing and constrictive, but it's that it's a quiet film. it's in freaking black and white for the love of crap. nice try clooney. you're just going to have to settle for the undeserved supporting actor trophy you'll probably get.

capote: love it even more. how they picked this dark, brooding, intricately simple yet simultaneously a can of worms biopic over the happy-go-lucky rote walk the line is beyond me, but i'm not complaining. too bad that all those aforementioned reasons are also reasons why it won't go any further than it already miraculously has. plus on the surface, it's also "about" a wealthy spoiled successful white male who didn't really have anything bad happen in his life. woops, save it for best actor. (i will carve out joaquin's eyeball if he wins over my man philly.)

crash: yeah, sad as it may be, marketing actually tends to work with getting your film nominated for an academy award, as long as it's a big-ass film. it doesn't have much chance at winning, but i honestly think it has a better chance than any of the aforementioned. it hits you over the head until you're calling out all the spics and kikes in the theatre, but it's the closest hollywood has ever and will ever get to "dealing" with racism...in its own little equally oppressing way.

blogback mountain: best movie in this 5 and it's going to freaking win. this will officially be the first time i've liked the best picture winner in 14 years (not counting american beauty, which 15-year-old chris loved but 22-year-old chris can no longer watch without spooning own eyeballs out into breakfast cereal and reluctantly eating). all crash had was a decent ensemble cast (don cheadle and thandie newton managed to make up for everyone else's mediocrity/atrociousness), but blogback's got strong acting all around, with the only weak link being jakey boy and the academy thought he was deserving of a nom, so there's nothing stopping it! oh yeah, and it is finally the first step in making everyone realize that will & grace is the amos & andy of our generation. they're beautiful white gay cowboys, but it's a start. AND DON'T FORGET THE FIREWORKS!!!!!!!

so there you have it. if the gays win, the academy gets called racist by all the crash fans/homophobes. if the non-racists win, the academy gets called homophobic by all the blogback fans/racists. it's a clusterfuck waiting to happen and it's going to be my personal favorite academy awards in possibly my entire history of watching these crappy things. sorry movies based on real life, you tried and only mostly succeeded at being relevant (and in capote's case, bended the line between fact-based and fiction-based filmmaking), but maybe this should be a lesson to you...

AND THAT IS WHY WE WRITE FICTION!!!

p.s. don't forget about chris and qualler's top 50 songs of 2005!!!

Chris and Qualler's Top 50 Songs of 2005

Now that all those lists are done on the Blogulator, we at the Blogulator would like to introduce our version of MTV2, except without that cool new dog logo that appeals to us 18-25 year old male demographics. That's right, Chris and I are introducing our personal Top 50 songs of 2005, as doled out in 5-song increments. Please talk to either one of us directly on our AIM names to listen to these songs, and if you don't have those, then figure out some way to get to us anyway.

http://blogulatortop50.blogspot.com

Chris and I may not be Christian Troy from Nip/Tuck (hey Pat, still think we don't talk about TV shows enough? BURN!)...

... but least we're not as crappy looking as this logo:
Regularly-scheduled blogging will continue in the very near future. Rocktown.

The Top 10 Albums of 2005

So here we go -- the list you suckers have all been waiting for. These are the albums that rocked Chris and I the hardest this year -- even harder than Shakey the Shaman does on Minneapolis Public Access television. Through a few definitive games of Rock Paper Scissors, we were able to whittle our personal lists down to this, the First Annual Blogulator Top 10 Albums list.

Man, oh man, lists rock. But not as much as these albums do.

THE BLOGULATOR'S TOP TEN ALBUMS OF 2005

TEN: Animal Collective, Feels [Fat Cat]
The most fucked up pop music ever? Or the most poppy fucked up music ever? Either way, a band who can make this record sound a million times catchier and still stay on the same plane as their previous album Sung Tongs has done something remarkable.
Qualler

NINE: Broken Social Scene, Broken Social Scene [Arts&Crafts]
Controlled chaos never sounded so controlled, nor chaotic. As I listened to this album more and more, I realized that it was the soundtrack to my life in the working world -- always jumbled and trying to keep it all together. Oh yeah, and songs about beaches and surfing are cool, too.
Qualler

EIGHT: Caribou, The Milk of Human Kindness [Domino]
Ultimate Autumn. I've listened to a ridiculous amount of music and much of it has come close to being the best Autumn soundtrack, but this is officially the best album to listen to while you're walking through a world of red-orange. You can literally hear the leaves falling under the layers of decaying atmospherics and pounding timber-tinged percussion.
Chris

SEVEN: Sufjan Stevens, Illinios [Asthmatic Kitty]
I've never wanted to be so patriotic in a quirky way in my life. But don't pigeonhole this album into the "quirky American folk" category -- upon further listens, it's obvious Stevens is dead serious about it.
Qualler


SIX: Sigur Ros, Takk... [Geffen]
Have you been to outer space? I have. Sigur Ros are aliens infecting our common world with sounds so beautiful they couldn't be made by humans.
Chris



FIVE: The Most Serene Republic, Underwater Cinematographer [Arts&Crafts]
Death Cab used to channel the adolescent in all of us. Broken Social Scene channels the leader in all of us. Architecture in Helsinki channels the child in all of us. The Most Serene Republic are lost between childhood and adulthood and finding and exuding strength every step of the way.
Chris

FOUR: Wolf Parade, Apologies to Queen Mary [Sub Pop]
Man, Isaac Brock is a douche. And this is just another damn Canadian band, making boring indie rock for the indie rock masses, right? Wrong. This album is wrought with tension, something few albums that are equivalent truly have.
Qualler


THREE: Saxon Shore, The Exquisite Death of Saxon Shore [Burnt Toast Vinyl]
Words are for the weak. Make your life cinematic with intensity, atmosphere, and silence. It's like one of those Choose Your Own Adventure books.
Chris



TWO: Wilderness, Wilderness [Jagjaguwar]
"Detached," "angst-ridden," and "bleak" are some words Allmusic guide uses to describe Wilderness. "Cathartic," "literate," and "cerebral" are some other words AMG uses to describe Wilderness. To The Blogulator, this album's echoing guitars sound and thumping drums sound a lot like hope.
Qualler

ONE: Why? Elephant Eyelash [Anticon]
Because I've never wanted to belt out phrases like "grapefruit soap" or "hump gentle on a bed of nails" and be serious about it until this record.
Chris

CHRIS' TOP TEN:
1 why? elephant eyelash
2 sigur ros takk...
3 caribou the milk of human kindness
4 saxon shore the exquisite death of saxon shore
5 american analog set set free
6 wilderness wilderness
7 despistado the people of and their verses
8 tristeza a colores
9 wolf parade apologies to the queen mary
10 the most serene republic underwater cinematographer

QUALLER'S TOP TEN:
1 Sufjan Stevens, Illinois
2 Broken Social Scene, Broken Social Scene
3 Why? Elephant Eyelash
4 Wilderness, Wilderness
5 Animal Collective, Feels
6 The Fiery Furnaces, Rehearsing My Choir
7 Saxon Shore, The Exquisite Death of Saxon Shore
8 The Most Serene Republic, Underwater Cinematographer
9 The Decemberists, Picaresque
10 Wolf Parade, Apologies to Queen Mary

The Top 10 Concerts of 2005

Yeah, we know, it's been a while, GET OFF OUR BACKS. Certain people in the Blogulution community (and I don't want to name names, so let's just call him Rave Dyan) seem to think its okay to claim that the Blogulution is dead. Yeah, well, Mr. Dyan, I'm DYAN to see what your reaction is to this awakening of the Blogulator! I bet you have to hit up a RAVE to get it all out of your system.

Speaking of raves, the LCD Soundsystem show at First Ave didn't make The Blogulator's Top 10 Concerts of the year, but these shows (all located in Minneapolis unless *, in which case happened in Chicago) did. Bring it on, 2005.

THE BLOGULATOR'S TOP TEN CONCERTS OF 2005

TEN: Mono with Eluvium, 400 Bar
A guy with a guitar is boring. A guy with a keyboard and hauntingly gorgeous tim burton-esque animation project behind him is genius. Eluvium is the most hypnotic solo act I've ever seen. Mono's band formation is the best ever too: female bassist exalted in the center spotlight, while the male drummer and 2 guitarists loom with their faces toward the ground and sitting in the dark around her and their devastatingly epic music emanates from them.
Chris


NINE: Out Hud, Triple Rock / Intonation*
Who knew a couple chick singers with pretty voices and some cow bell could rock so hard? There's nothing like the sight of 15-20 track-jacketed emo hipsters slowly but surely gettin' their inner-most jiggies wit' it at an indie rock show. Rock.
Qualler

EIGHT: Tristeza, Triple Rock
Spookiest show ever. They must have not started playing until 2 am and there were only about ten of us that lasted the duration of the wait. But once the dark red lighting came on and the first minor arpeggio was plucked, my stoic existence at the Triple Rock became a murder mystery movie.
Chris

SEVEN: Why? with Fog, Cedar Cultural Center
I never knew a rock concert where we were forced to sit down could be so amazing. Yoni was in a good mood and the whole place was relaxed. Apparently the night before, some guy was next to the stage screaming along to every song. Needless to say, that wasn't the case this night.
Qualler


SIX: STNNNG with Haunted House, Hexagon Bar
I'd never heard either of these bands before I went to this dive of a bar. Haunted House came on with one guy who looked like a drugged out long-haired John Cusack circa "Say Anything" and proceeded to blast a loud, shrill boombox full of obnoxious drumbeats and sampled crap and screamed over it while the "drummer" tackled him and they beat the crap out of each other. Disappointingly, STNNNG did not get into any intra-band fights.
Qualler

FIVE: Black Mountain, 7th Street Entry
Why get stoned when you can just go see Black Mountain play? On tour with Coldplay at the time, they decided to take a night off and let Chris Martin and Co. play the arena while they played to a bar of 30 overly-appreciative fans. I swear I made my own eyes dilate.
Chris

FOUR: Saxon Shore, Triple Rock
Holy crap, four guys with what, guitars? Doesn't matter -- WALL OF SOUND. These guys somehow managed to navigate their entire show, complete with wicked guitar effects and electronic flourishes with four guys and some pedals. Post rock at its finest.
Qualler

THREE: Caribou with Junior Boys, 400 Bar
Apparently you can have vocals and still be instrumental rock. Projections of spazzed-out animation to go along with the TWO drummers, eight-thousand effects pedals, and one angry-as-all-get-out Dan Snaith. His vocals played over the PA so he could put all his attention on the deatil that is the complex instrumentation in a Caribou live performance.
Chris

TWO: Sigur Ros with Amina, State Theater
I fucking cried. Watching the reproduction of these sounds live crosses the threshold of beauty that is capable of absorption by man. It's just too much fucking beauty. During their last song, their elongated shadows were all that was shown to us on a giant screen because they knew that if we saw their faces, our ears would melt.
Chris

ONE: American Analog Set with Chin Up Chin Up, Varsity Theater
Mr. Sloth reviewed this show before -- now it's Qualler's turn! From the setting (flippin' BEDS to sit on!) to the atmosphere (surrounded by BEDS!) to, obviously the music (enjoying the music in BEDS!), this show was one of the most hypnotic and entrancing I've been to. Also, making it cooler, is that AmAnSet was on their last ever tour, making it extra special, besides the beds. Also, Chin up Chin Up rocked the house in about the most rockin' way a guitar-nerd-cum-can't-sing-worth-crap possibly could. Oh, and did I mention Chris and I watched the show on a BED?! Bed.
Qualler

The Top 10 Movies of 2005

qualler and i never liked staying on schedule anyway. sorry for the delay, folks. i've been busy seeing huey lewis star in chicago on broadway and qualler has been busy playing accounting-style family feud for his new employer. literally. but fret not, because after awful theatre and wacky television-esque life experiences, we look back on a different medium...

THE BLOGULATOR'S TOP 10 MOVIES OF 2005

TEN: batman begins

it still sucked a little bit: apparently batman loves three-ways and doing wacky things like jumping into fountains.

but seriously: the scarecrow was the flipping jam.



NINE: sin city

it still sucked a little bit: only SOME things are in color! neato!

but seriously: elijah wood doing freaky jump-arounds and eating people? now that's one fucked-up nightmare.



EIGHT: cache (hidden)

it still sucked a little bit: man the french are high-falluting wadholes!

but seriously: after a brief lecture on naturalist theatre and integrating my knowledge gained in the voyeurism/pornography unit in film study classes, it's like one long steady orgasm.


SEVEN: turtles can fly

it still sucked a little bit: suddenly my heartstrings are made out of...candy!

but seriously: while sam mendes is getting his jollies off trying to be beckett, iran/iraq create the perfect war movie together.



SIX: the baxter

it still sucked a little bit: as brilliant as awkwardness can be, it's still makes you want to punch people in their smirking faces.

but seriously: retro-hollywood discomfort juxtaposed with modern tired rom-com conventions with a pinch of absurdity is the new black.



FIVE: good night and good luck

it still sucked a little bit: george clooney looks like a goon.

but seriously: at least someone finally attempted to make a movie about the deterioration of news reporting in this country; and its non-bombastic analogy is a flawlessly subtle-yet-firm conduit for its message.


FOUR: capote

it still sucked a little bit: biopics are for people who have nothing interesting to say.

but seriously: though incredibly contained, the fiction vs. fact shit going on here can easily be deciphered in a way that defines this movie as the ultimate anti-biopic. GENIUS!



THREE: a history of violence

it still sucked a little bit: nothing says "great cast" like viggo mortenson and maria bello.

but seriously: you NEED barely competent actors if you're going to make the most deliciously pulpy postmodern film of 2005!


TWO: brokeback mountain

it still sucked a little bit: it's sad when you're a reported off-screen diva and constantly living in tobey maguire's shadow.

but seriously: the fireworks scene. i cannot stress this enough.



ONE: broken flowers

it still sucked a little bit: i feel a little dirty for never getting sick of watching bill murray act sad and desolate.

but seriously: and what a beautiful paragraph it is, wipert. a prose poem if you will. life blooms in its lack. remember that.

LIFE BLOOMS IN ITS LACK, BIOTCHES!

The Top 10 Guilty Pleasures of 2005

qualler and i scribbled on cocktail napkins, incited life-threatening arguments and played wicked decisive games of rochambeau to bring you our first list regarding 2005. and now, without further ado, we present to you...

THE BLOGULATOR'S TOP TEN GUILTY PLEASURES OF 2005:


TEN: flightplan

why we feel guilty: because it will be eternally known as "just panic room in the sky" and no one liked panic room either.

why it's actually good and we're just snobs: because jodie is the hottest actress of all time. (qualler MAY not agree with me here, but i'm the one blogging, so EAT IT sucka.)



NINE: coldplay - "fix you"

why we feel guilty: "i hate how much the breakdown part makes me want to cry a little bit." -qualler. (he's serious).

why it's actually good and we're just snobs: hey, it's still better than new u2.



EIGHT: taradise

why we feel guilty: because underneath all that hilarious alcoholism, plastic surgery flab, and grossly hoarse voice is a real person.

why it's actually good and we're just snobs: haha! she's ALWAYS drunk!


SEVEN: jack's mannequin - "the mixed tape"

why we feel guilty: exquisitely cheesy post-post-emo pop from the lead singer of something corporate? of COURSE i'm interested!

why it's actually good and we're just snobs: "it's the most honest form of music." -wipert.



SIX: that xmas coke commercial with the penguins and polar bears.

why we feel guilty: because ice-cold coca-cola is not a logical holiday beverage.

why it's actually good and we're just snobs: ADORABLE! fuck.


FIVE: gorillaz - "feel good, inc."

why we feel guilty: "it's sad that anything associated with a leading member of blur has to be considered a guilty pleasure." -qualler.

why it's actually good and we're just snobs: it's impossible to not dance to this song. that bassline if funkin' cracking.



FOUR: making fun of death cab for cutie

why we feel guilty: because for a long time, they were genuinely our favorite band. and this makes us feel bad, regardless of how awful plans is.

why it's actually good and we're just snobs: because they released plans. FUCK.



THREE: kanye west - "gold digger (feat. jamie foxx)"

why we feel guilty: qualler says it rocks him to hard. i say i hate jamie foxx. we're both right.

why it's actually good and we're just snobs: seriously, it would be awesome to have this as the recessional song at my wedding someday.




TWO: house of wax

why we feel guilty: because i actually considered having this on my top 10 movies of 2005 list.

why it's actually good and we're just snobs: because i actually considered having this on my top 10 movies of 2005 list.



ONE: hilary duff - "beat of my heart"

why we feel guilty: n/a

why it's actually good and we're just snobs: too obvious to type. just go listen already.

lists of memories are all we have.

good morning blogosphere! it's been a while since we last saw each other. but this time, it wasn't because qualler and i were going to hypester show after hypester show. no, it was ye olde holidays. i saw my friends and family in suburban southeastern wisconsin and qualler visited his g/f in the much less glamorous paris, france. (sorry qualler, but does PARIS have on demand cable?)


now that we're back in the bustling twin cities in the first waking moments of 2006, we have an entire YEAR of pop culture to reflect on. what better way to do so than with arbitrary list-making?

i've already gotten ahead of the ball with my fellow blogultioneer josef on our radio show now like photographs, so if you need amazing music to fall asleep to, check our TOP 24 INSTRUMENTAL RECORDS OF 2005 list.

qualler and i still have a lot of work to do though. check out the potential itinerary below and check back frequently for both collaborative and personal lists by your favorite pop culturologists, chris and qualler!

WEDNESDAY JAN. 4: TOP 10 GUILTY PLEASURES OF 2005

FRIDAY JAN. 6: TOP 10 MOVIES OF 2005

SUNDAY JAN. 8: TOP 10 CONCERTS OF 2005

TUESDAY JAN. 10: TOP 10 ALBUMS OF 2005

THURSDAY JAN. 12-31: TOP 50 SONGS OF 2005

it's a month-long party and you're all invited...even THIS guy!